Tuesday 31 January 2012

Potholes and Burns Unit

Driving in Edinburgh is murder, especially when trying to leave the bloody place. It's like the perfect storm, you go down one road and then another and just when you think your getting out of the place, just like the 50m wave in the film. There is a road work sign, saying Due to unforeseen circumstances, there are roadworks for the next god however. Here's another thing in my native Aberdeen there are potholes everywhere, now before all the student stoners run out and start searching for holes of hashish, no I mean holes in the road. So big that if you look down them you can see spurlocking going on. When is Aberdeen City Council going to take there finger out of there arse and wipe it clean it and sort these roads. This is murder for any car drivers, although it is amusing when you see a smug cyclist falling down one, reminiscent  from a scenes from a Charlie Chaplin film. I was at the Beach Ballroom on Saturday waiting on ass hole's for a Charity night. And they were having a Burns Supper, yes I know ladda da. Then the addressed the haggis, this took 2 poems and a song and then a 10 minute spiel. I was beginning to think that the the Royal Mail was part of the addressing and the haggis was  lost in the post. Have a good night everyone xx

Saturday 28 January 2012

Saturday 28th of January

The Royal Bank of Scotland, Sir Philph Hamilton rejects his 1million pound bonus. My god the Llyods Tsb banking chief, Antonito did as well. That's because there are on 1.6 million a year. Who decides to pay them this bonus. That's right politicains not the bank, the goverment. However were they not the ones that were doing all the complaining about handing the bonus back!. Pot kettle, kettle black.  Supposedly thousands of people sent a letter in protest. If I was one of them. Mines would of said. Dear Sir Philph. I am wrting to say please give up your bonus. As this is your 4th letter. Please understand that there is a bank charge of 40.50p. on every letter I send.Just like the that bleeding bank doe's. In other news Demi Moore has been taking drugs, I knew the wheels were coming off of her. I would be overdosing if I done that car wreck that was Charlies Angles Full Throtle. Lastly the spice girls, well old spice, are to renuite for a reuioion for the Queen's diamond , pearl, chirty ball. Just another excuse for her Maj and TV, to ram the royals down our throats this June. There is reports that the Spice Cun*'s will not be lip syncing. God I feel bad for the corgis. xx 

Friday 27 January 2012

TALK TALK

Cause we are rainbows, life is beautiful. Is it f***. What a lot of shite that Talk Talk company  spiel, wafts total BS. I went with Talk Talk for a effing day. Then decided that there service is crap. So phones them up, got to listen to One Direction, then JLS, then some Bros. So efffing raging beyond belief. Should we not have a number to opt out of listing to anything, Bring back Green Sleeves instead of listing to that pish!. So anyway gets on the phone. Then its all the details crap, to not one but three people. Then tells them I would like to cancel the Talk Talk services. "You know you will incur a 230.00 charge". "No I wont, I still have a 14 day cooling off period. Oh can we reduce your monthly payments. "God just let me leave, like a (16 year old girl that is leaving her mothers house for the first time, let go of my leg I want to go).  I just want to get away from Talk Talk. So that's me almost away from them 7 letters stating my terms and conditions and then a letter to say you are due us 43.00 pounds. I phoned them and said I'm not paying it, I will be sending a letter of complaint and I want to speak to a supervisor. Good Luck with that bloody supervisors are never there, are they!. Coming to think of it any company you phone you ask to speak to the supervisor, there never there. There always on a break, wow they must eat a lot of Kit Kats!!.  I cant wait until I am completely away from Talk Talk, then and only then will I be a rainbow, life is beautiful x  For everyone that reads this blog, you will be donating your time and effort into avoiding this cowboy company.  I heard there offices are a ranch and that they all wear,  spurs and they all go to work in a wagon instead of a bus, efffffinnnnngggggg ballbagggss 

Thursday 26 January 2012

POlice there amazing !

