Greed the one deadly sin that is more prevalent than any other sin. I have to say over the last 20 years. It has gone from bad to worse. I mean bankers are on the take, oil companies are on the take, politicians are on the take. I mean it must be a shocking state of affairs before your grandparent's are saying it;s a lot tougher world that it was then when they were younger. I mean we even have people protesting outside the main churches in Scotland and England at the rise that the fat cats are getting. The rich get richer and the poor they get poorer, it's a shocking state of affairs. There are no jobs, for the young, university graduates are stuffed, spiraling debt in the Euro zone, Greece and Ireland is on it's knees. Through the greed that has been exerted by our politicians and bankers have made huge profits. I do worry for the next 10 years. I mean if we go into double dip recession, then were doomed. Ach well there is nothing we can do about it, apart from grin and bear it.

I did gig 5 gigs last week, including 2 hosting slots. I had some varied results. however I had a good time at the gigs. I mean I rocked Snafu and the Cellar 35, which was ace. However I was tired by the 3rd gig. But hosted it well. Then on 4th gig my energy had died and I ballsed the charchter comedy, which was a shame. However what does not kill makes you stronger. I went back to the drawing board and I am writing far stronger material. Is the punch line gag, what i am wanting to pursue, probably not. However it's good to have some bankers for that 5-7minute spots and competitions. The 5th gig was at the Ivory and unfortunately I was feeling like crap, so should of done better, I think there was fatigue as well, However gave a good account of myself, as did the other lads from Aberdeen, with the compere saying that's the strongest line they have had from the North East..

Oh well better go, as have more writing to do, try and have a happy day and see you all for more talk about the double dip recession. joking just pissed off with how the world is going x

Books

The Blogg, Well hello my chums. What have I been up to, well just started my 1/4 gigs this week. I was hosting for Breackneck Comedy at Snafu, throuhgly enjoyed it. The headliner was Joe Heenen, he was excellent from the moment he went on to the minute he came off. What else has been happening, i'm studying Shakespear, I know i'm suprised to. I seem to understand it, which is more the worrying. However it bloody tough to compremhend, just like i'm still trying to comprenhend how that ballbag Joe Pasquale still manages to get a auidence. The shakespearen  play that i'm studying is called King Lear, it's not to bad when you get to the crux of it, it's quite good, I would not recommend to read it , unless you have real time on your hands or you have done some kind of lecture on it, or your a boy or girl genuis, as to be honest I have had to read the first chapter 3 times, It wont be to everyones taste, as it is tricky. It reminds me of every time I pick up Lord of the Rings the book, I get one chapter in and think fuck this pish, I just cannot read that book, supposdley it's the best book in the world, but I cannot get into it at all, Well better do my gym work, till next time long live the laughs x

piers morgan

Well woke up this morning to see a smug photo of Piers Morgan, on my facebook, Yip Cunto, Cunty Cuntworth, Cuntslap face. It doe's not matter in what language or turn of phrase, you always arrive back at cunt. What I can't belive is that he still lives and breathes, after putting photos to print off our troops causing brutality to prisoners. That's right he published them, knowing that they were off a false nature. So at one point he's the most hated man in the UK, then around 2 years later. He becomes a judge on Britain Got Talent, or as I would like to call it Britian got Retards. He manages to become Mr Suave again, then soon after that. He doe's interviews for ITV, with celebrieties lives, from Beckham to Barrymore. Now he is off to America, to annoy Jesse Ventura and co. You know what I hope he is enjoying his little paradise, as he will soon meet his maker and there only one place he is going and it's full of brimstone and fire and he can bring all the other bastards with him, like Colonel Gadaffi Duck and Simon Cowell and Tulisla, and Dappy and Alex Salmond. People that make money by manipulating and screwing with other peoples lives for there own gain. I'm sure the devil will be rubbing his hands, when that cunt Piers arrives, as let's face it even god cant save you now Piers Morgan = Total Cunt

Thursday 21st of October KIng Lear and Go Compere

Yesh kebab, with garlic sauce mate, hello again, just thought I would start the blog with something that's more meaty. So what has been happening since I last wrote on my blog, well I went to higher English, were doing King Lear, it's all incest, and murder and lies and deception. Sounds like a night out in Glasgow. However King Lear is pretty good, to be honest. Yes I'm not a lord or a scholar, me in fact I was a bit of a rouge, However I have always yearned for freedom of art expression, it burns like a fire. For example if I had a cup of tea and a biscuit , I would always swerve the custard cream for the viscount. Well joking aside, I have always had the arts in me, as believe it or not always wanted to go and see a Shakespeare play acted out live. Not sure if I would get bored or not, but never know till you try. I have a couple of gigs on the horizon, well 4 to be precise, 2 compere ones, but know what I'm doing now and not let the nerves get to me and be nice, as a compere you are the audiences friend, first and foremost. Babysitting tomorrow my two gruesome twosome , nephews, wonder what they will get up to, mischief no doubt and lots of it,,,,,,,, but hey ho these things you have to do for your loved ones,,,,, well better go, thanks for taking the time to read my blog big kiss x

Thrusday 20th of October x

Another day another blogg, Did a music gig tonight, yes it was tough, they sort of listen but they don't care at the same time. So never done material tonight done some improv. Just went up with american accent and spoke pish, but it's another gig and more stage time. Oh on Tuesday did a gig as Agnes Campbell so she is starting to take off, so writing for 2 charchters which is fun, I basically dress up as a old woman and become Agnes Cambpell , whats great is you get away with murder, as people are scared to be offensive, as they see it as there grandma and it's great fun, best laughs come from improv but your definitely need some good written material behind it. I need to keep wiritng for her though, so trying to create a back story, not like a x- factor story, like my mum has been diagnosed with aids. Funny news story of the day has to come from Scottish news,  A man ran a marathon and came in 3rd, but it has been changed as the winner of the marathon, has had his title revoked as he caught a bus and was found out. Just as welll it was not a Sunday bus, as he would of come in last, in fact he would still be on the bus now, getting peeved off with the driver as he looks for traffic jam after traffic jam, anyway better go as im pooped x

Engery Companies, ?

Excuse me, how much is the energy rising, fucking rip off britian. The govement sit on there ass and continue to do nothing, as they will all be getting a back hander. They probably all have shares in these electric and gas companies. However the message is we should just shop around. How do you do that, were all contracted and say you pick the wrong one. I'm with SSE, Scottish Hydro Electric, there just as bad as N-Power, it's all a great con, maybe Robert Langdon will reprise his roll and find all about it in demons forever, the story of how we all got ripped off for the last 50 years from the electric and gas companies. I mean i'm pretty sure that Tomas Eddison created electricty his plan was to give electirc to the masses, not to charge a arm and a leg for the resource of light. I don't kow who invented gas, i'm thinking a german. Anyway we have to suffer as the fat cats make more money, well I hope these fat cats choke on there milk, be great if they got up to heaven and God, charged them for letting them through the gates and for anything they touched, It would be great if the almighty set up a paymnet plan for them, for monthly payments and sent through a estimated bill for what they were owe him for there time in divinty, and if they could not keep up the payments, straight to hell,,,,, what would a fat cat hell be like, back on earth, late payments, goverment intervention and each week a profit graph that shows a decreasing downward slope ,,, ye wanks

