Royal Wedding

• Thursday the 28th April      Well in the Library and someone has not handed in Super girl, funny thing it's a bloke, He looks kind of shady. Maybe the paedophiles are getting more advanced, instead of puppy's and sweets they are renting out DVDs. However really Super girl, lol. Would he not be better with Bratz. My blog gs are limited just now. My laptop broke down and I it's fuck*d, as I try for 2 hours trying to reboot it and it wouldn't. So I threw it off the floor. Then it started working then it didn't so I threw it off the floor again. OK the Royal fuckin* wedding, I have waited 2 days for my sniper rifle to be delivered and now it has finally came, but where are the bullets, god dam you EBay customer 9578, last time I order from a 3 star member. It got me thinking of other assasinations  , like JFK. Could you imagine it nowadays, Lee Harvey Oswald, sets out in plenty of time, only to be held up in traffic and a 6 hour subway delays due to ongoing maintence. If only we would of had one of the charismatic presidents in the world...... The mind ponders x

Piss off Society

Friday the 22nd April. Last night was the first night at Sinatra's Comedy Club. After the intital panic of will there be a audience, I calmed down once people came through the door. It was a full house. All the acts were superb in there own way, the first two struggled a little, however comedy is a hard game. Well in for Ennan taking to the stage and for James Stewart to make the trip from Edinburgh. So I thought I don't go out much, screw it I'm going out. I thought yeah have some cider, vodka, and top it off with a shot of after shock. All was well, then I was dreaming of this vibrating noise. However it was not a dream, it was a bloody lawnmower. Then there was the noise of brick laying going on. Then some crack whore junkie, decided to have a 1 hour conversation about how she paid to much for plums at Spar, fuc* off, no-one cares about your bloody plums, no one cares about how short you got the grass and no-one cares about bricks. My god if I knew society was going to congregate next to my window all morning, I would;t of drank that fuckin* shot of after shock. Mood piss*ed off

You have to read this it's about MARIO KART

• Thursday the 21st April Its a new day, it's a new dawn and i'm feeling good. Thank god as yesterday was a awful day. So your probably thinking to yourself, I wonder what he is going to hump on about now. Mario Kart on the Super Nintendo. I use to play this game to death. I was always toad or koopa troopa, they had the best handling. It was the best game by far for any console. We sit up all night playing it, knocking donkey kong or bowser off the course was the highlight of the game. As low and behold if you were last there were always bumping into you and taking all your effing coins. I mind racing up the classe's 50, 100, 150 cc. Oh the sweet memeories. Can you remember the mushroom cup, when you would whiz round and leave a bannana by the zooms and your mate would hit and fall in the middle, leaving you to take first place. Or how about when you got a feather in the ghost track and you would take the cheat, ha ha. If I was far enough ahead I use to leave a bannana right by the cheat, so my pal would take the cheat think he was clever and fall off the other side, what a knob jockey. Also I use to name the charchters in Mario Kart after teachers, you had Donkey Kong that was Mr Watt, as he was so hairy, then Bowser was Mrs Davies as she looked like a crocdile and there was Mre Ritchie, called Princess , but we use to call her Bitchie Ritchie, CLASS, Red shells to the rescue, good times

GRRRRRRRRRRR

• Wednesday 20th April           Well Wednesday, they call it hump day, as were half way through the week. Still no shout from Lidl's. I have to be super patient. I hate this when the job's don't get in touch. I was suppose to go to the glue factory today. However half past ten in the morning. I never knew it exsisted. I mean what is the point of getting up, it;s just more of the day to suffer. Anyway trying to lighten the mood with double doze of Scrubs and Two and half men. I have laughed through Scrubs a little, but it's not rip roaring laughs. Debt company phoned the day, saying there wanting there money, or they will take me to court, I told them to f*** clean o**, they can sing for that. In fact even if they sang opera in the London Theater, there still not going to get there money. It's less than 500 pounds. They chase me like it's there Captain Babosa after the deads man chest and the black pearl. Till the morn 