Fucki**, Polis, police, filth , pigs. Pulled over this morning, why you tell me, The long arm of the law, fuc* all to do. So decide to pull me over and do every check, until basically it was a stale mate. Sitting hiding in a corner of a road. Oh the wee sneaky barstewards.  Why were they not wearing wigs, moustaches and camouflage. Have they got nothing better to do than pull over people, for being on phones, tinted windows, stealing kegs. That's the second time I have been pulled over first time when I was hosting Snafu for Naz Hussian at Breackneck Comedy in Aberdeen, I was buzzing after the gig and there was this ball bag of a cyclist, wearing a fluorescent top. I would run him over If I would not get charged. I bet he was one of those got to respect the environment chug over a ssave the seal campaign.  Anyway I sped up and the fuckwi* of a policeman pulled me over, then he had not car so had to drive around in a Renault, he said that he had forgotten his kit, so I had to breathe into his hand, and the drug test was as basic as "have you taken any drugs". No officer. OK then just as well I trust you . I know there is cutbacks, but jeso, whats next paper mache batons, paper hats and paper donuts. knob*. He let me off, but still PC checked me to the maximum. Bloody polis, wank* 

Wednesday 25 January 2012

The Estate

In the news today.  The Irish have there own version of the scheme, called the estate. So does that mean that the english will have the block, the welsh will have the bog. The television has just noticed that on every outskirt of a town is a skid mark of a city.  (input your own city, )I wonder what the Irish will be about, right you Catholic you cant walk down this road, during our orange march. Instead of Dana and Marvin, it would be Daffy and Maguire. Did you know that Maguire means son of the beige one, no me either. I didn't even know beige existed until 2008, when I was in DFS, looking around at sofa's. Other news, Demi Moore is suffering from exhaustion, I know what she is talking about my box of tissues were exhausted sitting through Disclosure. I had a cold. Anyway, she is maybe exhausted for putting up with one of the UN funniest men that will ever walk into her life, yes that's right Ashton Kutcher, unless she starts dating James Belushi. Lastly , pensioner aged 77, is dealing heroin. SHOCK, actually he was Jehovah witness DOUBLE SHOCK. I mean could you imagine that. Knock Knock, Hi I wondered if I could talk to you about our lord, he came from us to from the almighty, Some people see his mother as Mary of Bethlehem, she was a heroin, speaking of heroin you wanting to buy a £10.00 bag. till the morn x 

Tuesday 24 January 2012

Cun* of a mood

What a night last night. First I go to the Stand with high hopes, Looking forward to knocking it out the park. Nope worst I have ever done. I got some laughs, but a lot of it didn't hit. It was poor from my standards. So I have decided to take my comedy into a different direction. Rather than noticeable punch, pish,m stoppy starty crapy obvious gags. More observation, with subtle gags. I would say that Agnes was a lot better. Maybe I tried to much. SO left the stand and like to take in a wee cheeky bag of Chinese chips for the journey home. Just the pick me up I needed them  after the Stand. However low and behold , life manage's to piss all over them. I went to a chinesse bought chips, went to a chipper and bought something and asked for some salt. The woman said "do you not think that's a bloody cheek". In fact it's a insult". I was like eh, I don't understand, mind you if you stop being a cow, maybe just put that word on my chips and I will be on my way  i.e inSALT. Why not just be cool, I mean Jesus. Then she continued her rant, Jesus, jut take it with a pinch of salt, and put some over my chips. We left the chipper and started the car journey home. It was a long journey, especially when the exhaust went all Pete tong. I think there is a hole in it, However I'm no mechanic and judging by last night I'm no comedian,  However I am a old woman judging by Agnes. Oh that's another thing that's my name Agnes Campbell. I have taken a hit over this week in comedy terms, The punch line gags don't suit  me I have more to offer. So expect a complete overhaul in material from now on. Thanks peter 

Monday 23 January 2012

Dogs can mind read

Monday , here I go again on my own. Nice re-charged, feeling good. Got a gig at the Stand 10 minutes on my own, then 5 minutes as an old lady. Going down with Jamie,  Will be good. Had a gig on Saturday for the RGU, (student ville). I should of done a lot better, however thought I would write a 15 minute set on students. Next time I will do my material and work it in. Don't get me wrong there were some good laughs, but other parts there were not. However got some cracking material that I am going to keep from Face book, that I can work into a compere set. In the news today benefit caps, and murder and death, so I'm going to report on the news that made me chuckle. Dogs can mind read, yeah that;s right. So when your clapping the dog when your blue, down , depressed that day. The dog knows, your not at your best and comes's over to you. Could you imagine someone that is suffering from depression, the dog would be over saying to himself, god here we go again, Mr I have had a hard time, better go over there and get a couple of pats on the head, It' not like I have anything better to do, maybe I was wanting to lick my balls today, look out the window. I mean my owner is really getting on my nerves. He was dumped a year ago. I mean man up. Oh no he;s crying. He really knows how to kill all the fun in the room. Now he's off to bed. Owner to dog, "sorry pal, I cant take you for a walk today, I'm to depressed". Great mate, no walkies for me, cause he depressed. Why could of my owner not been a junkie, I mean I would not be fed as much, but least I would get out more, down to the chemist every day,  in car journey's well taxis. Got to be better than this life.  

