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Monday, 2 July 2012

Well what a few weeks it has been. Had a job lost a job, completed the second season of the fantastic wire, fallen out with even more ballbags in the world of comedy and tasted a peculiar cheese for the first time. All part of life I guess.

The Euros have almost finished. Hear women up and down the country cheer with delight, as they get there TVs back

Long time no speak, Trying to find my comedy voice, it's harder than Bruce Willis running around in Die hard over broken glass with no shoe's. Supposedly it take's years to find it, hopefully not like the G-Spot, as after 15 years, I now term it the Holy Grail. 

In the month of June, the Queen's Jubilee Concert. Prince Philip was unwell, standing in the rain for 4 hours, meaning he will be handed another medal. He has seen less action than a plastic action man dating a plastic barbie. Also Tulisa Consti* boyfriend was given angry death threat's, about the sex tape, Amazing, that the sex tape is released same time as her single. I would call it porn, although, I have seen better blow jobs by sock puppets. *lyrics of We are young should be, forgive me for what I have done, he won't cum, I'm just young, Forgive me for what I have done, I can't make you cum, why won't you cum. Cheryl Cole has released a new song and showing true to form, she can't sing. The football has ended there were high and lows. A chip that Mc ain would be proud of. Spain were the rightly winners, they play football the right way. Apology for Scottish and Irish for Strachan and Keane. Sorry to the English for Lawerson, Hansen , Shearer, Linkear and Tyldsley and Adrian Chiles. My deepest sympathetic apology to Liverpool for Jamie Carrachger. Although big thanks to Loaded and Nuts cameraman, every time the ball went out of play there was a shot of a gorgeous girl, which shows it was worthy to watch Ireland. Scotland get through that's double the talent. Jimmy Carr is a cun!. Mr too goody shoes, hardest working stand up in the UK. So would you if you knew you were only paying 1% tax. He apologise though, must of thought what a RELIEF. He won't need a break from comedy as all that work has been non taxing. 
Lastly David Cameron is still and always be a supercun




Speak Soon 




Peter

Thursday, 31 May 2012

Last day of May, Twitter, BT, QUEEN and Schwopping

This weeks blogg.


  • First of all, how annoying is it when you follow someone and they don't follow you back. Peers is the worst. Born ballbags. 
  • What a total balls up I have had with BT engineers. My phone is not working, I can't hear what the other person is saying, it frequently cuts out. Enter the first BT Engineer, he might as well as turned up with spurs and a horse, he basically came out and turned up the volume on the phone. What a numbnuts, why did I not think of that, of course it's the volume on the phone. So needed to call out BT Engineer number 2, this guy was older, but his chat was so bad I thought he was a divorced male taxi driver. He did some tests, where he listened out for things, at one point I thought he was going to put his ear to the ground and say that number one engineer is approaching. IE Cowboy, and he's the Indian then he Say's well sorry son, ran out of time be back tomorrow, can they not finish the fucki*g job!. I can't turn around in my job and say that's dinner time, fuc* the boats waiting for this load. He says's that "I will be back tomorrow and fix the phone don't need access to the house", fair enough. Problem not resolved. You know what he did  he falsely mentions in his report that he contacted me. What a knob!. No I never seen his cock as engineer one was not with him. Now there wanting me to stay in on Monday, no way you stupid fuck*. They don't advertise this on there BT captain speedy adverts it's just that desperate housewife ginger  cun* trying to get in about a girl that has as much interest in him as she has in the other little cun* that has much personality as a divorced male taxi driver, or alt a BT engineer. In the words of cher LLyod grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (song I want you back)
  • Speaking of Cher Llyod, I was reading in a article that she is not getting along with Cheryl jimmy super fly cole (cause of the jump off the stage on BBC the Voice). They have fallen out as Cher Llyod says that she can't sing, which is a true statement. No one goes against the girl from Tyneside though, so she said and I quote, "Be careful who you knock, it's a long drop from the top".and being Cherly she done it through Twitter. Don't know John Terry and your cun* of a husband seem to be dropping front the top.Wait Super cunt and super cunt 2 they never seem to get any form of comeuppance , (still waiting). However when you say that. your fall from grace was hilarious, and your comeback has not been that spectacular, some pap song that will be in and out the charts quicker than Rik Waller going through a KFC bargin bucket.  
  • God save the Queen, wait for it lovely jubilee and England and some turncoat Scots love her. I going to buy a commemorative plate and have a massive dump on it. I can't stand the Royals, there not for me. But up and down the country we will be performing false genocide. As no-one really likes the Queen, they just want to be like everyone else and have a identity  to our country. Hang your head in shame you Royal Twat* 

  • Lastly Joanna Lumley is now schwopping, or whatever it's called. Marks and Spencer are firmly behind it. Basically people take all there clothes and shwop them. Another scheme that Joanna Lumley needs to get behind, first there was the gherkins and then schwopping. What's next climate change, saving forest's making Jenefir Saunders funny again, You are turning into a female Bono but you love it, AB FABOFF 