Tuesday 19th April       I was at the glue factory, nuthouse, psychiatric hospital for psychiatric treatment. I know what your thinking I was tied down to a machine and a bolt was registered to my forehead. No that did not happen. However when I was in the nut house, to my dis belief that treatment is still carried out to people with severe depression. I thought like you, it was banned since 1970. However it is still registered to patients. Right I watched Spiderman again, the one with the biggest coc* in cinema. step forward Toby Maguire. He is so shi* all the way through the film your rooting for the Green Goblin to annihilate him. You know that the baddie is not going to win, however Toby Maguire is that annoying, looks that pathetic and is that painful to watch, that 99% of your whole body wants to see him get kicked to fuc*. I mean he doe's not look like a super hero and he doe's not sound like a super hero. Fingers crossed, that he is in Scream 4, so I can watch him get caught up. I should of known when he was cast that he would be a total ballbag in this film, as let's face it, when you heard of Cider House Rules, like me you were thinking it was a college party, lots of booze, naked women and drugs. However it's about a fuckin* orphange. Toby Maguire why not go back to the rock you came from, on the way leave the Spiderman costume at the door. In fact the best piece of the film is at the end, when he ends up a virgin, take that you total cu*t. Loving Futurama. Also about to watch Game of Thrones xx

Edinbrugh GIG

1. Monday the 18th April Hi ladies and gentleman. Funny when you hear open spots saying that through there set of comedy, like there performing comedy in the 1920s. Anyway I was at Edinburgh last night doing a gig. I looked at the running order and thought, oh I'm on last. Then I looked around the room and thought god it's full of international people, Belgians, Canadians, Americans. I thought they are not going to understand my references. However just went on had a laugh and had a blast. I am not taking anything for granted I was last on, also Ben Verth was a brilliant compere and really set up the room well. I was really pleased with the gig. Gus Lynburn came up and said super stuff Peter, what a difference in your comedy pal. That meant a lot as I appreciate Gus's comedy. Also some others said it was excellent. I think with the comedy I'm going to show some more of my personality and learn to enjoy  Anyway thanks Edinburgh it was  a pleasure. OK just to say my next post is going to be about Toby Maguire in Spider man, thanks for reading x

Scam

• Sunday the 17th April        Sunday bloody Sunday, what a boring day Sunday is. Especially from 5pm to 7pm. There is nothing on the telly. I feel sorry for the people without Sky, oh and the church goers. I couldn't think of a worse day to sit in a church and listen to some priest going on about a made up alter world and a made up being. You have probably noticed now that I'm a atheist.             I got one of that scam emails through the day. It said that it was from the FBI and they had a gold card with 22,000 dollars, all I had to do was send my name, photo, and bank details and they would do the rest. My reply was this, Alright glad you got in touch, I'm looking forward to that money, my mother wanted to join to, you dicks. Oh how is J Edgar Hoover getting on, please pay homage to him from me. Also I seen a UFO the other night it had bright lights and beamed me aboard there ship, they told me to get 22,000 dollars by tomorrow or they would come back and conquer earth. I told them no one would believe me, so they handed me a ray gun and asked me to show this to Agent's Mulder and Scully (p.s). How dumb do I look you total co**s, I hope you get caught in your scam, thrown into a county jail, with your roommate being a 22 stone, built like a brick shit house of a cell mate, who personnel delight is reaming guys, especially ones that use Internet scams, as back in the 80s he was once taken  for a mug by a Internet scam ,

Baywatch more like Bogoff

• Saturday 16th April  First of all thanks to every one that has taken the time to read my blog. Right what the deuce. The Amercians got us back for landing them with the spice girls, Simon Cowell and Russel Bland. You bastard's. They manage to lump us with the talent that is David Hasslehoff, or the hoff as he like's to be called, more like on the sauce. He is just a total dick, he has not done anything remotely interesting since Knight Rider and let's face it that was pish. I mean it was OK for 80s TV show, but your not telling me your running down to HMV to purchase a box set. He also done Baywatch, yeah unless you bat for the other team, I don't think that you could watch him in it. To be honest Baywatch was total guff, oh what about all the girls in it, yeah OK you could not have a go on the devil's clairnet to Baywatch, I mean there was just as much guys that would bugger up the moment. I use to get bored watching the programme after the titles and played the pied piper out to a Kays catalouge lingere section . Nightmare you had to order another one. You don't want your mum shouting, oh I need to buy another bra, just for her to say wait a minute is page's 330-365 stuck. How would you explain that, hmm the I have been having a go of the one eyed snake, OR, Mum I have decided to become a transsexual. If it was me my mum would probably say I knew that anyway, till the morn peeps xx

SKy, beleive in Better, Aye ok then

• Friday the 10th April Game time I have a very important gig this evening. Hosting in Inverurie, looking forward to it, also apprehensive. However can't show the nerves, have to own the stage. I worked very hard on what I want to say etc...I know it will be a top gig for everyone involved!. The locals are buzzing. I went on a date this morning, it was nice, girl was really cute. I can't say anymore than that. She's no a bunny boiler, or someone scary. When she offered to go for a drive in her car, I did see something at the back of the boot, could not make out if it was a shovel. On other matters I had to phone Sky this morning, what a nightmare, please say your postcode and date of birth, and your bloody sexual orientation (just kidding on that bit). All these questions, then you get through a operator and they ask you the same bloody questions. I have a wee trick for you, my ace in the hole. When they ask date of birth, just say 1803, the virtual operator can't deal with it and Say's hold on I will transfer you to a operator. Ha ha take that Rupert Murdoch you C**K. Anyway better go, see you latters x

• Thursday the 9th April God why do agency's bother calling at all. I mean I'm 32, OK 33. I mean I remember when I was younger and I was looking for work. Then phone up a agency, run upstairs and tell my mum I have a job. Don't worry I can pay you back that loan that I took to go out, also replace the three packets of custard creams that I pinched to dunk in my tea to Thundercat's. My mum would be good about time you were working, and moving out you are 32 years old. So I would get on my best pair of jeans, the one's without the dubs on them. I would get down to the agency, they would tell right that's you registered, we will call you probably tomorrow. Brilliant so glad to be working. Then I would go home and decide what I'm going to spend my money on, new clothes, new bike, box set of Thundercats. Then no phone call, nothing. Then you phone them, sorry nothing yet. Bunch of tossers the lot of them I mean they remind of me of my dad. OK son this sat were going to the football, however I will just get a pint first, then another one oh and one more. Did I make it to football, you joking my dad was that pi shed he could not make it out of the bar. Football the night, for the American readers soccer, for the Cambridge graduates giroball!!!! x

Willy Wonka

• Wednesday 8th of April   Good day, are things beginning to change for me. I have a compere slot at Inverurie, I have a date on Friday and I passed the interview for Lidl's. After the horrific couple of month's that I have had. Ending up in the nut house for depression and getting diagnosed with BPD. However I have fought through it and battled off anti-depressants. I mean the doctor's just throw you tablets nowadays like the Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The last time I was there, you sure you doing alright son, here try the orange sweet, what's next the Oompa Loompa's burst into the surgery and start singing, Oompa Loompa Dooppe Do, He has a pill for your mood, what do you get when you fall apart, and the give the wrong woman another piece of your heart, you end with depression, start self harming, that can be very alarming, Well I'm guessing it would be along those lines. Plus there so catchy song's that the whole surgery would be joining in then the Doctor who has now morphed into Willy Wonka, is Open your hand and take the pilllll I offfer you, you willl see it's okk, it willl make you bettter, now things might be starnger but dont be alarmeed you will be fine however you could beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee adddicted and you willll seee me every weeeeek (mind the solo when he slows down try to sing to that tune. Till the morn you fool hardy fools x

Alls well that ends well

• Tuesday the 11th April,      Hello!!, How are we today, just fine and dandy. Went for a walk today and was going over my material for the big gig on Friday. I am hosting a new night at Inverurie, yes I am a little nervous, however once it's game time I'm good to go. I watched a excellent compere in Scot Agnew at the Stand, so picked up some extra tips. I'm not sure about walking and saying out my material loud, I don't mind so much but when people are walking across the road, like your some kind of nut job that has just came out of the glue factory, it;s maybe not a good idea. Scotland had a sunny day today, I know I'm shocked to, I didn't want to go outside incase the 4 horse's of Apocalypse were there. When Scotland gets sun it's the equivalent of a UFO sighting, people are like piss off, you have lost the plot there was 4 hours of sun, no pr obs you weirdo. It's funny if we do get some sun, there is always a big cloud that comes and overcasts. The cloud might as well as come down ring your doorbell, come in kick you in the balls, go through to your garden, rip your paper in half and take a dump on your lawn, as let's face it that's exactly what it feels like.

Help!