Friday 20 January 2012

Always happy to help, what a load of twaddle. I was in Asda and went to the counter and asked two girls if they had a measuring tape. When they prised themselves from there idle chat, of who had what for dinner. Put in your own expletives. They handed me a tape with a attitude. "I said how does it work", she said "just put round your neck". I said "oh OK", then she said "your shirt size is 17 in the neck". I was like "it's not I'm pretty sure it's 15 and a half". I was just wanting to make sure. Then she said "no it's a 15". I was like "that's to tight". "I wont be able to breathe let alone wait on tables". Why have donut's and total pies in the George section, surely these would be found in bakery!. Some people would of reported them for shoddy service. I just took a deep breath and shouted cunt* at the top of my lungs. Nah just kidding. I had to bite my tongue, as before I would of reported them. Then I thought nah, they are suffering enough they are working in Asda George, full time. In the words of Jessie J, who's laughing now. Took my motor to kwik fit, guy came out with his tutting sound and said "cost you a good whack to get the car done", "I can see big chunks out of the wheels", I was like "yeah big chunks",. He replied, "Well for starters we will need to replace both the front tyres". Oh yeah I said, "how much will that cost", he said "around 98 pounds, plus repair, and then there is man power". He was using his calculator at the time. I said "give me the calculator and I will give me my estimation", He was like "what you gonna estimate". I said "well say tyres 56 pounds, man power I think your doing yourselves out there, so say 56 pounds each, new muffler?, say 56 pounds, and lets get a spray of Green at 2,000". He said "very funny". I said "no I have 3,000 pounds in the bank. Ill go and get it", He says "fair enough my Friend". I said nah just joking. To be honest I was just needing the parking space as I went in the shop across the road, fuck getting clamped ha ha  Cheers though. ha ha Garage 0 Peter 1 

Thursday 19 January 2012

Paid off, *****

News of the world, pay out 7 celebrities, in phone hacking scandal. They will all need the money. Plus at least the victims of this atrocity have benefited. I mean  Ulirka Jhonson she is skint. Although i'm pretty sure she worked for that paper. She was a bloody pain, my kids this, and I got chatted up today, and how great am I, COCK off you annoying twat!. I remeber they hacked her phone  when she was pumping Sven Goran Erikison.  OK OK   Who else, please tell me not that bell end Ashley Cole. Afraid so, yes dickhea* of the century, who is over 100K a week. They paid him off. Tell me no-more ball bags have been paid out. Least there has been no fat bastar* paid out, like a politician. Afraid so. the man that had been paid that much while supposedly running the country could run two jags. They have all settled out of court. Wait a minute they have all settled out of court. That's right. The pain and agony of having there privacy invaded and teaching the press a lesson. They all got paid off from News International. what a bunch of fu*ck nuggets. In other news Simon Cowell uses fruit to stay young, hmm wonder why he looked young for his age. Mind you I think I would rather grow old than have a sultana/sinata climbing up my arse. Lastly shamless sex scene on politics show, nude woman in background having a bit of rumpy pumpy, there was a RISE in viewers for that show. 5 top shows coming to a TV near you, 1, Have I got nudes for you , 2, Alan TITmarsh Show, 3, Breastenders, 4, Nude girl, 5, anything on channel 5, after 9pm. OVer and out mofos x  x 

Monday 16 January 2012

Fishy hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Well, well, well. What a eventful time in Aberdeen, the Union Terrace Gardens is getting a bit of work done to it. 50 million pounds worth. Supposedly Haliburton have heard there is  money and oil in this city. So America is about to invade. They were only stopped when they were told the prouncation is Aberdeen not Abideen. Also in the news, salmon fishing is beiging in the Tay. If you catch a fish you have to throw it back. What's the point of fishing. I thought you caught a fish and took it home with you. No one is going to belive the catch. "Honey I caught a fish it was huge",  at least a 1 hour fight on the rod". |"Great not been to Tesco yet, where is the fish". "Oh I threw it back". You could see the kids to there dad, "come on now dad, im sure it was a tadpole"?, honestly boys it was massive, sons would be "yeah yeah dad good one". Last piece of news that made me chuckle. The Tibetan priest is coming over to Scotland to visit. Inverness, Edinbrugh and Dundee. You can see 10.000 residents of Dundee turning up at the prospect of him dishing out peace, them thinking its a sandwich. see you all tomorrow x 

