Well what a few weeks it has been. Had a job lost a job, completed the second season of the fantastic wire, fallen out with even more ballbags in the world of comedy and tasted a peculiar cheese for the first time. All part of life I guess.

The Euros have almost finished. Hear women up and down the country cheer with delight, as they get there TVs back

Long time no speak, Trying to find my comedy voice, it's harder than Bruce Willis running around in Die hard over broken glass with no shoe's. Supposedly it take's years to find it, hopefully not like the G-Spot, as after 15 years, I now term it the Holy Grail. 

In the month of June, the Queen's Jubilee Concert. Prince Philip was unwell, standing in the rain for 4 hours, meaning he will be handed another medal. He has seen less action than a plastic action man dating a plastic barbie. Also Tulisa Consti* boyfriend was given angry death threat's, about the sex tape, Amazing, that the sex tape is released same time as her single. I would call it porn, although, I have seen better blow jobs by sock puppets. *lyrics of We are young should be, forgive me for what I have done, he won't cum, I'm just young, Forgive me for what I have done, I can't make you cum, why won't you cum. Cheryl Cole has released a new song and showing true to form, she can't sing. The football has ended there were high and lows. A chip that Mc ain would be proud of. Spain were the rightly winners, they play football the right way. Apology for Scottish and Irish for Strachan and Keane. Sorry to the English for Lawerson, Hansen , Shearer, Linkear and Tyldsley and Adrian Chiles. My deepest sympathetic apology to Liverpool for Jamie Carrachger. Although big thanks to Loaded and Nuts cameraman, every time the ball went out of play there was a shot of a gorgeous girl, which shows it was worthy to watch Ireland. Scotland get through that's double the talent. Jimmy Carr is a cun!. Mr too goody shoes, hardest working stand up in the UK. So would you if you knew you were only paying 1% tax. He apologise though, must of thought what a RELIEF. He won't need a break from comedy as all that work has been non taxing. 

Lastly David Cameron is still and always be a supercun* 

Speak Soon 

Peter

Last day of May, Twitter, BT, QUEEN and Schwopping

This weeks blogg.

• First of all, how annoying is it when you follow someone and they don't follow you back. Peers is the worst. Born ballbags. 

• What a total balls up I have had with BT engineers. My phone is not working, I can't hear what the other person is saying, it frequently cuts out. Enter the first BT Engineer, he might as well as turned up with spurs and a horse, he basically came out and turned up the volume on the phone. What a numbnuts, why did I not think of that, of course it's the volume on the phone. So needed to call out BT Engineer number 2, this guy was older, but his chat was so bad I thought he was a divorced male taxi driver. He did some tests, where he listened out for things, at one point I thought he was going to put his ear to the ground and say that number one engineer is approaching. IE Cowboy, and he's the Indian then he Say's well sorry son, ran out of time be back tomorrow, can they not finish the fucki*g job!. I can't turn around in my job and say that's dinner time, fuc* the boats waiting for this load. He says's that "I will be back tomorrow and fix the phone don't need access to the house", fair enough. Problem not resolved. You know what he did  he falsely mentions in his report that he contacted me. What a knob!. No I never seen his cock as engineer one was not with him. Now there wanting me to stay in on Monday, no way you stupid fuck*. They don't advertise this on there BT captain speedy adverts it's just that desperate housewife ginger  cun* trying to get in about a girl that has as much interest in him as she has in the other little cun* that has much personality as a divorced male taxi driver, or alt a BT engineer. In the words of cher LLyod grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (song I want you back)

• Speaking of Cher Llyod, I was reading in a article that she is not getting along with Cheryl jimmy super fly cole (cause of the jump off the stage on BBC the Voice). They have fallen out as Cher Llyod says that she can't sing, which is a true statement. No one goes against the girl from Tyneside though, so she said and I quote, "Be careful who you knock, it's a long drop from the top".and being Cherly she done it through Twitter. Don't know John Terry and your cun* of a husband seem to be dropping front the top.Wait Super cunt and super cunt 2 they never seem to get any form of comeuppance , (still waiting). However when you say that. your fall from grace was hilarious, and your comeback has not been that spectacular, some pap song that will be in and out the charts quicker than Rik Waller going through a KFC bargin bucket.  

• God save the Queen, wait for it lovely jubilee and England and some turncoat Scots love her. I going to buy a commemorative plate and have a massive dump on it. I can't stand the Royals, there not for me. But up and down the country we will be performing false genocide. As no-one really likes the Queen, they just want to be like everyone else and have a identity  to our country. Hang your head in shame you Royal Twat* 
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• Lastly Joanna Lumley is now schwopping, or whatever it's called. Marks and Spencer are firmly behind it. Basically people take all there clothes and shwop them. Another scheme that Joanna Lumley needs to get behind, first there was the gherkins and then schwopping. What's next climate change, saving forest's making Jenefir Saunders funny again, You are turning into a female Bono but you love it, AB FABOFF 

Speak Soon

Peter Wood

Catch my random bloggs and podcast's and i'm also on Twitter, @peterpolishwood

xx

Well it's almost June,

• This year is going quicker than a spider scrambling across the floor when you have not squsihed him hard enough with the toilet tissue.. We have been all there, clambering around on the floor as your girlfriend, mother, daughter, basically anything that is from Venus, is acting like a elephant that has just spotted a mouse. I don't think I have met any female out there that are not scared of spiders, supposedly we pass fears from one generation to another. Women say that they could easily live without a man!, hmm I have a feeling that we need each other, as if we were not here, there would be just wall to wall of spiders ruling earth. Mind you if we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, (as the other one is now being used to squish the spider, before the little fly bastar* runs under the crack in the floorboards, (which we were suppose to fix, two months ago). The spider has made his getaway and our blunder of not getting him. Is now backfired, as the spider is now a distant memory and fixing the effing floorbaords is now hers. Thanks spider, i'm going to get you good next time, ya little pric*. OR with her constant moaning every single day for the next two weeks, wish I could climb underneath there with him, lucky bastar*. Now I'm not being all anti women, as man needs women, if there were no women, there would just be men, up and down the country hogging a settee, like a golden Labrador, with his own special brand of flu. "Come here dear I think I have the flu you had, however by the time it gets to us, it has grown 4 different strains and mutated. She had a slight cold, but were off work, We walk about like we have the T-Virus from Resident Evil, (for all you gamers out there). "you OK honey", "think il'l live but it's touch and go. As man unwell, needs attention and cuddles and hugs and bosie's, lots of them.  So Men would  have no-one complain to when they were unwell. So the balance of the planet's equilibrium is held....

• I have just completed a month's voluntary work at Remploy. It was pure crap. Working for no money sucks more than a Dyson. However I would encourage anyone that has had a lengthy lay off from work to do it. This Monday was eventful I have accepted a job and will begin work next Monday. No more sitting on my arse for me, yes ready to take on the world, grafting, head down and get on with it, in my office based role, pmsl. Fuck**g right, if your going to work, you do the least possible work. I'm not as daft as I look, don't answer that. 

• There is not much happening in the news apart from Alex Salmond asking to vote for our independence. No!, your OK, you keep it. I don't think that it's a wise decision to leave something that we know for something that we don't. That's the equivalent of a 30 year old, man from Aberdeen, leaving a well paid job, to teach in Asia. (fucking* stupid). So when you get the chance to vote, tell that fat retarded beaver IE Alex Salmond to fuck* clean off. I heard that he is going to be having a tent at T in the Park. Could you imagine that going up to Ned's, excuse me can I interest you in Independence, nah mate I just bought a bag of coke....................

Speak Soon 

Peter

  

Also Please have a listen to Inside the Comedy Studio, with Robin Valo, Robert Starr and Scott Jeffery







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BGT , that's right Britain's got talent rant. 