• Monday 11th April Hello, peeps. Went shopping today for a new pair of shoe's. Every shop I went into, the women were like, Hi can I help you, Hi I'm here to help, If you need help give me a shout!. I was waiting for one of them to break into the Beatles, or Banannarama. Why can't they just leave you to shop. We know they are there, that's why it says's sales assistant on there cardigan, blouse. I know your there, I know the protocol, I mean I have been buying shoes for the last 20 years. I use to buy my shoe's online. However that is over rated. You wait in 5 days, to get a bloody ticket shoved through your door, to say sorry we don't have them in that size or colour. Why not bloody tell us that from day 1, I mean how would they like it, if they purchased a Chinese or Indian, waited in 50 minutes to a hour at 11pm last night and was the last delivery, just for the delivery driver to turn round and say, oh sorry we ran out of sweet and sour chicken a hour ago, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Horse's for Course's x

• Sunday the 10th April     The day after the Grand National, for my American readers the big horse race in the UK. How much did I win, nothing. I can't stand it. A bunch of toffs out on there day out, running about the place with a Louis Spence attitude. "Photograph me", "notice me", "why won't you notice me". Oh Tarquin do you like my new trousers for the day, oh Tabitha do you like my new hat, oh yes very attractive, where oh where did you get the feathers, oh I seen this wild peacock running about the estate and got my gamekeeper to shoot it. Your kidding for half a feather. It's barbaric but I love your thinking to the piece. I feel for the horse's lovely, majestic creature's being ridden by Joe Pesci's, with there built in small man syndrome, I feel they treat a horse in a barbaric way.  If the horse falls and has a very bad injury the shoot the horse. I think that's wrong the horse can only do what it can do. If the jockey falls off the horse, we should hand the horse the gun and he can shoot the jockey. 

Interview

• Saturday 9th April Good day. Well had a job interview for a supermarket. Went in all suited and booted. Prepared myself for the mundane questions, why you want the job, what do you think you can bring to the role, why do you think Alice is the most attractive in the store. OK the last one is a lie. After the mundane questions. I was shown around the store by the manager and had to unstack a trolley full of stock. Then I was just waiting for the, when can you start. Then the bombshell. We will need you to come back for a second interivew with the real manager. What the deuce, what do you mean, that is how effe'd up it is, that you need to have a second interivew at a supermarket. So I was a bit deflated and angry so beat up a pensioner, nah just kidding I beat up his dog, I went for a walk cleared the air in my head. I would be lying if I did not say I was gutted. However hey ho and the world keeps a turning. Last episode of the awsome Boardwalk Empire, urge you to watch, killing spree x

MJ Fox, and Librarys

• Friday the 8th April. Hello Amigos, Well just another day I guess. Went to the local library today, that was painful. I thought I would rent out a DVD of my choice. Then I looked at the prices, how effing much, 2 pounds for one night. That is scandalous. Who can afford to rent the DVDs. Also what get's on my goat at the library is the time you get on a computer. I mean 1 stinking hour for a whole day. They wonder why people are still unemployed, cause we don't get enough time to look for bloody work. When I was younger, you could just walk into a company and get a job. Now it's all email me your CV, like there are going to look at it, that might cut into there time of Face book, watching a frog jump through a hoop. I watched Inside the Actor's Studio, with the inspiring Micheal J Fox. I really felt for him. He's a star, one of my boyhood hero's. Back to the future has to be one of the best family films ever made. However in the car i'm pretty sure that Biff is raping his mother, watch it again and judge for yourself. When I was younger watching this, I thought that Biff, what's he like with his over zealous exburence in chatting up women. I watch it now and i'm like why is he raping Marty Mc Fly's mum

How many bullets?

• Wednesday 6th April  Today has been uneventful. Sent emails to make sure that I get my money from the gambling communities. I am getting the money. It took me 24 hours to make 40.00 pounds. I would of been better working 8 hours. What a nightmare that turned out to be. I had to say to them in order to get my money that my mother went mental. They must of been laughing there heads off. I'm 33 years old. I watched the mighty Manchester Utd, show the amateurs another lesson in football, soccer for the Americans. I watched a quality film last night, Beverley Hills Cop, I mind it being a lot funnier when I was younger. I don't get where they get these thugs from, for example Billy Rosewood is being shot at by two men with Uzi's, that could not hit a deer on Prozac, I'm pretty sure they were in the A-team or any any of Arnie or Sly's movies as they hit nothing for the whole 7 minutes they were shooting. They should be out at the gun range, instead of plant range. As that is the only things they hit is bloody outdoor plants. till tomorrow x