Speak Soon

Peter Wood

Catch my random bloggs and podcast's and i'm also on Twitter, @peterpolishwood

xx



Tuesday, 29 May 2012



Well it's almost June,

  • This year is going quicker than a spider scrambling across the floor when you have not squsihed him hard enough with the toilet tissue.. We have been all there, clambering around on the floor as your girlfriend, mother, daughter, basically anything that is from Venus, is acting like a elephant that has just spotted a mouse. I don't think I have met any female out there that are not scared of spiders, supposedly we pass fears from one generation to another. Women say that they could easily live without a man!, hmm I have a feeling that we need each other, as if we were not here, there would be just wall to wall of spiders ruling earth. Mind you if we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, (as the other one is now being used to squish the spider, before the little fly bastar* runs under the crack in the floorboards, (which we were suppose to fix, two months ago). The spider has made his getaway and our blunder of not getting him. Is now backfired, as the spider is now a distant memory and fixing the effing floorbaords is now hers. Thanks spider, i'm going to get you good next time, ya little pric*. OR with her constant moaning every single day for the next two weeks, wish I could climb underneath there with him, lucky bastar*. Now I'm not being all anti women, as man needs women, if there were no women, there would just be men, up and down the country hogging a settee, like a golden Labrador, with his own special brand of flu. "Come here dear I think I have the flu you had, however by the time it gets to us, it has grown 4 different strains and mutated. She had a slight cold, but were off work, We walk about like we have the T-Virus from Resident Evil, (for all you gamers out there). "you OK honey", "think il'l live but it's touch and go. As man unwell, needs attention and cuddles and hugs and bosie's, lots of them.  So Men would  have no-one complain to when they were unwell. So the balance of the planet's equilibrium is held....
  • I have just completed a month's voluntary work at Remploy. It was pure crap. Working for no money sucks more than a Dyson. However I would encourage anyone that has had a lengthy lay off from work to do it. This Monday was eventful I have accepted a job and will begin work next Monday. No more sitting on my arse for me, yes ready to take on the world, grafting, head down and get on with it, in my office based role, pmsl. Fuck**g right, if your going to work, you do the least possible work. I'm not as daft as I look, don't answer that. 
  • There is not much happening in the news apart from Alex Salmond asking to vote for our independence. No!, your OK, you keep it. I don't think that it's a wise decision to leave something that we know for something that we don't. That's the equivalent of a 30 year old, man from Aberdeen, leaving a well paid job, to teach in Asia. (fucking* stupid). So when you get the chance to vote, tell that fat retarded beaver IE Alex Salmond to fuck* clean off. I heard that he is going to be having a tent at T in the Park. Could you imagine that going up to Ned's, excuse me can I interest you in Independence, nah mate I just bought a bag of coke....................
Speak Soon 

Peter
  
Also Please have a listen to Inside the Comedy Studio, with Robin Valo, Robert Starr and Scott Jeffery







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Saturday, 12 May 2012

BGT , that's right Britain's got talent rant. 


I have watched this telly cancer all week, more shit that can be seen if 2 monkeys in the zoo covered in shit, holding a shit protest. We have had in no particular order a cun* that raps about his keys and phone, some dodgy German bloke, going on about how this is his song, sure is tit, no one else would sing that shi*.  then some woman that fancies Simon Cowell?. Yes that deserves a big question mark!.


On to the final and there is 10 rejects, more fuckin* rejects that could be found in a raggy doll bin, That Irish kid that broke down, as he got blown out from a girl, and Alesha soon to be the face of Dixon's, Is like it's her loss, I'm pretty sure that she is thinking thank fu**, what a tosser, yes he can write his own songs, but my god he must go through some amount of tissues, on about crying not wanking!



Then we have Amanda Holden by the fucking throat and duck her head in sulphuric acid, for 35 Min's at a time, and still we could not get back to her natural cheek bones, and lips, She is actually crying inside that face suit. Looking well just now, well sort of, if you want to masturbate to Freddy the krugger with added collagen 




As for the judges, I never ever thought that Little Britain and trans gender, fuck wit was as funny as salt on your bell end and guess what in 7 hours, nope as funny as a fanny fart when giving head. I wish he would swim the channel again, swim back to fuckin* BBC 1. 


The Welsh, choir is total shite. How much choir boys does it take to blow off a conductor, as much as that man can get his lips round.  however many is that band. Doe's anyone think that the manager looks like the guy from Shawshank Redemption, the warden. You remember the guy, blew himself away, why do that, when you have a whole choir. Yes I went there.


As for the MEND, soon to be called the METH, as there career goes out quicker, than Brain Harvey after announcing a E binge on national radio. Oh but they are so UK, yes Ugly and on a KilmanGIRO, cun**


Also we have Jonathan oh fuc* me my face is up the creek, has it been hit with a paddle, Yes they can sing. However would you want a poster of teeth of a landscape looking down to you. Good alarm clock quasamdo saying the bells , the bells 


Ashely and Pudsey won it, a fucking dancing dog act, a fucking dancing dog act, UK hang your heads in shame. You are the biggest fuc*wits going. The exact same tricks, If pudsey was ran over I wouldn't feel to bad, in fact I would probably reverse back over what I had done........ 

Well the good thing is that the Queen is to suffer this telly cancer, ha ha ah ah a, get it down ya cun*. You could imagine her in the royal box, Look Philip dancing dogs, Philip oh is Fergie and Ann dancing 


gr gr gr rg rg rgr rgr gr grg rgr      






HASH TAG          FUC* BGT 

Sunday, 29 April 2012

HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD