HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD

Hello peeps, here is this weeks blog, enjoy


Undercover boss on Channel 4, this programme plumps a CEO of a company, into a company. The CEO watches the workers work, how they work with there colleague's and how they deal with  customers and then hand out big cash bonuses, there were even promotions within the company and like Micheal Moore at any American tragedy, camera's were there rolling, to record any tears or emition's. Had a undercover boss at my work, he also watched how I inter grated with customers and colleagues, then I was sacked.


Posh Spice, is back in the news!. It was reported that her children encourage her to have a drink. If that sour puss was my mother I would tell her to drink and then drive her car off a bridge.


Abu Hamza? or captain hook or Jamie Andrew the climber, will be extradited to the USA for being a hate preacher. He says that he is here to spread a message. Now is it just me that thinks Abu would of had a longer stint in this country if he was more subtle in his message. Change his nickname from hate preacher to minster of a conflict of interests. He is on benefits, how does he sign on, does he have to scribe his name into bedrock. Also when your at the benefits office they try to match you with the job that you want to do. Alright for Abu , Woman at the benefits office, NO results for hate preacher. Abu would be saying love this country!. "Don't even have to fill in the job report"


Madonna or MAJ, or is that RAJ. Has just released a new perfume called Truth or Dare, where did she come up with the concept. I'm thinking the 80s. OK Truth Maj?, Maj would be like don't  go and see any of my films there shite. OK Dare. Sleep with Sean Penn. Nah your OK. She doe's not show her hands when being photographed for the mass of veins. To hell with her hands, look at her arms. She has veins that huge. I thought they were AA road maps.


Did you hear of the Kangaroo that swam off the animal park. to swim for freedom. Then came back for his friend. What a wallaby. It's not the first time that the Wallaby has made a break for it. You think the gamekeeper that was Australian would of heard of Tie my Kangaroo down sport.


Emma Watson was in the paper for sporting a tattoo. Some people think she is hot. She looks about 12 years old. Wannabe padeo's I guess. I feel the Harry Potter crew, will go the way of the Dodo. Her new film is called Bling Ring. After reading reports and seeing the cast. It will be painful to sit through this. It should be called the aptly Ring Sting.




See you next week xxx

Peter's Blog Thursday April 12th

Another week another rant. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Love writing it, So for anyone that is not reading it, just delete it... Love you all peter x x

• I'm feeling absolutely amazing, I can't describe how I am feeling. I could kiss a cat, stroke a dog (not in that way ), catch a fish, hug people,. OR smile more, eat a Chinese and not feel guilty!. Sign up for a Charity.  Feeling epic, just like Brian from Moneysupermarket.com           aye FUC* OFF!  

• Man VS Food, food always wins. Premise of this show is fat American gets fatter. that's about it!. Strange thing about this show is that everyone encourages him to eat. God knows what his doctor must say, he usually there egging him on. That's right he is cooking another egg to throw on the pile of food. He lost that many battles, that next season people will be jeering instead of cheering. 

• Most pointless job in the world.  Draw master on the National Lottery, they basically stand with a clipboard and do nothing, any health and safety person at your work then. Watching tons of balls being slapped about in a massive clear orb. Anyone that cannot picture that. Just watch Queer as Folk box set. There are so many draws on the National Lottery, it's like watching Falkirk and Dundee and Hibs at home. Dale Winton is so fat. Do you think he played Supermarket Sweep and then just ate the contents, including the bouncy banana bonus!.  I know dale loves meat, surely it's not that fattening?. 

• Oily Murs, don't get me started!. No personality but cheeky, can half sing and he can present. (What he can read words from a proctoractor). Wow what a genius and he's young which = total c*nt . This is another one from the Simon Cowell factory. Sometimes the Devil can take many forms and alter images, to re invent himself.  The devil  has survived for thousands of years...   Pirates he produced a jaunty song, pirates bought then plundered, and murdered people. Created Black Lace, no people were not killed, however thousands of souls lost, has now become Simon Cowell and taken control of the charts, warped all young minds for his assault on the world, you have been warned!.  

• Titanic, 100 years on. Film released again. No-one seems to like this film?. However it was one of the biggest selling films of all time. So just admit you have watched it.  Without Titanic you would not have Leorando Dicaprio in Gangs of New York and the Departed. Di Capro is now as widley know as Iceberg dead ahead and Winslett is as famous as that guy you know from Big Borther Season 3, he had that thing with the blond hair woman, oh never mind!. 

• Dappy chiich chagi bang bang. Is not happy, he's trying to write a album, but spells it ablum. Could be there for a while. He is a gangster as one of his song's suggests. He's misunderstood. Well stop speaking in bloody slang. TIT!.  Gangster seen a bigger gangster on Bugsy Malone. Dappy could not perform a drive thru never mind a drive by. He would be like at McDonald's, can get IIIII Chickenn Royale ,,, dog!!!. 

• Watched Shrek, other night and have to say. It's not that good. There is not enough of the King and Eddie Murphy is as annoying as Louis Spence on Coke, at a party, TV. Fuc* it anything!!!. Shrek is suppose to be a Scottish accent. However not sure where Mike Myers was staying to pick up a accent as bad as that, maybe Dundee.

• Jordan AKA Katie Price is right, I'll sell you my marriage, child birth and death. Has lost her show on UK living. That's because people have a choice on Sky. People choose not to watch. I heard that Katie Price is a big lover of Polo. When she first asked to play it, she went into the shops bought a packet and consumed them, saying what have I won. Which some TV producer laughed so much and said a show on ITV 2. 