What a tit

• Tuesday  the 5th of April    What a day, I was in a good mood. I thought I had the perfect get rich scheme, the cash cow. Yes I'm the smart pants. I have fooled all the gambling companies on the Internet. Have I fuck. I thought I won 50.00 pounds, truth is I never. You have to play a certain number of times. Sometimes I question my brain at times. What a dick I am. Thinking me a humble unemployed idiot had devised a plan to outsmart the gaming communities. I mean what a tit. I have watched Casino. I have seen Godfather Part 2, everyone that gambles get fucked. The famous line from De Niro, "The house always wins". So my fool proof plan was a disaster. What's next Peter, well I was thinking of blowing up Parliament. Do you not think they have caught on with the balls up with Guy Fawkes, yeah but i'm peter wood. Grrrr what  a  TITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 

• Monday 4th April   I have to stop smoking the day. That's what I told myself, no more cigarettes. No more. OK peter you can do it. Then got to 9am a hour later, after looking myself in the mirror and telling myself. I went straight to the shops and bought some. I came back to the house and smoked 4. Sometimes I don't even smoke that many in the day. I started smoking when I first lived with a woman, stress, stress and more stress. I was 20 years old. Who can blame me, all I heard was you have not folded the towels, you left the living room door open, No we can't have sex I'm to tired, aghhhhhhhhhh I was on twenty a day. I use to go to the shops for groceries and come out with a trolley full of cartons of cigarettes. I moved out of her house. What do you guess stopped smoking. It's not the tobacco packet's that should come with the government warning. It's bloody women. I want to stop but to quote the late Bill Hicks, "Every cigerrate when you stop looks like it's been  It's made by god, rolled by jesus and moistened shut with claudia shiffers pussy.

Ivory Glasgow

Sunday the 3rd April. I was performing at the Ivory in Glasgow tonight. I was on the second section. Good slot to have. I was pretty nervous. However put the nerves to one side. Got on stage took the mike and started to adjust. I did well tonight, some round of applause to. Really enjoyed the gig. One thing I would say about Glasgow is that when you are lost, you are fucking lost. Even the Sat Nav was like fuck if I know where to go. One wrong turn and your right in the brown stuff. It's some distance Aberdeen to Glasgow. I'm glad that I done it though. You cannot beat a good gig. Not taking anything for granted though. Writing has a very long way to go, but confidence in my ability is starting to grow. Next up my compere gig at Inverurie x

F*** You I won't do what you tell me!!!

• Saturday the 2nd of April   Oh well was at the shops, paid for my shopping and I said can I get a bag. The woman said that will be 3 pence. I was like oh, sorry I have just paid by card, She said it does not matter, however you will remember the next time, as its for the school, I said next time I will take a bag with me. She looked at me in disgust. I mean sorry Rev Love Joy wife from the simpsons. "Wont someone think of the children". Pain in the ass shop assistants, they think cause they work in there shop they are the law and we will abide by there rules, fuck that. I have never abided to my Father, Police or even a Priest, so why would I listen to her. TWAT, Tonight i'm watching Boardwalk Empire, It can be slow, however more depth than the Soprano's. Don't get me wrong I loved the Soprano's, but hated the children and the wife parts of the show. Even when I watch the boxset, I just fast forward that parts, Anyway till the morn x 

Cider the thinking man's enemy

• Friday the 1st of April  Oh well April's fool day, I fell for them all, Hulk Hogan is dead, Bruce Forsyth is dead. Bloody comedians. I should of knew Bruce Forsyth was not dead, as at the end of the day he will be here for a long time yet, as he is playing his cards right. Anyway I went out to the comedy, the last night of the Mirthless Laugh, tried out some new material and died. So I thought I have not had a cider in a while, bought a pint drank it, pished,  one flipping pint. My head this morning is bursting. I do some really stupid things when I get drunk, like call up ex-girlfriends. Yeah that is a great idea, that's what they want to hear a drunk man with his undying love for them. Charmer not. My brain has a mind of it's own, what's next on the card brain, Let's climb that power cables to get a frisbee, tit. Oh well looking forward to her call later on. Will it be her undying love, nope just her undying wrath, of how it's OK to call, but not when she has work, I need help, I need to move on. Just what you want to hear on cider hangover, that's as cringeworthy as hearing that David Cameron and Nick Clegg have a hot tub and there is room for one more YUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, Tune of the day, nothing bloddy SILENCE