13th of Ocotober ,,,,,,,,,,,, Charchter Comedy and Braveheart x

Another day , another blogg, Like Oily Muirs my heart skipped a beat tonight, as thought my payment never went through. That would of been a absoulte nightmare. I have a gig tomorrow and I am trying out charchter comedy for the second time. First time was a ned charchter and thought it was terrible, I think it was a good idea, however the material was not there at all, tomorrow I will be going as a BLANK, sorry folks don't want to ruin the suprise. What i'm going to do is myself and the material I had written for the Stand then the other cahrchter. I went to Asda tonight and the night team were on, I reckon the guys were called George or Frank and the women were called Mavis or Pam, not sure why the names spring to mind, but thats who they look like, probaly more chance of getting the job if you were a Mavis or a Frank. Nightime in Asda is weird just random stoners walking about with a 10 pack of Smiths squares, and a frijj, choclate obvsiouly drolling at the prospect of mixing the two together for a taste exploision. Also there are married couples, cant think why that would be exciting, fancy foreplay the night love , nah were going to Asda, see thats why i'm not married. Watched Bravehaeart last night , very good if your Scottish, I know Mel Gibson does not sound very scottish and that there are more inaccuarcies in this fiilm than can be seen in Gladitor, however push that to the side and you have a film that makes you love your country a little more. Maybe if the dictators of Africa and Libya had one about there country they would stop mudering there own people and starving them etc... and the world can be a more gentle and loving place ,,,,,,,, till the morn night people x

Well , be coming down the road, when you hear of the noise of the tartan armys boys, yadda yadda so and so forth. We tried and failed badly, hmmmm cause we went with no strikers to Czech, that makes as much sense as going into battle without the horses in the 14th centrury. Bloody daft, why would you not play strikers, goals wins games , and you need a striker, that's common sense. Ach well done now were out of the Football, Rugby and every other sport, no wait we have cycling, pointless bloody sport. Watching the cycling is as invigorating as watching the x-factor on red bull and vodka. I had a gig at the Stand Comedy Club and it went well, so got offered some other slots, which is nice as I work very hard at producing comedy. Nothing else much to report, not really checked the news, but presuming it's all doom and gloom, recession this, a 17 year high unemploymnet, (only just heard that just now, as the news just come on). Going to watch something tonight, not sure. I think it might be Braveheart, yes it's inacurrate, and lots of mistakes,,,,,,,,,,,,, but the message is clear, love honour and want more for your country xxx

GIG IN EDINBRUGH

Well hello, yeah last night was crazy had two comedy gigs, One at the Stand and one at the Beehive in Edinbrugh. The Stand was very good the Beehive I was more subdued, and fatigued. I met Daniel Sloss and Joe Heenen, who were both great laughs, The green room was good fun. I cant seem to stop wanting to take a leak, before I go on stage. Not sure if i'm drinking to much water or is just the nerves. What made the gig better this time round was the car journey, what a great laugh in the car with the comedians. I had a nightmare on the way home, I put a hour onto the journey as went to Livingston, see that's the thing with driving in Edinbrugh one worng turn and your in the brown stuff, sort of the same analogy as going down on your woman. Just got up and I am shattered, so not much else to write for now. So this blogg today will be quite short and sweet, like my lollipop lady x

Sunday 9th October, X-Factor

Right Ok, what the fuck is going on with x-factor, what the hells is going on. How can you take people lives and play with them. Tonight was worng in every sense of the word. Not so much about who got through. More the fact of the maniuplation of taking people and putting them through it. I think this will be the worst x-factor to date. I am so glad I decided to sky+, this. I tried to watch 16 singers that to be honest I could not be bothered to watch in the first place. However like most it's my guilty pleasure such as watching 40+ on televesion x, the last part is a joke. Anyway all you can hear is the same bloody comments , your going to be one to watch in the competition, your the best of the night, i'm going to take a chance on him. All they went on about was the bloody personality , looks and image. What about the singing, though. How did Jhonny go through, he can't sing, a bloody note. I'm not sure if I can watch 12 weeks of this, I feel joe public are going to feel the same. Also Tulisa is a total cunt, I mean a total cunt. Even during the judges house, she split up a boyband group and formed her supergroup, but what of the guys she dunted............. On another note I did a x-factor at Fraserbrugh , this gig is mental, however worth doing. There was one guy that did one joke and walked off, however it;s a bar enviornment. It's going to be tough and takes us out of the comfort zone, and into the cast of 300, as every time I go out there, i quote tonight we dine in hell, and its bloody hard but hell tastes so good

Saturday 8th of October

Hello my bloggy chums and gals, not enough happening in the news, so i'm going to go on about my motivation for the gym. I cannot be bothered with it, it's so dull. Don't get me wrong, once im there and get into it, I feel good like James Brown good. It's just getting there, is the problem. I have to give myself a bloody 3 hour window to get there. I watched Man on Fire, no not the youtube clip of John Smeaton punching a burning terriost in the face, but the awful Man on Fire with Denzil Washington and director Tony Scott, who somehow likes to throw the film about like a caught fish, the camera angles swings from angle to angle , that you get to the point of feeling sea sick. What is the story about, you have to wait 30 minutes to see a girl swimming in competitions and wining, then a uncomfortable Denzil Washington getting aqquainted with her a little to much. Why is Christopher Walken there to make up the numbers. I had a bloody migrane by the end of this film so much that if a woman said to me, I cant have sex tonight I have a migrane, I would say yeah right what have you been doing that causes a migrane , and she replied tried to watch 40 mins of Man on Fire, I would say fair point, can I get you some aspirin

off to the brock to do a gig out there, Fraserbrugh, buzzing like a 14 year old child with a tin of lighter fluid. Speak the morn

Peter

OCTOBER 7th

Hello, after a resbite from my blogg, its back as my writing is getting lazy, Mind I do comedy so it's going to be random and a little dark , mix it with mental health and a angry man, that is up and down as much as Kerry Katona diet regime,..   So please take the time to read and understand that this is wrttien in around ten mins, but stick with it and im sure you will bere entertained

What a week it's been 10 years of the UK being figiting in Afgahnastan and so far we have removed one main taliban leader and a lot of lost lives for Mr George Bush, he created the war and then left goverment and we pick up the pieces. The founder of apple has died this week, Steve Jobbs shook me right to the core, speaking of apples do you think Micheal Jackson would still be alive today if he ate more apples, as a apple a day keeps the murdering doctor at bay. Also Wayne Rooneys father has been accused of match fixing, on a hearts and motherwell game, supposdley Steve Jennings got sent off on purpose and there was a lot of bets in the Liverpool area,  a lot of people can't belive that Wayne Ronneys dad is involved in illegal betting, I still cant get into my head why anyone in this world would watch Scottish Football, thats is as painful as watching the Alan Titchmarsh Show on ITV, I still belive this is a secret goverment incentive to get the unemployed back to work, as no one wants to watch this gash

Till the morn x

BATMAN

****** NA NA ANNA ANA ANA  BATMAN, NNANANNANA BATMAN , NANANANANAN, BATMAN. Hello back again, like Arnold Schwarznegger I said Ill be back, when my wife out and I can commit audletry again and again,        Your probbaly thinking why start with the Batman, Well folks, guys and dolls. I watched the original batman with Adam West and ballbag Robin, I forgot his name, holly smokes, how. I forgot how much I used to laugh at this show when I was younger. Watch it when your older. On todays fantastic episode seen the boy sponger, yes he is a sponger, when doe's he pay for anything. Anyway the villian was the Joker, nope, the penguin, nope, OK catwoman, nope, OK who , who , Clock King, WTF < WTF, exactly, he made a guest apperance, he was terrible it was clock gags a plenty, such as time is up batman, ho ho, the mouse struck one, boing, time is of the essence batman, swoosh. Who worte this, even Adam West must of been reading the script saying thank god, this is bloody awful could be worse I could of been the clock king, What Villian will have on tomorrows episode , bike man, that rides around on a bike, saying things like, spoke you batman, and wheel be seeing you soon,. The pinnacle of the show was when batman and robin stopped off for bat burgers and ballbag robin said is that OK to eat some bat burgers, which Adam West the mayor from Family Guy said yes even crimfrighters need nourishment. Then to top it off they waited and handed back there empty trays to the kiosk woman, NANANANNANANAN BATMAN NANNANNANANNAN BATMAN, NNANA oh bugger it, thank god for Christphoer Nolan,