Sunday 15 January 2012

Tiger Tiger

Hello, on a bit of a hangover today. I was out last night living the ve da loca. Or out getting pissed, trilled, mango ed, smashed. Ended up in Soul which is quite good. A little older so not a lot of scrappy doo's jumping about. Getting into fights, with there let me at em, let me at am approach to the world. Then we went to tonik and this girl was doing some salsa dancing then fell on her arse. Then got up and done it again, funny like Todd Carty of dancing of ice fame.   Then we ended up in Tiger Tiger, it's a nightclub in Aberdeen. It's full of Made in Chelsea, or I like to call them Made as Leeches, as basically they suck the life out of any moron that watches this utter retarded gash*.  Or Towie, The only way is  ego. I know I need to think of better names!. The people in Tiger, Tiger have  More fake tan, false nails and false eyelashes that can be found at a Gypsy's wedding. I personally have never been one to love myself like half this lot. I mean there was a massive mirror next to me. All but one out of 100 looked into it and sorted there, bra, shirt, hair. The one that didn't she fell over. You had one girl that just had her phone out, I thought she was trying to get a signal, It was out that much. However she was so drunk she could not even send a text. It was really funny when she walked on the dance floor, it was like she was in a big pinball machine. Bouncing off of one person to another. Then you had the rugby guys re-creating hi 5s like they were in top gun as maverick and goose and just spiked the volleyball back at Iceman. Ultra gay. Then you have the guys that can't dance there just shovelling. I thought that there were from the Aberdeen City Council Garden Squad because everyday im shuffling.  Then you have the women that are like , I love me, and  I really love me, my friends love, my reflection loves me, but why doe's brad not love me. There are a lot of people with no manners, and don't get me started on the music. a Dj standing with a lap top, pretending that he has decks. Look at me i'm David Guetta, I would say more David Guetta to fu**.  grrrrrrrrr,  to Tiger Tiger, which is a appropriate ending for Tiger Tiger, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, there not so great. x

Saturday 14 January 2012

Keg Watch

As they say in Aberdeen for a greeting. Fit Likey. Well obviously the big story is the cruise ship in Italian water. However I only wish the people involved that they are found for there families sake. In other news, we have had bird watch, pub watch. now there is wait for it Keg watch, that's right police have decided that  robbers, murderers and rapists are old news. Now they are on the hunt for big shiny metal barrels, called kegs. Ah because there full of alchhol?. No empty empty ones?????. Wait a minute so the police have created a division for this. Yes that's right!, they go on about the police having lack of funding, they complain about the mountains of paperwork, but what if we track down empty kegs, it's criminalinty evolved. What's next instead of crime watch on BBC1 Keg watch. Tonight on Keg watch, Have you seen this slightly looking suspicious gezzer, goes by the name of Keg, metal by name metal by nature. Please stay vigilant check all your pub's could be hanging about in your cellar. In all fairness they are worth a few bob. I mean so much so, that it will be no time before you get Keg Insurance for pubs,  mind you for that to work insurers will need to drum up a little support, boom boom, or should I mean bang bang , xx 

Friday 13 January 2012

Child Benefts and Banking Cheiftan , with reference to a currnet song lol x

Hi there, thanks for stopping by! (Anchorman). In the news today government in cocaine shocker. David Cameron caught with over 4 kilos of cocaine. Yeah right!. He would be lucky to be caught with a alcoholic  drink, as he's a twat. Let's start again shall we. In the news today child benefit to be slashed. When I first read this, I thought oh my god. People are barley surviving on low incomes as it is. However once you read on. You realise that they are going to be cutting child benefit on anyone that earns 44,000 a year, or is above the 40% tax threshold (hey no falling asleep I know it's yawn tax). So obvisouly there is upraor at this another benefit cut. No that's right, people that have been claiming benefits that earn 44,000 a year are like, fuc** it. Oh well there goes the swan that I adopted. I mean for god sake they are on 44,000 a year. Why did the government not cut this sooner instead of cutting public funding to schools, clubs and library's. That's right why would they there on 44,000 a year. So instead of fiddling the expenses just give your salary a little top up and back of the net, a extra 2, 500 a year in child benefit. What's the saying again , give them a inch and they will take a monumental amount of money to themselves, through fraudulent epenses and child benefit. In other news the Lloyd's Banking Chief Atonio Horsa Fuckin* minted, has declined his annual bonus. Awwww what a tropper, a absoulte saint, maybe bankers get a raw deal from us. However he is on wait for it, deep breath 1.06million a year. WTF, When I went to Spain and ask how the bankers were partying. I thought to myself, Jonny enm ete Loko. I couldn't belive what I was lisiting to when Antonio told me his salary and bonus, What the Fu&*, All day , All night What the F8uc*
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,,,,  Oh his bonus a year for however long he has been working is 225% of that,      grrrrrrrrrr . 