• Lastly the hooker Jenny Thomson that has bedded every footballer,  now sleeps with dwarf's. So let's see you have Sleepy (Peter Coruch), Randy (Wayne Ronney), Bashful (Any cun*), womaniser  (John Terry), Shit in Bed (Ashley Cole), Rent boy (David Becham) Wife beater (any of the back four of the England team after a night out!!!) 

Anyway I'm spent see you all next week xx 

MISC April 4th to 7th Sn

• Hi all and thanks for all the support and love, also for taking the time to read my Blog. Also a big thanks to people that have seen me on a stage recently and appreciated what I have to offer to stand up.

• Channel 5, no not the perfume. The terrestrial station. Has Cowboy Traders with Dominic Littlewood and Melinda Messenger (former page 3 girl, no she is not now on page 5). They go and investigate all the dodgers (Nick Clegg, no sadly not)  in the UK armed with there bag of onions. As they both need human tears for this show to work. The best bit is when they go and find free stuff, for example. If they need a venue or chairs, beds. Page 3 girl, will work her magic and get either for free, or discounted. So does that mean we can all just jump into a furniture store and plead that our big day is hooped from a rouge trader. The shop owner would say, wait a minute I don't remember you being on the third page of a national newspaper, or you have not a camera crew, so piss off. 

• Watched kids that think there a vampire. Kids that run around cutting themselves and drinking there blood. Total muppets, infact Count on Seasme Street is a bigger vampire than any of  these socially inept retards. Each to there own I guess. The best bit was when one of them said that we are vampires. However were not like Hollywood vampires, we sleep in our own beds, Well least these make shift vampires get there own beds instead of coffins..... bloody coffin dodgers 

• Watched the mental storage hunters. Series on Dave, what not Top Gear. No they do have other programmes. A ex boxer goes around and buys tat, from lock ups. Think Bargin Hunt with balls. There was a fight on it, when two rivals clashed. Imagine that on Bargin Hunt the Red Team punching f*ck out of the Blue Team over a silver spoon set. There was a guy from Iraq, did two tours and they were haggling over Yankees baseball memorabilia. However he supported Boston Redsox. Just think Celtic and Rangers and he said this. There are two things I will never touch in my life Nazi Pamperphillia and Yankee memorabilia.......... Good to see Uncle Sam is still producing moral citizens. 

• Ever noticed Ramsden Gold employee's all look like they should be playing on line bingo, on plenty of fish or should be a receptionist for a debt companies. 

• Funny how McDonald's, is the main sponsor of the Olympic Games. The fattest food that you can have. I mean even a bulimic could not hold down there produce. Why would McDonalds be promoting sports, bit backwards, like Jack the Ripper promoting prostitution. As in this country we are more senstive about our weight. Have you been to a McDonalds. People look down  at you going into there, almost as humiliating as walking  into a Cash Converters.. No I have not been in there, since I came off the Meth and stopped robbing houses. 

• George Galloway is re elected in Bradford.  Politics is seen as that pis* in England, that they have elected a total arse wipe, See how cheesy he was on that open top bus, really showing why he has the last name of Galloway, (name of a cheese). He looked like the cat that got the cream. Yes George UK wont forget of your big brother pussy stint. 

• Snowfall in England and it's total chaos. Snowfall in Scotland and we just put on another jacket, maybe wear some sensible footwear for that day. England has gridlock and power cuts and total panic. Why do they treat snow like the end of the world. When they see snow, they all envisage the 4 horsemen of the accoplylse and the end of the world. Do you think there are nutters standing on the street with signs saying the "End of the world is upon us, expected snow showers"! 

• The big fuel crisis was upon us, where you going, no were fine, there is fuel. Thought you were about to rush out and buy some fuel. We love panic buying. Car's being overfilled and people on fire. There has not been this much panic buying since the Romans foreseen a shortage in crucifixes. 

• Neil Lennon was targeted by the terrorists of Wallace and Gromit, two dunderheids. Now I know it's not a nice story!. However these two dunderhieds, went in plain clothed to Staples and bought thousands of staples. Now I'm no FBI agent or even MI5. However even the largest of offices go through 40 staples a week. However staff at Staples, Just said that's a lot of staples, lots of binding to do. However why did they not cover there tracks. Not like Taliban go into B and Q for 40, 000 gallons of kerosene. Also supposedly if you buy a pirate DVD, we fund terrirsiom, Taliban Eric "hey keep copying Legally Blonde another 400 of these and we will have another war missile". "I'm copying but do you not think that we should be copying HUGO", No you infidel, the copies are not so good" "No one will buy them" 

• Duke and Duchess have been made into wax at Maddame Tussards. So now they get even more on my wick than ever, boom boom. I cant stand these two. However newsreaders love them, every time they say there name they have a multiple orgasm's. Could you imagine them in bed, "oh was that good for you honey", "It was OK", "why you smiling so much then". "Oh just thinking of that Wills and Kate story that I covered today" 

• Lastly the Apprentice is back on our screens, no not a bumbling, tenneager missing  a day , spotty fumbling kid, that gets more bullied on a work yard than a goth in American school.The show on  BBC 1.  Everyone sucks up to sugar like there all effing bee's around the honey pot. Boardroom just over inflated ego's arguing with each other for 10 minutes. " I was not born with a silver spoon, I have a degree, Sugar    " It's whoever can suck enough of Sugar's Cock" that's who will get the job, as 11 candaites looking for one Job that job being a blow job. 

• See you next week xxx