Texan Horrors

Hey my Sweddish chums. Just kidding How is everyone, I have a job, I have a job. So smiling again, bloggs won't just be rants of major depression. They will be fun and humorous OK and ranty. However they might not be daily. I will be shattered after work. I was watching Wrong Turn, the horror film. It's when the cousins mate with each other and then start killing all the tourists, in Texas of course. It's always Texas they base the horrors on, I know that horrors are not real. However I have no ambition to visit Texas in my life, especially not in a white camper van, with two female friends with big tits. There always in a Texan horror film and always one of them gets chopped up. See what annoys me about Wrong Turn, or any Texan horror. They always ask a weirdo directions. Why do they go near these shops, why not wait, till they meet someone that has good fashion . Instead of asking a mother that has a son that was bullied at school for 18 years and happens to carry a chainsaw for good measure. If I met anyone like they meet. I would be like fu*k the holiday. Were going home. See what I love about Wrong Turn that they escape the monsters but at the end he still go's back and knocks fu*k ou of them all, effing class, take that ye wan*s xx

Sinking ship

• The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow I loves ya, (record coming off the needle). Well maybe my bloggs are going to be a lot more lively and happy and fluffy, then again maybe not. I never got that job, nightmare on bloody elm street. So gutted. However they have asked me in for a interview for another post, so fingers crossed. Tonight I'm going to watch Titanic, yes I know Titanic, for all the bad rep it gets, Up until Avatar was the biggest grossing film of all time. However you try to tell people that my heart will go on, kidding. You try to tell people you enjoy the film and they treat you like you just fuck*d your cousins. However you lying toerags yous must of watched at some point. They don't just make up those figures. Yes I will be fast forwarding Celine Dione part, ah the beauty of SKY plus, 

Toothpaste ads grrrrrrrrrr

Hellllllllllllllllllllooooooooo   Yes well, toothpaste adverts, do my nut (head) in. This always have some smug bastar* on there advert. Then you have the cunning terminology that they like to throw in, like fluoride crystals, crstalisazation, etc.... Then they have the smug bast*ard making on how using this toothpaste changed there life. Oh yeah toothpaste changed there life, we have a warrant to search your house as you have been accused of dealing cocaine to minors, in the jail, for 8 year term. Then get out tempted back to the high life or making Lot's of money off of wanker* such as Charlie Sheen. However just on the day you were going to pick up your lorry load of cocaine, you decide that you need a bite to eat, so stop and buy a sandwich. Then out of the blue, a man selling collgate asks you to brush your teeth with some collgate, you have a aphimpny moment and decide not to sell any more drug's and choose a lawful path, then your phone rings, you answer it and it's Charlie Sheen asking where his score of coke has gone, and you tell him, I chose toothpaste and it has changed my life around,       BOLLOCCCKKKKSSSSSSSSSS

Shaving

Sunday 5th of June, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, to shaving. I have to shave every flipping day. Every day, I have to heat up the water, then squirt the foam, then shave my face. My stubble is like rough as a rock. I mind I was told from my Dad, Son if you ever see a dolphin, punch it in the nose, just kidding. He said your no son of mine, just joking. He said son once you start shaving you will have to shave everyday. I waited until I was 20 years of age, but then I was getting pelters (slagging) for my bum fluff, that's what they call it in Scotland. So I shaved it off. Then I had to shave every 2-3 days. Then I met a girl that liked kissing me a lot, she made me shave every day, my face looked like a skeplt (smacked) arse. The friction from the razor, never changes. I started off with one blade, now they have battery powered Gillette razors, or wilkinson 5 blades. They always lead with the slogan the best shave yet. Well why not effing create a razor that is the best shave, I would pay extra money. Instead of scrambling around trying to find a set of  blades that they don't produce anymore. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, till the morn more gripes more groans x

• Saturday 4th June        Well mood has improved a little, I have just been watching BGT, Britain's got talent watching dancing, singing, and some piano work, then David Hall, yes the dancing telecommunications pensioner (WTF). What's his act, well basically he  ad-libs to backing tracks, while dancing to pissy songs, GARBAGE, the times when you wish you had a gun, I came out of depression for this. David Hasslehoff keeps repeating himself,  like he has the onset of dementia. Twice he has said the same comment's from last night, just as well there was not 12 acts using fire. As the Hoff's remark would be "your on fire, and I mean literally on fire". What a tit. It's been a pretty bland weekend. I love being skint, to much things to do, I think it's more fun being skint than it is having money. I mean you can't eat, you can't drink, so much fun, that's a joke. Nothing to do the night, I think I might just go and mug a pensioner, not for the money just for kicks. There is a great saying that states "you only have one life so just enjoy it", thank fuck that's all I can say. Currently listening to my neighbours arguing, however not sure, need a bigger glass for the wall, see you all Super Sunday x

Chery Cole

Friday 3rd of June      So whats the big horray in the news this week, you may ask. It's the Chery Cole being dumped by the x-factor. Shame after her massive bout of life threatening malaria??? and her marriage to her footballer going tits up, what how??? pftttttt. I mean Cheryl Cheryl, sorry but I don't think I will be  the first person to laugh at your dilemma. I don't feel that you were axed cause of your Geordie accent. You went over to America and the yanks, were like who the f*ck is this. You were like I cant sing, I can barley dance, I don't write my own songs. However I know WILL I AM. There like so, then they watched your videos and thought, well there not very good are they. Then they said but she got to number 1 in the UK. Then they thought she must be kind of OK, then they realised that Dizze Rascal got to number 1, along with westlife, four of them were who are Westlife, while one of them said exactly. Now people feel sorry for her, awww didums, the media got her to number 1, not her. As lets face it fight for this love was pretty shit. As for her accent come on now. Try coming from Aberdeen, we can't get our accent understood past Abroath (small Scottish town, full of mutants). So get it up ye, the crown has fairly come off the pretty head of yours, go back to that band, you know the one you were a backing singer for, the one you left for the chance of fame, the one that writes none of there own songs, cant mind, f*ck it, fuc* off Cheryl,

Thrusday 2nd May           Oh well ask for sun and you get sun, morale of the story be careful what you wish for. It's so hot in this bloody house of mine. What comes's with the summer sun, yeah that's right bloody beastie's, (insects). They are everywhere, you have to keep the windows open because of the heat. I swear I left the window open last night, got up and there were just spiders and dandy long legs everywhere. It looked like the setting for a tropical forest. The worst beastie (insect) has to the bloody flies there always flying in the window and landing on stuff. File's flying about everywhere little bastard*. Then you try to swat them they just fly away. I have a trick up my sleeve for these flies though, just take some dog shit into the house and put it down on your floor, then wait till they land and stamp on them ha ha take that you filthy little sod's, however not one invention for Dragons Den or a invention programme, as there is dog shit all over your floor. Or alternatively you can buy a fly swatter and attach it to your wall, probably a better approach. You just look weird picking up dog shit in the park.......  Stay happy fuck*ing do one flies.     watching the superb Game of Thrones, getting bloody good x

RUNNING MAN

Wednesday 1st June.... Well here are we people, June has arrived, get up and look out at that big summer sun, here we go just draw back the curtains and look at the big dirty rain cloud. Oh well next year. I watched a classic last night, Arnold Scwharzcheating in the Running Man, he will be when he gets the bill through for his divorce. I have not see it in years, forgot how mental it was, there is a line in it, when Arnie is captured, this woman says wow a man like that think what he would do to you, rape you and then kill you or rape you then kill you. Now follow me what I'm about to suggest as it's true, Killion remind you of anyone, he's cheesy, total cunt, all about the ratings, doe's not care about anyone but himself, self important and would piss on his own grandmother for ratings, yes KILLION is SIMON COWELL,. The film is cac* but ace, deaths and fighting and even opera. Love Arnie and his quotes. I mind I went mental watching Batman and Robin and Arnie who played Mr Freeze, would say the worst Ice jokes known to man. Then watching the running man, there just as bad, such as Dynamo that full of lights, shouting hey come and get me Christmas tree, light bulb, killer lines Arnie, tit