Thursday 12 January 2012

Hello!. Right god knows how , but bloody Face book blocked my blog. No idea why. I think I have fought my case though. SO three cheers for the return of the blog. The content is not that bad. Anyway in the news today. American soldiers have urinated on Iraq's prisoners. I mean why would you do that. I tell you why, you send over people, there will be morons in every batch.  This is what happens, uneducated soldiers at a young age fighting in a unjust war. See brutal things, going to mess with anyone's mind. I'm not condoning what they did. I'm just sayign this is what will occur.! Mind you surprised I'm not talking about a hospital being blown up by friendly fire. Americans they do love to hit a big thing with a red cross. Wonder why England is not blown up, I mean that's basically a red cross. I think that's why Americans that have colour blindness are not allowed in the army. In other news Wonga.com Or that fat annoying bloke that just shouts wonga! no not Lenny Henry, he's black and doe's the hotels, No not the guy that does the Go Compere adverts. The fat dickhea*. well there in lot's of trouble as they have offered loans to pay for student's. I would love to see the Wonga.com studetn loans form. Why do you want a loan from Wonga.com for?.  Bullshi* answer. I have many travelling expenses. I have to catch two buses a day. I have 6 course books to buy at 40.00 pounds each. I have to help my impartial blind sister to campus, she needs constant care. Real answer. Basically me Barry and Egan are going to go on a 4 day bender in Lu ton, then onto Newcastle, we will be doing a variety of shots and other drink. Then I have to pay a deposit for the hotel room and cause I'll be sick all over the hotel suite. I will lose my 200.00 pounds deposit. Also need to pay for round 2, a night out in Liverpool Come on. Speak the morn x 

Wednesday 11 January 2012

Good Evening, "They may take our lives but they will never take our FREEDOM". Yes that's right our very own William Wallace, Mr Brave-heart himself, Alex Salmond. OK He's hardly  William Wallace, I gather that, he's 20 stone overweight and carry s a briefcase instead of a broadsword. However he doe's have a Brave-heart, as you would need, to consume that amount of daily cholesterol. He state's that Scotland wants a independence, no you do! we dont!. We will never get a independence, many moons ago we fought for a Iindependecce, got it gained our freedom and the one day thought nah it's overrated. However Scotland wants it again, we want to fly solo again. I mean look at all the money that is being made from the oil from England. We want to make our own oil and the revenue to stay in Scotland!. Yeah cause were going to see that money?. 10 years from now if Scotland has it's Independence. I'm will be sending my children to there gold plated school, in Lamborghini's, instead of packing the cheap Asda yogurt's, with all this money, it's  Muller Rice as i'm rich. Thank God i'm Scottish?. Note to  Mr Salmond it's not going to happen, so just give up the ghost, pack up your little battle reenactment of Bannockburn, put them back in the cupboard and take off your wig, put away your light sabre and stop pretending to be bloody William Wallace all the time and wise up.             x 

Independence what a laugh

Good Evening, "They may take our lives but they will never take our FREEDOM". Yes that's right our very own William Wallace, Mr Brave-heart himself, Alex Salmond. OK He's hardly  William Wallace, I gather that, he's 20 stone overweight and carry s a briefcase instead of a broadsword. However he doe's have a Brave-heart, as you would need, to consume that amount of daily cholesterol. He state's that Scotland wants a independence, no you do! we dont!. We will never get a independence, many moons ago we fought for a Iindependecce, got it gained our freedom and the one day thought nah it's overrated. However Scotland wants it again, we want to fly solo again. I mean look at all the money that is being made from the oil from England. We want to make our own oil and the revenue to stay in Scotland!. Yeah cause were going to see that money?. 10 years from now if Scotland has it's Independence. I'm will be sending my children to there gold plated school, in Lamborghini's, instead of packing the cheap Asda yogurt's, with all this money, it's  Muller Rice as i'm rich. Thank God i'm Scottish?. Note to  Mr Salmond it's not going to happen, so just give up the ghost, pack up your little battle reenactment of Bannockburn, put them back in the cupboard and take off your wig, put away your light sabre and stop pretending to be bloody William Wallace all the time and wise up.             x 



Tuesday 10 January 2012

Labour hmmmmm

Hello again. I have had a eventful day, I was in my special little meetings today. There is as confusing as 4 piece sofa. Or more confusing than the ending of Captain America. Now that is confusing. Or giving a gay man a pair of tits, Or giving a lady Boy of Bangkok her special area back. Or as confusing as a well known rich chef, stealing wine for the buzz of it, strange if he was really wanting a buzz from stealing, why not steal a tin of lighter fluid. In the news Labour Leader Ed Milliband says that he can tackle the recession and lead us into a brighter future. I mean Ed Milliabnd the new boy, looks like he has been born with a set of cutlery up his arse, never mind a silver spoon. If he did have a set of silver cutler, I bet the grease boy would be up his  arse  arranging it, He would be saying "tsk tsk, is it serving spoon right , then fork and then knife". I mean he took over from slack jaw mcgraw (Gordon Brown). Personally I thought Gordon Brown was a pelican, that's why he wears a bib as when he speaks there is water spirting everywhere. Also if you look closley down his throat you can see a fish, that has been there since last october.


 So Milliband what are you going to do about poverty?, and rising house costs?, and the state of the NHS?. Milband "oh let me sort this cutlery set up my arse", now is it fork, spoon?, see even if he gets elected in, he will just do what the Tories have done , complain, moan and debate for numerous hours, after many  and heated exchanges, That's right (NOTHING). David Cameron and Nick Clegg,to David Cameron "Here David I thought I took on politics to make a difference to the world" , David  Cameron to Nick Clegg , "Yeah who told you that shite".  So we belive you Ed Milliband, looking forward to sweeping changes in goverment. Well see!

Monday 9 January 2012

Pride and Predjuce review Monday January the 9th

Hello !. I have just watched Pride and Prejudice the 2005 edition, with such actors as Donald Sutherland, and Myra Hyndley and Ian Brady. Well should of been.  They could of spiced up a rather keck storyline. All that happens is that one mum, panics and decides that one of her 5 daughters must be married for fear of ending up as spinsters, on the scrapheap.  Mr Bingley , in this he's a ginger headed twat arrives , holds a ball, a function  whereby a bunch of free loaders fill there faces and freelaod, think of a travellers campsite.  Mr Darcy comes to the ball with Mr Bingley.  Mr Darcy has a face on him all night, Jane falls for Mr Bingley, cause of his wealth, as Kayne West puts she is a gold digger, she ain't messing with no broke African American, (don't really wont to be writing that name that black home boy's call themselves. So anyway Mr Darcy likes Elizabeth, which is played from Keara Knightly, which is good looking but has a flat chest like a burst beach ball. She then hates Mr Darcy likes him, hates him agin, my god just fu** already. Then enters another ballabg Mr Wickham, hes a solider, but a bad solider ah, then he makes up some bullshit story , like Dawn French is thin, then he buggers off with Lydia, Mr darcy decides he wants to bang Elizabeth, but then Lydia decides to spoil the party, just as Mr Darcy was practising his spooning on some prostitute, no that never happened should of though. So then he writes a note to say im no a bastard, Elizabeth loses interest. Is that not the case with most women. Then Mr Wickham goes the padeo route and marries a 15 year old, then he bangs her, everyone is fine with it , and even shave a meal with a padeophile. Then Elizabeth fuck*s off somewhere to have a swoon and a cry. Then Mr Darcy asks her to marry her, she says no, he likes fuc* this , who does she this she is, i'm off to have a fight. Again like most men after rejection. He goes off somewhere in the distance, she returns home. Mr Bingley pumps Jane, Mr Darcy marry's Elizabeth after saying how honourable he is. I think either Jane Austen got bored and never wrote in a wedding, or production ran out of money. I would have the alt wedding, there's a massive fire and cause there is no smoke alarms back then they all burnt to death, apart from Elizabeth who turns into a mutant, who gives head for silver, only silver. Just my view so bite me,. You never had to endure two hours of this pish for Higher English aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sunday 8 January 2012

