Back to the College

• Thursday 31st March 2011.  Well with another fruitless expedition in the job hunting. I have decided to go back to college, cue the 80s theme tune music, high class shades, up turned collar on the shirt. I can see me now frappé parties, girls, drugs. College in Scotland, nope there will be numerous clique's, goths and neds . Super and here is me the 33 year old. Imagine the chat, WOW, did you see twilight, WTF, I'll end up killing them all. However I have to go back. I could meet the girl of my dreams, face like a wellington on a bonfire, buck teeth, small chested. No that's the girl of my nightmares. Who knows what could be in store for me. Now that I'm 33. I will be one of the oldest, Il'l be the one dishing out the wedgies, this time. *What not to watch, Louie Spence's Show business , not that I'm homophobic it;s his career choice, just that he is a total (cun*t) x

Nevermore

Wednesday 30th March Oh well got up this morning to be awoken by the bloody pigeons that sit on my windowsill, right out of the Edgar Allan Poe.. Poem. I swear it's a different pigeon every morning, like they have a coo, against me. It's like they know I was up late last night. Sometimes I cant be bothered with bumping the window with my fist, so I throw a shoe. Hit's the window every time, I'm starting to get a great aim, would of gave the Iraqi journalist Muntadar al Zaidi a run for his money.(the guy that threw a shoe at George W Bush and missed). Bloody amateur, I get so annoyed with these pigeons, thank god my name is not Disney's Handy Manny, as if I had a hammer I would of threw that. In the words of Edgar Allen Poe, I was sitting in my chamber and there was a rappping a constant tapping  above my chamber door (window), quote the pigeon NEVER MORE, Recommended tune for the day, sweet child of mine by guns and roses 

Tues 29th March, 2011

• Tuesday the 29th March 2011. I am so tired today, I was woken up at 8am by a random phone call, some woman looking for Mrs Ming, I don't know a bloody Mrs Ming, Maybe you should try calling effing Flash Gordon. He knows her husband however I don't think they get along to well. Anyway gets back to sleep and wham woken up again by bloody noisy dustmen. Straight out of the song park life from blur, I wake up in the morning only to be rudely be wakened by the dustmen, PARK LIFE. So I'm now raging and so tired and wanting to have a cigarette more than ever. However stopped smoking, In the words of the beloved Lloyd Bridges, "I picked the wrong week to quit smoking" (Airplane, 1980). 

• Monday the 28th March 2011 I awoke this morning at around 8am. I had no intention of waking up so early. However my phone alarm had other idea's. Not bad on Sunday it had forgotten to inform me of the clocks going forward. So I am running about like a mad man thinking I'm a hour late for a meeting. Bloody phones. However can you just blame the technology. I think I have to warrant some of the blame. I should of turned off the bloody alarm. Anyway so I thought I will get up and apply for some jobs. Nice one's part time post's, cleaner and catering, labouring. So I thought that is the jobs applied for, don't get your knickers in a twist, if they don't reply straight away. Then by 4pm, rejection after rejection. I felt like a ginger kid with bad acne at a school disco, utter rejection. Nightmare oh well I will cook my tea steak pie and chips. I feel that when you see the offer for 1 pound, you think bargain, until you cook it  Another nightmare of a tea. Anyway to top it all off my oven light kept switching off. However there is a tatic that I learnt from my dad, if anything electrical is on the blink, give it a kick. The light usually comes on after a good kicking. Do not apply this theory to a item that has been purchased from 1989 onwards, as you just seem to break it, However the amount of times that we got the TV, or CD player or soda stream to work was amazing. Tonight has been a bit better just watched Inside the Actors Studio with Tom Hanks. Brilliant recommend to watch this show, just watching a classic simpsons episode, the one with the bum that claims to have invented Itchy and Scratch x

Welcome to my first blog

Week 1 

• I was at the doctor's. I  went to the doctor's for a STD kit, just for the 3 month check up. I asked the lady at the reception if she had a kit, I'm not sure, however I will ask everyone in reception. Do we do the STD kits, not sure let's ask Alice, while were here let's ask the night shift cleaners, maybe we should accompany him to his first date and ask her, while were here let's ask if his grandma if she knows. After all that pa lava and the fact that my face turned so red, it was practically purple. I looked like a bloody Ribena Berry, the only part that was missing was the woohhhhooo. The older receptionist came through and said we don't do them here as all we would be doing is the STD test. I mean the bloody cheek, that's right as after clerical in the job description it Say's bloody STD test. I think you will find that you don't bloody do them, the lab does them. So glad I didn't say my name. Hopefully they won't recognise me. Probably said who would have sex with him. He is so ill mannered. No imagine he was your son in law, I would throttle him, Pain in the ass e's. I tell you without sounding sick. They fair treat you like shite, when you are in the Doctors. Bloody soulless the lot of them. It's right across the country. If these women were part of the gestapo, instead of 1,2,3 we would of been saying eins, swei, drie Hitler.

• Tuesday night was the night of the topical material at Snafu. I was thrown on first. However don't really mind to much when you are put on. Before the gig I had beans on toast. Not the meal I would of chosen, just bloody skint. Worse of all was that I forgot that I had no butter, so I had to eat the beans with bland toast. Not recommend it was like eating dry sandpaper. Anyway back to the gig. I practiced my material in the shower, with the broken microphone I have. Not sure if I should use that in the shower. It looks like it's leaking copper. I also stand in front of the kitchen window. Glad no one can see me then I walk down to the gig. I always buy a bar of chocolate before the gig. However my stomach was sore this time round, proabaly due to the lack of food. So I just bought a fudge, I was going to buy two but thought that would be greedy. The compere had enterd the stage and just like clockwork I needed a come on shite. No idea why I always need a shite before a gig. I used to feel like this before I took ecstasy. So the compere announces me on stage. I walk to the stage confident take out the mike. Try to pause and watch my accent etc.. However when it's game time it's hard to remember these little things. I done well the Sheen and Libya material went down well. The promoter says well done. So i'm very happy. I go and wait for the bus and flag down the bus and the guy just drives by me. I am raging, I run all the way to the stop. I say hey why did you not stop he says that the bus doe's not stop there. The whole bus is laughing. Only me that would stand at the wrong bloody bus stop