GYM

• Monday 31st May       Just back from the gym, oh the gym what a nightmare, full of knobs. I hate it when the gym guys that pump far to much weights, just throw the weights on the floor, then they shout ahhhhhhhhhh. It's like there is no need to bounce the weights on the floor, your not entering strongman. I mean you will be back to the gym the morn, wearing your wife beater shirt and no doubt drinking Stella, you knob jockey. Then you have the guys that go on the cross trainer, but go at such a low setting there legs are going that fast, they look like bloody road runner, wonder they don't go meep meep. Next time your in the gym look at them, you will see a Wile E Coyote behind them preparing a acme sling shot.  You want to tell them, here mate you are not working out at all going that fast, try it on a harder setting. However they would get all upset and that would cause a atmosphere and I don't think the gym needs that with Brutus, Spartcus and Bluto  grunting every 10 reps, effing  twwwwwwwwwwwattss, till the morn 

Vietnam x

• Monday the 30th of May Gooooooooood Morrrrrnnnnniing Vietnammmmmmm. What a film, it has everything, emotion, love story, conflict, war, death, asshole*. I have not watched it for years. Still good as I remembered it. Love Robin Williams. I'm about to show my age but I loved Robin Williams since his Mork and Mindy days. There was a big discussion in Scotland about him stealing a Kevin Bridges joke. However I don't think he stole it, one of his writers would of. I don't know if he has done that his whole career, who knows?. Also I don't know what it is about Nam war films, I just have a greater interest. Not sure if it's cause of the jungle or the weather. I can't stand word war 2 films. However Nam films I just sit back relax and could watch them for hours. Maybe it's cause all the blockbuster films are made regarding Nam, Accpolcypse Redux Now, Platoon, and Full Metal Jacket etc. Same can be said for video games, I would rather battle my may through VC territory than Nazi Germany, no idea why i'm so memerised with Vietnam films, mind boggles. I hope VC (vietcon) is a non racist term?  well till the morn x

Formula 1

• Sunday the 29th of May     neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiowwwwwwwwwwwwwww, what's that is it a plane, is it a train nope, yawn it's a Formula 1 car. I ,don't get how people can watch Formula 1 and get excited about a car going round and round a track. There is little or no opportunity for overtaking, that's why when someone doe;s it seen as a groundbreaking move. Let's face it you only watch it for the first corner, then that's it, once the first corner has been and gone, it's pretty dull for 58 laps. I think I would rather go and do some dishes than watch that cac'k and I hate doing dishes. I feel sorry for the parents that that take there kids to the race track for the first time. oh hear we go kids this is Alonso coming round the neeeeeeiiiiiiooooooooooowwwwwww, was that Alosno daddy, not sure, he went by so fast could of been anyone to be honest, wish I never forked out £80.00 a ticket, plus there has not been a single crash. Oh sod it kid's let's get out of here this blows, should of knew that as I was bored with scalectrix after going round the track twice and the car coming off the track 14 times. Oh well could be worse, could be at Thorpe Park, and have some cheeser red coat trying to entertain us.

Donut in the bakery, tonight's the night

• Saturday the 28th of May,     Right, bloody annoyed the day, was in the baker after the gym, there was a queue that you would find at a bloody nightclub on a sat night. This guy is being served and decides to answer his mobile phone, tells the lady to hold on. Bloody cheek, I mean could he not got the call after he paid, you heard everyone one muttering under there breath, what a A-Hole,. I mean I wanted to say here mate, I have things to do like drink beer, sleep with many women, go home and put on some washing, I'll let you decide what one I did today. Well tonight I'm doing comedy at the Blue Lamp, I have written my strongest set since I was came out of the nut house. I'm on the same bill with one of the funniest and charismatic guys I have met, Paul Pirie, awesome. Can't wait. I have practiced for a hour etc.. and ready to go and do it, however I better not blow it like b-rabbit at the start of the rap battle in 8 mile. It's my time to shine, i''m ready to knock it out of the park, commmmmmme on ye bas xx

Freindly bacteria, coc* off

• Friday 27th of May   I write this thinking of all the children that might of perished since 1992, you know the kids we lost to the bacteria. I mean what a crock of shi*, I mean what's next eat 5 a day, wait a minute they have already hit us with that scam. Now they are targeting children with there subliminal message. What will middle class suburbia do, they will have to go out and buy them. Have you seen the price of them, there like £3.00 for 8. I mean without sounding like my granddad I survived on mum's burgers mixed with a tin of ravolli, I mean only if pro biotic yoghurt's were there for me when I was younger I could of been somebody, doctor, a contender. Instead of getting daily reports home from the school, I could of been top of the class. Maybe if my mothers boyfriend had a pro biotic yogurts, he would of not battered me about the house and we could of went fishing instead. Like I said before what a crock of shi*   Till the morn x

Robin Willams

Thursday the 26th of May, Hey super day, NOT, still looking for a bloody job, however there is a plus side. I get to watch all of Scrubs, Two and half men and King of Queens. However I mean how much time do they have to show the same adverts for comedy central. The only thing is that comedy central is on Sky, so in two weeks time, they will show the same bloody episodes. Speaking of Sky, I have set the recorder to tape Good Morning Vietnam, I think it has to be Robin Willams best picture, mind you there was Toys, (don't ask). I'm about to show my age here, however I loved Mork and Mindy and his stand up about golf, is amazing. So jimmy you hit the ball, walk around 4 hours to hit the ball again. Anyway nice and short and sweet today, one love xx

Ashton Kutcher nooooooooooooooooooooo

• Wednesday the 25th of May         Hello my chums, I heard that Ashton Kutcher is taking on the role of Charlie Sheen on two and a half men. Please god no, I missed when Ashton Kutcher was funny, yes I have seen that 70s Show. However I have to say he was not funny in that either. I watched most of his rom-coms to, no I was held at gun point. Why choose him though, I mean there are plenty of people out there that are funny. Plus when people are getting out of it, its better to say I'm on Charlie Sheen, than I'm on Ashton kutcher. I watched many things with the Sheen's in it. Now I might be wrong here, however have you ever noticed that when Martin Sheen and Charlie Sheen are on screen together that, Martin Sheen, just have a constant look of dissaproval. You check it out, and then you will be like yeah I see that, until Thursday in the word's of porkie pig that's a folks, or in the words of a tortilla that's a wrap, xx

Al Pacino and 50 Cent, No way

Tuesday 25th of May    Hello, that's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning. No wait it's Tuesday. I'm watching Carlitos Way. It's OK, no scar face, some people say it's the thinking mans Scarface. There's nothing really happens in it. Apart from the annoying Sean Penn being well annoying. I mean what has happened to Al Pacino's film choices. Doe's he even read the scripts, how bad was Righteous Kill, so bad that the 50 pence, turned up and hammed it up even further. I mean how much did that coc* have to pay to be in that movie. Maybe i'm being a little harsh on bullet proof pest (50 cent). I mean he did make one good album, then nothing. Wow his next album was that bad, that even if he was executed in a drive by, people would still be saying, I knows he dead, but man that album I whack, I ain't buying that shittt. As for Al Pacino, just stop doing shit films and pissing all over your legacy

Wind

Tuesday the 24th of May       Woke up this morning and feel like a freight train had run over my body, the effects of the gym. I feel good, pumped fit, To good, need to keep myself in check. When your diagnosed with BPD, you have to tread carefully on your emotions. If your to high, what ultimately comes is a low, as most bellends that take M-KAT would agree, what comes's up must come down. It's so windy just now, it's blowing a gale, 70mph winds, bloody nightmare on elm street. We drove to do comedy in Edinburgh and there were vans overturned, and Lorry's had been blown over, I thought I had seen superman, it was not though, just a guy holding a large rectangle piece of plastic being blown into a field,  it was no fun, it's so bloody cold just now. So much for the predicted heat wave, I swear weather forecasters, should just tell us the truth, it's going to be a piss poor summer, don't blame us  you do live in effing Scotland x

Chairty , hmmmmmmmmmm

Saturday 21st of May        Hello everyone, yes as you see in the title, today blog is about charity. I had one of them round at my door, would you like to sponsor a child, no they don't do anything anymore, not even a sponsored walk. I mean all the money they have received over the years, what  do they do with our yearly 23 million, I'm sitting eating beans on toast while there wine and dinning on lobster and crystal champagne. Anyway I told the woman no thanks, I already do comedy gigs for half price, so no I won't be donating any money. She looked at me like I just shit on her sponsor form. It's for cancer she said, I said I have already donated goodbye. I closed the door and there were four sponsor people circling downstairs like vultures, they got someone details, then they phoned there company immideaditley to take the 8 pounds twenty, they don't give a shit about the charity. I swear they horde all these kids that did not make it into the Jehovah witness school and arm them with a clipboard and a big cheesy smile, bloody dickheads the lot of them, this week I have been listen to screams, as I have now put a electronic shock on the door, that will keep the bastard* away

Funny man?

Friday the 20th May        Hello, watched Judge Dread last night, you know the film with Sly Stallone and the awful Rob Schrieder. I mean here is a great premise for a movie, future setting, judges that execute people, heaps of criminals running about. However we get treated to a dire cast, a dire script and dire acting. The only thing that is remotely good about that film is the baddie in it. Also how many times doe's Stallone have to say, I knew you were going to say that. Even the heroine in it is mediocre at best. Someone please tell me, when was Rob Schrieder funny, he's as funny as 7 month piles. How doe's he get work, he is as much use in that film, as Sarah Palin was in Jhon Mcain president campaign. Infact pump Rob Schrieder over to Alaska in a bear costume and then ask to go hunting with Sarah Palin,  she shoots him and the world can breathe a sigh of relief, we never have to see him in any other movie....

Bloody pi@h actors

Thursday the 19th May          Bloody armature actors in adverts, let's take insurance churchill for instance, the twat that comes in all silky smooth, picks up a magnet and everything flys off the shelf. Or the woman that comes in and knocks everything over, or the guy that has a one of his special hugs, where do they find these tossers. Why would they do that, audition for a part, yeah that was me in the churchill advert, what the one when that total twat comes in, NEXT. I mean how dumb do they think people are!. What's next for the churchill advert they go back to the 80s and cast someone with shades on. I use to think meercats were quite cute, now they are just effing annoying, simples, as a cock another shot of my hunting gun, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, don't even get me started on the Go compere fat cun*, they have been to outer space, 1920s, and back to egyptian times, not bad when was there insurance for spacecraft, gangsters cars and bloody mummys, over and out

Hello, guess who's back, back again, shadey's back tell your friends, well peter

Thursday the 18th of May.... Sound the trumpet's, raise the alarm, squash the tomatoes. Yes guys and dolls, i'm back, from the Exodus. I was out for a walk on the wild side, with Lou Reed, decided it was not such a perfect day and returned. I am back so that means more ranting and raving about, situations, pigeons, comedy, books, life in general. First of all thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read my bloggs and musings. It's been fun. I know what you are thinking what a lazy bastar*, he just thought he would stop writing. Nope I dropped my laptop and it broke. To be honest it was bound to happen. Then I try to reboot it, nope nothing, then it was working it took it a year to come on, so I bounced it off the floor a few times. take that dell. See you the morn xx

Royal Wedding

• Thursday the 28th April      Well in the Library and someone has not handed in Super girl, funny thing it's a bloke, He looks kind of shady. Maybe the paedophiles are getting more advanced, instead of puppy's and sweets they are renting out DVDs. However really Super girl, lol. Would he not be better with Bratz. My blog gs are limited just now. My laptop broke down and I it's fuck*d, as I try for 2 hours trying to reboot it and it wouldn't. So I threw it off the floor. Then it started working then it didn't so I threw it off the floor again. OK the Royal fuckin* wedding, I have waited 2 days for my sniper rifle to be delivered and now it has finally came, but where are the bullets, god dam you EBay customer 9578, last time I order from a 3 star member. It got me thinking of other assasinations  , like JFK. Could you imagine it nowadays, Lee Harvey Oswald, sets out in plenty of time, only to be held up in traffic and a 6 hour subway delays due to ongoing maintence. If only we would of had one of the charismatic presidents in the world...... The mind ponders x

Piss off Society

Friday the 22nd April. Last night was the first night at Sinatra's Comedy Club. After the intital panic of will there be a audience, I calmed down once people came through the door. It was a full house. All the acts were superb in there own way, the first two struggled a little, however comedy is a hard game. Well in for Ennan taking to the stage and for James Stewart to make the trip from Edinburgh. So I thought I don't go out much, screw it I'm going out. I thought yeah have some cider, vodka, and top it off with a shot of after shock. All was well, then I was dreaming of this vibrating noise. However it was not a dream, it was a bloody lawnmower. Then there was the noise of brick laying going on. Then some crack whore junkie, decided to have a 1 hour conversation about how she paid to much for plums at Spar, fuc* off, no-one cares about your bloody plums, no one cares about how short you got the grass and no-one cares about bricks. My god if I knew society was going to congregate next to my window all morning, I would;t of drank that fuckin* shot of after shock. Mood piss*ed off

You have to read this it's about MARIO KART

• Thursday the 21st April Its a new day, it's a new dawn and i'm feeling good. Thank god as yesterday was a awful day. So your probably thinking to yourself, I wonder what he is going to hump on about now. Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo. I use to play this game to death. I was always toad or koopa troopa, they had the best handling. It was the best game by far for any console. We sit up all night playing it, knocking donkey kong or bowser off the course was the highlight of the game. As low and behold if you were last there were always bumping into you and taking all your effing coins. I mind racing up the classe's 50, 100, 150 cc. Oh the sweet memeories. Can you remember the mushroom cup, when you would whiz round and leave a bannana by the zooms and your mate would hit and fall in the middle, leaving you to take first place. Or how about when you got a feather in the ghost track and you would take the cheat, ha ha. If I was far enough ahead I use to leave a bannana right by the cheat, so my pal would take the cheat think he was clever and fall off the other side, what a knob jockey. Also I use to name the charchters in Mario Kart after teachers, you had Donkey Kong that was Mr Watt, as he was so hairy, then Bowser was Mrs Davies as she looked like a crocdile and there was Mre Ritchie, called Princess , but we use to call her Bitchie Ritchie, CLASS, Red shells to the rescue, good times

GRRRRRRRRRRR

• Wednesday 20th April           Well Wednesday, they call it hump day, as were half way through the week. Still no shout from Lidl's. I have to be super patient. I hate this when the job's don't get in touch. I was suppose to go to the glue factory today. However half past ten in the morning. I never knew it exsisted. I mean what is the point of getting up, it;s just more of the day to suffer. Anyway trying to lighten the mood with double doze of Scrubs and Two and half men. I have laughed through Scrubs a little, but it's not rip roaring laughs. Debt company phoned the day, saying there wanting there money, or they will take me to court, I told them to f*** clean o**, they can sing for that. In fact even if they sang opera in the London Theater, there still not going to get there money. It's less than 500 pounds. They chase me like it's there Captain Babosa after the deads man chest and the black pearl. Till the morn 

Tuesday 19th April       I was at the glue factory, nuthouse, psychiatric hospital for psychiatric treatment. I know what your thinking I was tied down to a machine and a bolt was registered to my forehead. No that did not happen. However when I was in the nut house, to my dis belief that treatment is still carried out to people with severe depression. I thought like you, it was banned since 1970. However it is still registered to patients. Right I watched Spiderman again, the one with the biggest coc* in cinema. step forward Toby Maguire. He is so shi* all the way through the film your rooting for the Green Goblin to annihilate him. You know that the baddie is not going to win, however Toby Maguire is that annoying, looks that pathetic and is that painful to watch, that 99% of your whole body wants to see him get kicked to fuc*. I mean he doe's not look like a super hero and he doe's not sound like a super hero. Fingers crossed, that he is in Scream 4, so I can watch him get caught up. I should of known when he was cast that he would be a total ballbag in this film, as let's face it, when you heard of Cider House Rules, like me you were thinking it was a college party, lots of booze, naked women and drugs. However it's about a fuckin* orphange. Toby Maguire why not go back to the rock you came from, on the way leave the Spiderman costume at the door. In fact the best piece of the film is at the end, when he ends up a virgin, take that you total cu*t. Loving Futurama. Also about to watch Game of Thrones xx

Edinbrugh GIG

1. Monday the 18th April Hi ladies and gentleman. Funny when you hear open spots saying that through there set of comedy, like there performing comedy in the 1920s. Anyway I was at Edinburgh last night doing a gig. I looked at the running order and thought, oh I'm on last. Then I looked around the room and thought god it's full of international people, Belgians, Canadians, Americans. I thought they are not going to understand my references. However just went on had a laugh and had a blast. I am not taking anything for granted I was last on, also Ben Verth was a brilliant compere and really set up the room well. I was really pleased with the gig. Gus Lynburn came up and said super stuff Peter, what a difference in your comedy pal. That meant a lot as I appreciate Gus's comedy. Also some others said it was excellent. I think with the comedy I'm going to show some more of my personality and learn to enjoy  Anyway thanks Edinburgh it was  a pleasure. OK just to say my next post is going to be about Toby Maguire in Spider man, thanks for reading x

Scam

• Sunday the 17th April        Sunday bloody Sunday, what a boring day Sunday is. Especially from 5pm to 7pm. There is nothing on the telly. I feel sorry for the people without Sky, oh and the church goers. I couldn't think of a worse day to sit in a church and listen to some priest going on about a made up alter world and a made up being. You have probably noticed now that I'm a atheist.             I got one of that scam emails through the day. It said that it was from the FBI and they had a gold card with 22,000 dollars, all I had to do was send my name, photo, and bank details and they would do the rest. My reply was this, Alright glad you got in touch, I'm looking forward to that money, my mother wanted to join to, you dicks. Oh how is J Edgar Hoover getting on, please pay homage to him from me. Also I seen a UFO the other night it had bright lights and beamed me aboard there ship, they told me to get 22,000 dollars by tomorrow or they would come back and conquer earth. I told them no one would believe me, so they handed me a ray gun and asked me to show this to Agent's Mulder and Scully (p.s). How dumb do I look you total co**s, I hope you get caught in your scam, thrown into a county jail, with your roommate being a 22 stone, built like a brick shit house of a cell mate, who personnel delight is reaming guys, especially ones that use Internet scams, as back in the 80s he was once taken  for a mug by a Internet scam ,

Baywatch more like Bogoff

• Saturday 16th April  First of all thanks to every one that has taken the time to read my blog. Right what the deuce. The Amercians got us back for landing them with the spice girls, Simon Cowell and Russel Bland. You bastard's. They manage to lump us with the talent that is David Hasslehoff, or the hoff as he like's to be called, more like on the sauce. He is just a total dick, he has not done anything remotely interesting since Knight Rider and let's face it that was pish. I mean it was OK for 80s TV show, but your not telling me your running down to HMV to purchase a box set. He also done Baywatch, yeah unless you bat for the other team, I don't think that you could watch him in it. To be honest Baywatch was total guff, oh what about all the girls in it, yeah OK you could not have a go on the devil's clairnet to Baywatch, I mean there was just as much guys that would bugger up the moment. I use to get bored watching the programme after the titles and played the pied piper out to a Kays catalouge lingere section . Nightmare you had to order another one. You don't want your mum shouting, oh I need to buy another bra, just for her to say wait a minute is page's 330-365 stuck. How would you explain that, hmm the I have been having a go of the one eyed snake, OR, Mum I have decided to become a transsexual. If it was me my mum would probably say I knew that anyway, till the morn peeps xx

SKy, beleive in Better, Aye ok then

• Friday the 10th April Game time I have a very important gig this evening. Hosting in Inverurie, looking forward to it, also apprehensive. However can't show the nerves, have to own the stage. I worked very hard on what I want to say etc...I know it will be a top gig for everyone involved!. The locals are buzzing. I went on a date this morning, it was nice, girl was really cute. I can't say anymore than that. She's no a bunny boiler, or someone scary. When she offered to go for a drive in her car, I did see something at the back of the boot, could not make out if it was a shovel. On other matters I had to phone Sky this morning, what a nightmare, please say your postcode and date of birth, and your bloody sexual orientation (just kidding on that bit). All these questions, then you get through a operator and they ask you the same bloody questions. I have a wee trick for you, my ace in the hole. When they ask date of birth, just say 1803, the virtual operator can't deal with it and Say's hold on I will transfer you to a operator. Ha ha take that Rupert Murdoch you C**K. Anyway better go, see you latters x

• Thursday the 9th April God why do agency's bother calling at all. I mean I'm 32, OK 33. I mean I remember when I was younger and I was looking for work. Then phone up a agency, run upstairs and tell my mum I have a job. Don't worry I can pay you back that loan that I took to go out, also replace the three packets of custard creams that I pinched to dunk in my tea to Thundercat's. My mum would be good about time you were working, and moving out you are 32 years old. So I would get on my best pair of jeans, the one's without the dubs on them. I would get down to the agency, they would tell right that's you registered, we will call you probably tomorrow. Brilliant so glad to be working. Then I would go home and decide what I'm going to spend my money on, new clothes, new bike, box set of Thundercats. Then no phone call, nothing. Then you phone them, sorry nothing yet. Bunch of tossers the lot of them I mean they remind of me of my dad. OK son this sat were going to the football, however I will just get a pint first, then another one oh and one more. Did I make it to football, you joking my dad was that pi shed he could not make it out of the bar. Football the night, for the American readers soccer, for the Cambridge graduates giroball!!!! x

Willy Wonka

• Wednesday 8th of April   Good day, are things beginning to change for me. I have a compere slot at Inverurie, I have a date on Friday and I passed the interview for Lidl's. After the horrific couple of month's that I have had. Ending up in the nut house for depression and getting diagnosed with BPD. However I have fought through it and battled off anti-depressants. I mean the doctor's just throw you tablets nowadays like the Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The last time I was there, you sure you doing alright son, here try the orange sweet, what's next the Oompa Loompa's burst into the surgery and start singing, Oompa Loompa Dooppe Do, He has a pill for your mood, what do you get when you fall apart, and the give the wrong woman another piece of your heart, you end with depression, start self harming, that can be very alarming, Well I'm guessing it would be along those lines. Plus there so catchy song's that the whole surgery would be joining in then the Doctor who has now morphed into Willy Wonka, is Open your hand and take the pilllll I offfer you, you willl see it's okk, it willl make you bettter, now things might be starnger but dont be alarmeed you will be fine however you could beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee adddicted and you willll seee me every weeeeek (mind the solo when he slows down try to sing to that tune. Till the morn you fool hardy fools x

Alls well that ends well

• Tuesday the 11th April,      Hello!!, How are we today, just fine and dandy. Went for a walk today and was going over my material for the big gig on Friday. I am hosting a new night at Inverurie, yes I am a little nervous, however once it's game time I'm good to go. I watched a excellent compere in Scot Agnew at the Stand, so picked up some extra tips. I'm not sure about walking and saying out my material loud, I don't mind so much but when people are walking across the road, like your some kind of nut job that has just came out of the glue factory, it;s maybe not a good idea. Scotland had a sunny day today, I know I'm shocked to, I didn't want to go outside incase the 4 horse's of Apocalypse were there. When Scotland gets sun it's the equivalent of a UFO sighting, people are like piss off, you have lost the plot there was 4 hours of sun, no pr obs you weirdo. It's funny if we do get some sun, there is always a big cloud that comes and overcasts. The cloud might as well as come down ring your doorbell, come in kick you in the balls, go through to your garden, rip your paper in half and take a dump on your lawn, as let's face it that's exactly what it feels like.