Sundays and Implants

Sunday bloody Sunday, Sundays are so dull are they?. Your just waiting for the last part of your hangover to die off. You can't be bothered moving. The fear of the onset of work on the Monday. The TV schedule is worse than having a Sunday dinner with Heston Blumingthal., over indulgent with layers of bullshit. The news story of the past month, graces us again. Is the scandal of the implants that have been given by the NHS. Now I have never understood why anyone would want to give there right breast to have implants. I mean people are going to look at these women and say wow what a perfect size of boob's. The woman gets a wee lift, no pun intended. Then she feels good about herself, gets home undresses and see herself in the mirror, and boom she feels like crap, or feels a right tit, pun intended. So correct me if I'm wrong why would she con herself into thinking that she has large breasts when she doe's not. I mean say the builder catches a eye of the woman with the perfect breasts and wolf whistles, this lady thinks I'm not a piece of meat and takes the matter to court. Could the builder's lawyers find out that the breasts that she had were fake and claim that he would of never whistled if they were saggy. There is a chance he could get away with it. I mean a lot of these women have had there breasts done for image and vanity, and  now they complain, as they might be faulty. Jesus just be happy with the body that you have. You might have small breasts, but a nice figure.  I now call these women Narcissus Implantus,  named after the greed god of vanity and implants, xx

Saturday 7 January 2012

Sat 7th of Jan +Study's and Researchers , bite me

I can't wait for the weekend to beign. Oh wait it has!. In today's news, killings, terrorist threats and people dying. I mean where is all the funny stories, such as policeman caught wanking, that's a Bobbie on the beat. You really have to look hard not to find doom and gloom in the news, it's all scaremonger at its best. Which makes it very hard to write a blog. In the news today a bag of groceries costs less now than 1852. WOW. Some total ball bag spent gods knows how much money on this study. I mean who cares if eggs are cheaper or dearer. Go and get a real job you plank! (insert the letter w to change plank to _ank). A Christmas dinner for six will cost more than last year, wait a minute I thought groceries were cheaper. Good to see that Nottingham University has put all the Sheriff of Nottingham taxes to good use. I mean what they going to study next, a man that lifts a toilet seat,  never actually pees on it, it's actually getting a man to lift in the first place says professor Armold Gumble from Michigan, he studied 100 men against one toilet for lifting the yadda , bladda cock off .... In other news I got a jar of Uncle Ben's sweet and sour for a £1.00, I'm going to have a sweet and sour chicken, that will make me feel good. Professor Bruce from Toronto says that Chicken gives us the feel good factor if eaten in moderation, 2 seconds people,     thud, thump, punch , kick, stomp, whack, ow, ow ow, keep quiet Bruce, it's for your own good. That's better, I feel all relaxed now, Till the morn x

Sat 7th of Jan +Study's and Researchers , bite me

I can't wait for the weekend to beign. Oh wait it has!. In today's news, killings, terrorist threats and people dying. I mean where is all the funny stories, such as policeman caught wanking, that's a Bobbie on the beat. You really have to look hard not to find doom and gloom in the news, it's all scaremonger at its best. Which makes it very hard to write a blog. In the news today a bag of groceries costs less now than 1852. WOW. Some total ball bag spent gods knows how much money on this study. I mean who cares if eggs are cheaper or dearer. Go and get a real job you plank! (insert the letter w to change plank to _ank). A Christmas dinner for six will cost an average of £74, £3.70 more than last year, that's right people one study say it's cheaper and another say it's more. Good to see Nottingham University putting all the money they made from taxes to good use. I mean what they going to study next how a baby rolls to one side to fart, "well I think you will find professor of Michigan says that if a baby moves to the side it can yadda , blabba cock off. 


In other news, I went to the shops and got a jar of Uncle Ben's sweet and sour for 1pound, how cool is that. RESULT of the day 

Sat 7th of Jan +Study's and Researchers , bite me

I can't wait for the weekend to beign. Oh wait it has!. In today's news, killings, terrorist threats and people dying. I mean where is all the funny stories, such as policeman caught wanking, that's a Bobbie on the beat. You really have to look hard not to find doom and gloom in the news, it's all scaremonger at its best. Which makes it very hard to write a blog. In the news today a bag of groceries costs less now than 1852. WOW. Some total ball bag spent gods knows how much money on this study. I mean who cares if eggs are cheaper or dearer. Go and get a real job you plank! (insert the letter w to change plank to _ank). A Christmas dinner for six will cost an average of £74, £3.70 more than last year, that's right people one study say it's cheaper and another say it's more. Good to see Nottingham University putting all the money they made from taxes to good use. I mean what they going to study next how a baby rolls to one side to fart, "well I think you will find professor of Michigan says that if a baby moves to the side it can yadda , blabba cock off. 