Help!

• Monday 11th April Hello, peeps. Went shopping today for a new pair of shoe's. Every shop I went into, the women were like, Hi can I help you, Hi I'm here to help, If you need help give me a shout!. I was waiting for one of them to break into the Beatles, or Banannarama. Why can't they just leave you to shop. We know they are there, that's why it says's sales assistant on there cardigan, blouse. I know your there, I know the protocol, I mean I have been buying shoes for the last 20 years. I use to buy my shoe's online. However that is over rated. You wait in 5 days, to get a bloody ticket shoved through your door, to say sorry we don't have them in that size or colour. Why not bloody tell us that from day 1, I mean how would they like it, if they purchased a Chinese or Indian, waited in 50 minutes to a hour at 11pm last night and was the last delivery, just for the delivery driver to turn round and say, oh sorry we ran out of sweet and sour chicken a hour ago, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Horse's for Course's x

• Sunday the 10th April     The day after the Grand National, for my American readers the big horse race in the UK. How much did I win, nothing. I can't stand it. A bunch of toffs out on there day out, running about the place with a Louis Spence attitude. "Photograph me", "notice me", "why won't you notice me". Oh Tarquin do you like my new trousers for the day, oh Tabitha do you like my new hat, oh yes very attractive, where oh where did you get the feathers, oh I seen this wild peacock running about the estate and got my gamekeeper to shoot it. Your kidding for half a feather. It's barbaric but I love your thinking to the piece. I feel for the horse's lovely, majestic creature's being ridden by Joe Pesci's, with there built in small man syndrome, I feel they treat a horse in a barbaric way.  If the horse falls and has a very bad injury the shoot the horse. I think that's wrong the horse can only do what it can do. If the jockey falls off the horse, we should hand the horse the gun and he can shoot the jockey. 

Interview

• Saturday 9th April Good day. Well had a job interview for a supermarket. Went in all suited and booted. Prepared myself for the mundane questions, why you want the job, what do you think you can bring to the role, why do you think Alice is the most attractive in the store. OK the last one is a lie. After the mundane questions. I was shown around the store by the manager and had to unstack a trolley full of stock. Then I was just waiting for the, when can you start. Then the bombshell. We will need you to come back for a second interivew with the real manager. What the deuce, what do you mean, that is how effe'd up it is, that you need to have a second interivew at a supermarket. So I was a bit deflated and angry so beat up a pensioner, nah just kidding I beat up his dog, I went for a walk cleared the air in my head. I would be lying if I did not say I was gutted. However hey ho and the world keeps a turning. Last episode of the awsome Boardwalk Empire, urge you to watch, killing spree x

MJ Fox, and Librarys

• Friday the 8th April. Hello Amigos, Well just another day I guess. Went to the local library today, that was painful. I thought I would rent out a DVD of my choice. Then I looked at the prices, how effing much, 2 pounds for one night. That is scandalous. Who can afford to rent the DVDs. Also what get's on my goat at the library is the time you get on a computer. I mean 1 stinking hour for a whole day. They wonder why people are still unemployed, cause we don't get enough time to look for bloody work. When I was younger, you could just walk into a company and get a job. Now it's all email me your CV, like there are going to look at it, that might cut into there time of Face book, watching a frog jump through a hoop. I watched Inside the Actor's Studio, with the inspiring Micheal J Fox. I really felt for him. He's a star, one of my boyhood hero's. Back to the future has to be one of the best family films ever made. However in the car i'm pretty sure that Biff is raping his mother, watch it again and judge for yourself. When I was younger watching this, I thought that Biff, what's he like with his over zealous exburence in chatting up women. I watch it now and i'm like why is he raping Marty Mc Fly's mum

How many bullets?

• Wednesday 6th April  Today has been uneventful. Sent emails to make sure that I get my money from the gambling communities. I am getting the money. It took me 24 hours to make 40.00 pounds. I would of been better working 8 hours. What a nightmare that turned out to be. I had to say to them in order to get my money that my mother went mental. They must of been laughing there heads off. I'm 33 years old. I watched the mighty Manchester Utd, show the amateurs another lesson in football, soccer for the Americans. I watched a quality film last night, Beverley Hills Cop, I mind it being a lot funnier when I was younger. I don't get where they get these thugs from, for example Billy Rosewood is being shot at by two men with Uzi's, that could not hit a deer on Prozac, I'm pretty sure they were in the A-team or any any of Arnie or Sly's movies as they hit nothing for the whole 7 minutes they were shooting. They should be out at the gun range, instead of plant range. As that is the only things they hit is bloody outdoor plants. till tomorrow x

What a tit

• Tuesday  the 5th of April    What a day, I was in a good mood. I thought I had the perfect get rich scheme, the cash cow. Yes I'm the smart pants. I have fooled all the gambling companies on the Internet. Have I fuck. I thought I won 50.00 pounds, truth is I never. You have to play a certain number of times. Sometimes I question my brain at times. What a dick I am. Thinking me a humble unemployed idiot had devised a plan to outsmart the gaming communities. I mean what a tit. I have watched Casino. I have seen Godfather Part 2, everyone that gambles get fucked. The famous line from De Niro, "The house always wins". So my fool proof plan was a disaster. What's next Peter, well I was thinking of blowing up Parliament. Do you not think they have caught on with the balls up with Guy Fawkes, yeah but i'm peter wood. Grrrr what  a  TITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 

• Monday 4th April   I have to stop smoking the day. That's what I told myself, no more cigarettes. No more. OK peter you can do it. Then got to 9am a hour later, after looking myself in the mirror and telling myself. I went straight to the shops and bought some. I came back to the house and smoked 4. Sometimes I don't even smoke that many in the day. I started smoking when I first lived with a woman, stress, stress and more stress. I was 20 years old. Who can blame me, all I heard was you have not folded the towels, you left the living room door open, No we can't have sex I'm to tired, aghhhhhhhhhh I was on twenty a day. I use to go to the shops for groceries and come out with a trolley full of cartons of cigarettes. I moved out of her house. What do you guess stopped smoking. It's not the tobacco packet's that should come with the government warning. It's bloody women. I want to stop but to quote the late Bill Hicks, "Every cigerrate when you stop looks like it's been  It's made by god, rolled by jesus and moistened shut with claudia shiffers pussy.

Ivory Glasgow

Sunday the 3rd April. I was performing at the Ivory in Glasgow tonight. I was on the second section. Good slot to have. I was pretty nervous. However put the nerves to one side. Got on stage took the mike and started to adjust. I did well tonight, some round of applause to. Really enjoyed the gig. One thing I would say about Glasgow is that when you are lost, you are fucking lost. Even the Sat Nav was like fuck if I know where to go. One wrong turn and your right in the brown stuff. It's some distance Aberdeen to Glasgow. I'm glad that I done it though. You cannot beat a good gig. Not taking anything for granted though. Writing has a very long way to go, but confidence in my ability is starting to grow. Next up my compere gig at Inverurie x

F*** You I won't do what you tell me!!!

• Saturday the 2nd of April   Oh well was at the shops, paid for my shopping and I said can I get a bag. The woman said that will be 3 pence. I was like oh, sorry I have just paid by card, She said it does not matter, however you will remember the next time, as its for the school, I said next time I will take a bag with me. She looked at me in disgust. I mean sorry Rev Love Joy wife from the simpsons. "Wont someone think of the children". Pain in the ass shop assistants, they think cause they work in there shop they are the law and we will abide by there rules, fuck that. I have never abided to my Father, Police or even a Priest, so why would I listen to her. TWAT, Tonight i'm watching Boardwalk Empire, It can be slow, however more depth than the Soprano's. Don't get me wrong I loved the Soprano's, but hated the children and the wife parts of the show. Even when I watch the boxset, I just fast forward that parts, Anyway till the morn x 

Cider the thinking man's enemy

• Friday the 1st of April  Oh well April's fool day, I fell for them all, Hulk Hogan is dead, Bruce Forsyth is dead. Bloody comedians. I should of knew Bruce Forsyth was not dead, as at the end of the day he will be here for a long time yet, as he is playing his cards right. Anyway I went out to the comedy, the last night of the Mirthless Laugh, tried out some new material and died. So I thought I have not had a cider in a while, bought a pint drank it, pished,  one flipping pint. My head this morning is bursting. I do some really stupid things when I get drunk, like call up ex-girlfriends. Yeah that is a great idea, that's what they want to hear a drunk man with his undying love for them. Charmer not. My brain has a mind of it's own, what's next on the card brain, Let's climb that power cables to get a frisbee, tit. Oh well looking forward to her call later on. Will it be her undying love, nope just her undying wrath, of how it's OK to call, but not when she has work, I need help, I need to move on. Just what you want to hear on cider hangover, that's as cringeworthy as hearing that David Cameron and Nick Clegg have a hot tub and there is room for one more YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, Tune of the day, nothing bloddy SILENCE 

Back to the College

• Thursday 31st March 2011.  Well with another fruitless expedition in the job hunting. I have decided to go back to college, cue the 80s theme tune music, high class shades, up turned collar on the shirt. I can see me now frappé parties, girls, drugs. College in Scotland, nope there will be numerous clique's, goths and neds . Super and here is me the 33 year old. Imagine the chat, WOW, did you see twilight, WTF, I'll end up killing them all. However I have to go back. I could meet the girl of my dreams, face like a wellington on a bonfire, buck teeth, small chested. No that's the girl of my nightmares. Who knows what could be in store for me. Now that I'm 33. I will be one of the oldest, Il'l be the one dishing out the wedgies, this time. *What not to watch, Louie Spence's Show business , not that I'm homophobic it;s his career choice, just that he is a total (cun*t) x

Nevermore

Wednesday 30th March Oh well got up this morning to be awoken by the bloody pigeons that sit on my windowsill, right out of the Edgar Allan Poe.. Poem. I swear it's a different pigeon every morning, like they have a coo, against me. It's like they know I was up late last night. Sometimes I cant be bothered with bumping the window with my fist, so I throw a shoe. Hit's the window every time, I'm starting to get a great aim, would of gave the Iraqi journalist Muntadar al Zaidi a run for his money.(the guy that threw a shoe at George W Bush and missed). Bloody amateur, I get so annoyed with these pigeons, thank god my name is not Disney's Handy Manny, as if I had a hammer I would of threw that. In the words of Edgar Allen Poe, I was sitting in my chamber and there was a rappping a constant tapping  above my chamber door (window), quote the pigeon NEVER MORE, Recommended tune for the day, sweet child of mine by guns and roses 

Tues 29th March, 2011

• Tuesday the 29th March 2011. I am so tired today, I was woken up at 8am by a random phone call, some woman looking for Mrs Ming, I don't know a bloody Mrs Ming, Maybe you should try calling effing Flash Gordon. He knows her husband however I don't think they get along to well. Anyway gets back to sleep and wham woken up again by bloody noisy dustmen. Straight out of the song park life from blur, I wake up in the morning only to be rudely be wakened by the dustmen, PARK LIFE. So I'm now raging and so tired and wanting to have a cigarette more than ever. However stopped smoking, In the words of the beloved Lloyd Bridges, "I picked the wrong week to quit smoking" (Airplane, 1980). 

• Monday the 28th March 2011 I awoke this morning at around 8am. I had no intention of waking up so early. However my phone alarm had other idea's. Not bad on Sunday it had forgotten to inform me of the clocks going forward. So I am running about like a mad man thinking I'm a hour late for a meeting. Bloody phones. However can you just blame the technology. I think I have to warrant some of the blame. I should of turned off the bloody alarm. Anyway so I thought I will get up and apply for some jobs. Nice one's part time post's, cleaner and catering, labouring. So I thought that is the jobs applied for, don't get your knickers in a twist, if they don't reply straight away. Then by 4pm, rejection after rejection. I felt like a ginger kid with bad acne at a school disco, utter rejection. Nightmare oh well I will cook my tea steak pie and chips. I feel that when you see the offer for 1 pound, you think bargain, until you cook it  Another nightmare of a tea. Anyway to top it all off my oven light kept switching off. However there is a tatic that I learnt from my dad, if anything electrical is on the blink, give it a kick. The light usually comes on after a good kicking. Do not apply this theory to a item that has been purchased from 1989 onwards, as you just seem to break it, However the amount of times that we got the TV, or CD player or soda stream to work was amazing. Tonight has been a bit better just watched Inside the Actors Studio with Tom Hanks. Brilliant recommend to watch this show, just watching a classic simpsons episode, the one with the bum that claims to have invented Itchy and Scratch x

Welcome to my first blog

Week 1 

• I was at the doctor's. I  went to the doctor's for a STD kit, just for the 3 month check up. I asked the lady at the reception if she had a kit, I'm not sure, however I will ask everyone in reception. Do we do the STD kits, not sure let's ask Alice, while were here let's ask the night shift cleaners, maybe we should accompany him to his first date and ask her, while were here let's ask if his grandma if she knows. After all that pa lava and the fact that my face turned so red, it was practically purple. I looked like a bloody Ribena Berry, the only part that was missing was the woohhhhooo. The older receptionist came through and said we don't do them here as all we would be doing is the STD test. I mean the bloody cheek, that's right as after clerical in the job description it Say's bloody STD test. I think you will find that you don't bloody do them, the lab does them. So glad I didn't say my name. Hopefully they won't recognise me. Probably said who would have sex with him. He is so ill mannered. No imagine he was your son in law, I would throttle him, Pain in the ass e's. I tell you without sounding sick. They fair treat you like shite, when you are in the Doctors. Bloody soulless the lot of them. It's right across the country. If these women were part of the gestapo, instead of 1,2,3 we would of been saying eins, swei, drie Hitler.

• Tuesday night was the night of the topical material at Snafu. I was thrown on first. However don't really mind to much when you are put on. Before the gig I had beans on toast. Not the meal I would of chosen, just bloody skint. Worse of all was that I forgot that I had no butter, so I had to eat the beans with bland toast. Not recommend it was like eating dry sandpaper. Anyway back to the gig. I practiced my material in the shower, with the broken microphone I have. Not sure if I should use that in the shower. It looks like it's leaking copper. I also stand in front of the kitchen window. Glad no one can see me then I walk down to the gig. I always buy a bar of chocolate before the gig. However my stomach was sore this time round, proabaly due to the lack of food. So I just bought a fudge, I was going to buy two but thought that would be greedy. The compere had enterd the stage and just like clockwork I needed a come on shite. No idea why I always need a shite before a gig. I used to feel like this before I took ecstasy. So the compere announces me on stage. I walk to the stage confident take out the mike. Try to pause and watch my accent etc.. However when it's game time it's hard to remember these little things. I done well the Sheen and Libya material went down well. The promoter says well done. So i'm very happy. I go and wait for the bus and flag down the bus and the guy just drives by me. I am raging, I run all the way to the stop. I say hey why did you not stop he says that the bus doe's not stop there. The whole bus is laughing. Only me that would stand at the wrong bloody bus stop