In other news, I went to the shops and got a jar of Uncle Ben's sweet and sour for 1pound, how cool is that. RESULT of the day 

Friday 6 January 2012

Friday the 6th of January

Fish Scam in Peterhead. Top story in the news today. Is that 4 trawler men and a company in Shetland have made off with 8 million pounds. By lying about there fishing quota's. That hardly seems right, lying about fish numbers and making millions of pounds. Mind you Simon Cowell has been doing that for years, might as well as be fish, as his product is utter tripe. The European Comission should be looking at his quota's.  I mean I wonder if they will make a documentary of the biggest fish scam in Scotland, since my dad's portion of scampi was eaten by the dog, I wonder what they will call the documentary, A fib called Wanda, Tuna lies, or how about Cod in the Act 3. In other news Big Fat Stinking Gypsy Paddy Doherty avoids jail, for having a brawl, reporters have been trying to track him down, one reporter say it's impossible to track the location when you live in a mobile home. I would say just check for the dog that has more bones showing than posh spice, rubbish and a caravan with a shotgun sticking out the window. I mean not bad if I was to go a kick the living daylights out of someone then I would be jailed. Paddy Doherty gets away with it , of course cause he's a celebrity. Maybe they thought that he has suffered enough. I mean let's face it, he did have to endure Jedward for 2 weeks. See you the morn xx 

Thursday 5 January 2012

5th of Jan

Good Evening to all of you. You have decided to come back and have a read of my blogg. First of all thanks for returning. There is not much happening to be honest in Scotland. The new year has passed and were now all away back to work, no doubt counting down the next days to holidays. Many people will be saying oh that's only 139 sleeps, until I fly off to Mexico, Canada, Isle of Mann. Some of these people feel it's appropriate to put sleep updates on there Face book. Thais right total knob jockeys, I mean like people care when there next on holiday, but they seem to think we care. They get right on my nipple end. In the news Hurricane Bawbag strikes again blowing down tree,s injuring people on a train, some homes in the west of Scotland have had no power, some locals call it shocking, however how can it be, if the homes have no power. In other news a policeman has been caught shoplifting and one of the items has been KY Jelly, now I bet his lover knows what it is to suffer the long arm of the law, i.e (fisting). I have been watching Board-walk Empire Season 1, and I am currently  listening to 50 cent album Get rich or Die trying, speak soon peter

Wednesday 4 January 2012

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What a year 2011 was, civil unrest in Egypt, personally I blame the pyramid scheme. Then we had Tunisia, god can people just not try to get along. Its like countries leaders, get annoyed cause one has ate the last cookie at nursery. Then we had the Royal Wedding. I was suppose to be at the Royal Wedding but the rifle bullets didn't fit the rifle, god dam eBay. Then there was the London Riots, there has not been so much destruction in the London area since Michelle Mcmanus visited London Swimming Pool, many Japanese tourists though it was Godzilla, but then they realised that Godzilla does not have ginger hair. Osama was gunned down in his one million pound house, Davina and Channel 4 could of called it the Million Pound Drop Live. Then was the turn of the hurricane ballbag, bawbag in Glasgow. That is my review of the 2011, boom boom 2012 baby and what will begin the year. The return of hurricane bawbag, mental is it, Americans call there hurricanes George, katrina. Scotland hurricane bawbag, next one will be pishflaps, followed by hurricane Mc Cunty. Winds are mental are they they manage to blow down trees and create rail chaos to passengers. I mean come on mother nature, is that all you can do to Scotland disrupt my rail time table, terrorists seem to have the same idea, as does late train drivers.


Another dictator going the way of the do do, its a bad time for megalomaniac, I think other people are looking at other professions, supposdely Robert Mugambi son is looking at a nursing degree, It certainly is safer than the role of dictator. I mean least hitler has some company in hell, he wont be bored, osama bin laden, kim jong the 2, and colneol gadaffi duck. Who will be joining them, personally I think Peter Andre should be down there with them for crimes against humanity. You know that its a new year, as TV is utter gash, think all the soaps have had there big story lines, so now these programmed muppets have to wait all year for the story to be built up again to predictable bullshit. Anyway im going to sign off, thanks for taking the time to read my blogg xxx