I have watched this telly cancer all week, more shit that can be seen if 2 monkeys in the zoo covered in shit, holding a shit protest. We have had in no particular order a cun* that raps about his keys and phone, some dodgy German bloke, going on about how this is his song, sure is tit, no one else would sing that shi*.  then some woman that fancies Simon Cowell?. Yes that deserves a big question mark!.


On to the final and there is 10 rejects, more fuckin* rejects that could be found in a raggy doll bin, That Irish kid that broke down, as he got blown out from a girl, and Alesha soon to be the face of Dixon's, Is like it's her loss, I'm pretty sure that she is thinking thank fu**, what a tosser, yes he can write his own songs, but my god he must go through some amount of tissues, on about crying not wanking!



Then we have Amanda Holden by the fucking throat and duck her head in sulphuric acid, for 35 Min's at a time, and still we could not get back to her natural cheek bones, and lips, She is actually crying inside that face suit. Looking well just now, well sort of, if you want to masturbate to Freddy the krugger with added collagen 




As for the judges, I never ever thought that Little Britain and trans gender, fuck wit was as funny as salt on your bell end and guess what in 7 hours, nope as funny as a fanny fart when giving head. I wish he would swim the channel again, swim back to fuckin* BBC 1. 


The Welsh, choir is total shite. How much choir boys does it take to blow off a conductor, as much as that man can get his lips round.  however many is that band. Doe's anyone think that the manager looks like the guy from Shawshank Redemption, the warden. You remember the guy, blew himself away, why do that, when you have a whole choir. Yes I went there.


As for the MEND, soon to be called the METH, as there career goes out quicker, than Brain Harvey after announcing a E binge on national radio. Oh but they are so UK, yes Ugly and on a KilmanGIRO, cun**


Also we have Jonathan oh fuc* me my face is up the creek, has it been hit with a paddle, Yes they can sing. However would you want a poster of teeth of a landscape looking down to you. Good alarm clock quasamdo saying the bells , the bells 


Ashely and Pudsey won it, a fucking dancing dog act, a fucking dancing dog act, UK hang your heads in shame. You are the biggest fuc*wits going. The exact same tricks, If pudsey was ran over I wouldn't feel to bad, in fact I would probably reverse back over what I had done........ 

Well the good thing is that the Queen is to suffer this telly cancer, ha ha ah ah a, get it down ya cun*. You could imagine her in the royal box, Look Philip dancing dogs, Philip oh is Fergie and Ann dancing 


gr gr gr rg rg rgr rgr gr grg rgr      






HASH TAG          FUC* BGT 

HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD

Hello peeps, here is this weeks blog, enjoy


Undercover boss on Channel 4, this programme plumps a CEO of a company, into a company. The CEO watches the workers work, how they work with there colleague's and how they deal with  customers and then hand out big cash bonuses, there were even promotions within the company and like Micheal Moore at any American tragedy, camera's were there rolling, to record any tears or emition's. Had a undercover boss at my work, he also watched how I inter grated with customers and colleagues, then I was sacked.


Posh Spice, is back in the news!. It was reported that her children encourage her to have a drink. If that sour puss was my mother I would tell her to drink and then drive her car off a bridge.


Abu Hamza? or captain hook or Jamie Andrew the climber, will be extradited to the USA for being a hate preacher. He says that he is here to spread a message. Now is it just me that thinks Abu would of had a longer stint in this country if he was more subtle in his message. Change his nickname from hate preacher to minster of a conflict of interests. He is on benefits, how does he sign on, does he have to scribe his name into bedrock. Also when your at the benefits office they try to match you with the job that you want to do. Alright for Abu , Woman at the benefits office, NO results for hate preacher. Abu would be saying love this country!. "Don't even have to fill in the job report"


Madonna or MAJ, or is that RAJ. Has just released a new perfume called Truth or Dare, where did she come up with the concept. I'm thinking the 80s. OK Truth Maj?, Maj would be like don't  go and see any of my films there shite. OK Dare. Sleep with Sean Penn. Nah your OK. She doe's not show her hands when being photographed for the mass of veins. To hell with her hands, look at her arms. She has veins that huge. I thought they were AA road maps.


Did you hear of the Kangaroo that swam off the animal park. to swim for freedom. Then came back for his friend. What a wallaby. It's not the first time that the Wallaby has made a break for it. You think the gamekeeper that was Australian would of heard of Tie my Kangaroo down sport.


Emma Watson was in the paper for sporting a tattoo. Some people think she is hot. She looks about 12 years old. Wannabe padeo's I guess. I feel the Harry Potter crew, will go the way of the Dodo. Her new film is called Bling Ring. After reading reports and seeing the cast. It will be painful to sit through this. It should be called the aptly Ring Sting.




See you next week xxx

Peter's Blog Thursday April 12th

Another week another rant. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Love writing it, So for anyone that is not reading it, just delete it... Love you all peter x x

• I'm feeling absolutely amazing, I can't describe how I am feeling. I could kiss a cat, stroke a dog (not in that way ), catch a fish, hug people,. OR smile more, eat a Chinese and not feel guilty!. Sign up for a Charity.  Feeling epic, just like Brian from Moneysupermarket.com           aye FUC* OFF!  

• Man VS Food, food always wins. Premise of this show is fat American gets fatter. that's about it!. Strange thing about this show is that everyone encourages him to eat. God knows what his doctor must say, he usually there egging him on. That's right he is cooking another egg to throw on the pile of food. He lost that many battles, that next season people will be jeering instead of cheering. 

• Most pointless job in the world.  Draw master on the National Lottery, they basically stand with a clipboard and do nothing, any health and safety person at your work then. Watching tons of balls being slapped about in a massive clear orb. Anyone that cannot picture that. Just watch Queer as Folk box set. There are so many draws on the National Lottery, it's like watching Falkirk and Dundee and Hibs at home. Dale Winton is so fat. Do you think he played Supermarket Sweep and then just ate the contents, including the bouncy banana bonus!.  I know dale loves meat, surely it's not that fattening?. 

• Oily Murs, don't get me started!. No personality but cheeky, can half sing and he can present. (What he can read words from a proctoractor). Wow what a genius and he's young which = total c*nt . This is another one from the Simon Cowell factory. Sometimes the Devil can take many forms and alter images, to re invent himself.  The devil  has survived for thousands of years...   Pirates he produced a jaunty song, pirates bought then plundered, and murdered people. Created Black Lace, no people were not killed, however thousands of souls lost, has now become Simon Cowell and taken control of the charts, warped all young minds for his assault on the world, you have been warned!.  

• Titanic, 100 years on. Film released again. No-one seems to like this film?. However it was one of the biggest selling films of all time. So just admit you have watched it.  Without Titanic you would not have Leorando Dicaprio in Gangs of New York and the Departed. Di Capro is now as widley know as Iceberg dead ahead and Winslett is as famous as that guy you know from Big Borther Season 3, he had that thing with the blond hair woman, oh never mind!. 

• Dappy chiich chagi bang bang. Is not happy, he's trying to write a album, but spells it ablum. Could be there for a while. He is a gangster as one of his song's suggests. He's misunderstood. Well stop speaking in bloody slang. TIT!.  Gangster seen a bigger gangster on Bugsy Malone. Dappy could not perform a drive thru never mind a drive by. He would be like at McDonald's, can get IIIII Chickenn Royale ,,, dog!!!. 

• Watched Shrek, other night and have to say. It's not that good. There is not enough of the King and Eddie Murphy is as annoying as Louis Spence on Coke, at a party, TV. Fuc* it anything!!!. Shrek is suppose to be a Scottish accent. However not sure where Mike Myers was staying to pick up a accent as bad as that, maybe Dundee.

• Jordan AKA Katie Price is right, I'll sell you my marriage, child birth and death. Has lost her show on UK living. That's because people have a choice on Sky. People choose not to watch. I heard that Katie Price is a big lover of Polo. When she first asked to play it, she went into the shops bought a packet and consumed them, saying what have I won. Which some TV producer laughed so much and said a show on ITV 2. 

• Lastly the hooker Jenny Thomson that has bedded every footballer,  now sleeps with dwarf's. So let's see you have Sleepy (Peter Coruch), Randy (Wayne Ronney), Bashful (Any cun*), womaniser  (John Terry), Shit in Bed (Ashley Cole), Rent boy (David Becham) Wife beater (any of the back four of the England team after a night out!!!) 

Anyway I'm spent see you all next week xx 

MISC April 4th to 7th Sn

• Hi all and thanks for all the support and love, also for taking the time to read my Blog. Also a big thanks to people that have seen me on a stage recently and appreciated what I have to offer to stand up.

• Channel 5, no not the perfume. The terrestrial station. Has Cowboy Traders with Dominic Littlewood and Melinda Messenger (former page 3 girl, no she is not now on page 5). They go and investigate all the dodgers (Nick Clegg, no sadly not)  in the UK armed with there bag of onions. As they both need human tears for this show to work. The best bit is when they go and find free stuff, for example. If they need a venue or chairs, beds. Page 3 girl, will work her magic and get either for free, or discounted. So does that mean we can all just jump into a furniture store and plead that our big day is hooped from a rouge trader. The shop owner would say, wait a minute I don't remember you being on the third page of a national newspaper, or you have not a camera crew, so piss off. 

• Watched kids that think there a vampire. Kids that run around cutting themselves and drinking there blood. Total muppets, infact Count on Seasme Street is a bigger vampire than any of  these socially inept retards. Each to there own I guess. The best bit was when one of them said that we are vampires. However were not like Hollywood vampires, we sleep in our own beds, Well least these make shift vampires get there own beds instead of coffins..... bloody coffin dodgers 

• Watched the mental storage hunters. Series on Dave, what not Top Gear. No they do have other programmes. A ex boxer goes around and buys tat, from lock ups. Think Bargin Hunt with balls. There was a fight on it, when two rivals clashed. Imagine that on Bargin Hunt the Red Team punching f*ck out of the Blue Team over a silver spoon set. There was a guy from Iraq, did two tours and they were haggling over Yankees baseball memorabilia. However he supported Boston Redsox. Just think Celtic and Rangers and he said this. There are two things I will never touch in my life Nazi Pamperphillia and Yankee memorabilia.......... Good to see Uncle Sam is still producing moral citizens. 

• Ever noticed Ramsden Gold employee's all look like they should be playing on line bingo, on plenty of fish or should be a receptionist for a debt companies. 

• Funny how McDonald's, is the main sponsor of the Olympic Games. The fattest food that you can have. I mean even a bulimic could not hold down there produce. Why would McDonalds be promoting sports, bit backwards, like Jack the Ripper promoting prostitution. As in this country we are more senstive about our weight. Have you been to a McDonalds. People look down  at you going into there, almost as humiliating as walking  into a Cash Converters.. No I have not been in there, since I came off the Meth and stopped robbing houses. 

• George Galloway is re elected in Bradford.  Politics is seen as that pis* in England, that they have elected a total arse wipe, See how cheesy he was on that open top bus, really showing why he has the last name of Galloway, (name of a cheese). He looked like the cat that got the cream. Yes George UK wont forget of your big brother pussy stint. 

• Snowfall in England and it's total chaos. Snowfall in Scotland and we just put on another jacket, maybe wear some sensible footwear for that day. England has gridlock and power cuts and total panic. Why do they treat snow like the end of the world. When they see snow, they all envisage the 4 horsemen of the accoplylse and the end of the world. Do you think there are nutters standing on the street with signs saying the "End of the world is upon us, expected snow showers"! 

• The big fuel crisis was upon us, where you going, no were fine, there is fuel. Thought you were about to rush out and buy some fuel. We love panic buying. Car's being overfilled and people on fire. There has not been this much panic buying since the Romans foreseen a shortage in crucifixes. 

• Neil Lennon was targeted by the terrorists of Wallace and Gromit, two dunderheids. Now I know it's not a nice story!. However these two dunderhieds, went in plain clothed to Staples and bought thousands of staples. Now I'm no FBI agent or even MI5. However even the largest of offices go through 40 staples a week. However staff at Staples, Just said that's a lot of staples, lots of binding to do. However why did they not cover there tracks. Not like Taliban go into B and Q for 40, 000 gallons of kerosene. Also supposedly if you buy a pirate DVD, we fund terrirsiom, Taliban Eric "hey keep copying Legally Blonde another 400 of these and we will have another war missile". "I'm copying but do you not think that we should be copying HUGO", No you infidel, the copies are not so good" "No one will buy them" 

• Duke and Duchess have been made into wax at Maddame Tussards. So now they get even more on my wick than ever, boom boom. I cant stand these two. However newsreaders love them, every time they say there name they have a multiple orgasm's. Could you imagine them in bed, "oh was that good for you honey", "It was OK", "why you smiling so much then". "Oh just thinking of that Wills and Kate story that I covered today" 

• Lastly the Apprentice is back on our screens, no not a bumbling, tenneager missing  a day , spotty fumbling kid, that gets more bullied on a work yard than a goth in American school.The show on  BBC 1.  Everyone sucks up to sugar like there all effing bee's around the honey pot. Boardroom just over inflated ego's arguing with each other for 10 minutes. " I was not born with a silver spoon, I have a degree, Sugar    " It's whoever can suck enough of Sugar's Cock" that's who will get the job, as 11 candaites looking for one Job that job being a blow job. 

• See you next week xxx

BLOG March 24-29

Hello and welcome to the mad, week, month that is March. Soon onto Aprils fool. Watch out for left handed mars bars!.

• Jeremey Clarkson is in the news slagging metrosexuals, yes men that look after themselves. OR is it the mere thought of the word Metro (really old car). Clarkson states men should be men. Wait il'l get my stag horns, we can tussle on the lawn, knowing Jeremy. He probably shoots stags. Clarkson being men of men. Still gets thrills with playing with cars and blowing things up. Most men grow out of that when they stop coming home with grass stains on there knees. What a tit!. Oh and if you would like the right to complain to Clarkson, you will find him at his mate DAVE. As doe;s a bear shit in the woods, Does Andy Gray like Super Sundays, Doe's the Spar/Nisa/Co-op like a queue, Does Dave like Top Gear.  
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• On the pages of the press this morning is Grodon Ramsay and his LEEKed sex tape. Was it in the Kitchen, When his wife found out, she went mad, screaming divorce. That would be a hot potato if his wife found out. His goose would of been well and truly cooked. He swears more times than Eddie Murphy, when he was shagging MEL B. I'm on about the morning, What the FUc* was I doing, Fuc*, Fuc* , Fuc*, why MEL B. Mr Ramsay having sex would be more foul language than would be found in a Adult Channel 1am commercial. Everyone seems to releasing sex tapes, it's not taboo anymore. They only tape that I want to hear about celebs is  gaffa tape. 

• Justin Bieber is in hot water, should be a cauldron after he has been desiccated,. He thought it would be funny to tell everyone to call this number. However he forgot to check if people acutally had this number. And we all know Americana's favourite girls name is SUE. Bieber ye wee scamp,  what next a botched pregnancy. Did you know in 2010 that he was almost arrested for  hitting a policeman with a water bomb. If only he did and then we could of got a re- enactment of Rodney King, We can live and hope 

• You can now bet on Wrestlemania at the Ladbrokes....... I think betting shops are the con of man and let's not be Jermey clarkson IE sexist con of women. I think the clue is in the title. LAD BROKE.. As I know a few gamblers. No I'm not on about the guys that go bareback in Thailand. I mean people that have lost lots of money. I bet the guy in the gay spandex wins, if not the big guy with baby oil and steroids. 

• Frankie from the Saturdays is depressed.... For anyone that doe's not know the Saturdays. It's a girl group that is not as good or as popular as Girls Aloud. But god there triers. They release a single, more times that I lose a flipping sock. i.e every other week. There almost as desperate as Step's. Least they could dance. Now let me see if I can remember there names there was Scott. Lisa, , Claire and H, No not rimmer from Red Dwarf, mind you he was gay so you could call him rimmer). ..... Now let's take time to feel sorry for Frankie as she is depressed. How can we cheer her up, find her a man, buy her a cake. No it's OK, she dosent' need any of that. She has just appeared on the front page of Glamour and has another sexy shoot in Zoo. Oh well maybe people that are depressed don't need any anti depressants, we just need a cover shoot. Go Figure 

• Tax has went through the roof, now the government have decided to tax, pies, and sausage rolls. Yes that's right give the oil company's some tax relief and tax all bugger else. Who ate all the pies, Who ate all the pies, you fat bastard with the higher based salary, you ate all the pies.

• Lately the biggest event of the world is about to kick off, no not the execution of the Spice Girls. The Olympics. London has been gearing up for them, since Lord Cole got his hole, Let's face that how he got them, he shagged some delegate.Personally I'm not really looking forward to them. Eussain Bolt, will be the big draw, however if you drop your tax ridden sausage roll , by the time you have picked it up that will be over. Unless you can pick it up in around 9.58 seconds, event over. 
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• We do have the swimming which will be comical, as if the droughts go on. Looks like there will be a water ban. Although to be honest it would be funny to watch a dry pool swim. Without sounding to hack, Do you think Micheal Barrymore would of wished for a drought, March 2001! Then we have Also I bought a wispa gold the other day and it said keep Team GB pumped, yeah I would pump most of them. Apart from the long distance runners that have a chest like a table. I would not know to feel her top half. Or to just rest my dinner up there. 

See you again next week 

For all things newsworthy

Have a lovely Week 

I wouldn't but Pete Wood x 

This weeks blog xxxx

Good week to you all and thanks for stopping by.......   Please feel free to comment on my blog. Enjoy Lot's of love Peter.  

• Tulisa Constovials, constatine I'll have a constant please carol, the girl from the x-factor has a new man. She was rumoured to be sleeping with Mark Wright from TOWIE fame?. However Tulisa tweeted, Why am I suppose to be banging every man I meet. I have not shagged Mark Wright, (what a treasure). I mean all this mud slinging from the press, she not got enough N Dubz. 
• Cheryl Cole is making a come back. with her new album in the can, in the bin more like. It is rumoured that she will have a chat show for the BBC, for a reported, 75,000 salary, they should devote some of that money to subtitles, as trying to make out what Cheryl is saying is like trying to decipher what Sly Stalone says after a bottle of vodka.She was also out living it up in swanky London. She tweeted, Should I leave my bag with a sobna friend....... imagine calling your mum a bag. 
• Kerry Coketona was on This Morning, trying on a Big Fat Gypsy (if the shoe fit's) wedding dress. She told Philip and Holly. My main concern with this dress is going to the toilet. Wow Kerry, even when she has a wedding she is still concerned with how much people you can fit into the cubicle to snort coke. 
• Bought a car from Cheap as Chips, David Dickson, within a week the head gasket blew, Dicksons Raw Deal. 
• Russel Bland, throws I phone through a window in America. In his defence he made a quip about the I-phones inventor Steve Jopps and making a tribute to his memory. What a cheap shot at Apple's creator, struck me right to the core. Russel Brand is still trying to get over his divorce to Katy Perry, aww did it blow ,  hot and cold. 
• One Direction have conquered the States, There album is set to be number 1, if they have a number one, in the American charts, they would of succeeded the Beatles. Showing that how shit the charts are!. The Beatles were around 60 years. One direction 6 minutes............ 15,000 fans turned up to see them. However no child catcher, grrrrrr 
• Doctor Who, who you ask well  Matt Smith that's who,  is smitten with, Karren Gillian they have been spotted in hugs and kisses and even sharing a cheeky burger king. You got it your way at BK you got it. Good to see it's not just me that take's my dates to Burger King. Karen Gillina doe's like a wee drinky poos. infact Karen Gillan got so hammered that she ended up in a corridor , crying and naked. Wonder if she was singing Total Eclispe of the Heart, all the women I used to know used to sing that when they were drunk. 
• JLO, or Supercun* of a Cun*. Has a body double of a man, doe's the body double pull the same Diva fit's as that cun*, probably. She had her boyfreind, soon to be husband number 124. Pop doughnuts into her mouth, as she could not get any sugar on her popstar fingers. I mean god forbid, worlds MVP (most vaulable player) would get sugar on her. I mean talk about one hand feed the other, in her case, just a get a guy that is half your age and wollah. 
• Cher Llyod, Cheryl Cole clone, almost identical, apart from I can understand Cher Llyods accent. Is not a happy puppy, she just moved into her million pound house. As soon as she moved her parents have turned her room into a dinning room. Hmmmm, I think they must believe that she is going to be in her opinion the next Madonna. I don't think they realise how shit she really is, Mr and Mrs Llyod. Don't go renovation just yet, she could be back any minute. 
• Jessica Simpson has fairly put on the beef. Yes I know she is preggers. However that's not a bun in the oven that's the whole bakery and then some. She must be eating like a Susan Boyle (pig) 
• Danielle Llyod woke up in a pool of blood, why be swimming in a pool of blood. No her implants had burst, yes that's right her boobs were not real, not any of them. They looked real to me. No the fun bags were not. She says and I quote that I feel like a 12 year old boy, Now Danielle Paedophilia is not the way to go 
• Jordan AKA Katie the price is right, I'll deal for that story. Has been warned by a Surgeon that she cannot carry on having fillers for her lips, or they will go rock hard. She looked like a duck, she is a duck, Let's look at the facts, She puts her head down for periods of time, She can't get enough of bread ie. money. And she is effing quackers. 
• Jenifer Anstion  (Black Widow). Has been in and out of love, more times than the whole cast and crew of sex and the city. She meets a man, has a few dates, then it's all hooped. What is this woman doing wrong. I think she is clique. I mean people like there cuddles and stuff. But I think she is the sort of a woman that you take home and say. Your in bed and next thing you know. I would do a 3some to keep you happy, or Hey Jen you got kids, Nope I have never been blessed.......... Cya Jenifer , x Or as Ross Geller would say Oh Boy. 
• Britney Spears, yes mother of the year 2012. Says that her hair is so damaged that it just falls out in clumps. Maybe you should go and speak to your hairdresser. No wait that's you.... Infact just leave it to grow, you Nut job. Ever think in 5 years Britney will be the new Cascada (happy hardcore chick)  
• Jessie J is about to start her new career in the BBC flagship show. The Voice, she is reported to be earning a six figure figure after she refused a five figure, as for Jessie J, it's not about the money, money ,money. For anyone that doesn't know about the premise of the voice. Basically there are 4 judges and they pick the singers based on there voice. So after they have been selected, it's just a singing show. Yes think fame academy but without Nigel Lightow and some big red chairs, so bollocks then, to right 
• GILF NOT, Madonna, has cut her arms, and sadly not her throat. From rehersals. Madge as she likes to be called should be slowing down. Instead of jumping around like a mum that has got pissed at the bingo and got a St Andrews cross win. She even posted the photos of her cut lip, saying ow and oh, here's one you missed Madge, Whhhoo give's a fuc* 
• Posh Spice or VB, has been helping Eva Lonoria's man hunt. As Eva would like to date another sportsman. So has called on BFF, to help her snare a man. VB to Eva, just get a man that kicks a ball, ask's no questions and is dumb as dogshit, Eva but you already have David Beckham. 
• Lastly Britain has more fuckin* reatards from the glue factory. No I'm no on it this year. Yes it's that time of the year, when Simon needs a new chin, Aleshia needs more money, Wallams need more excuses to be not funny and Amanda needs new cheek bones. Britain has got talent, however we would rather show, a man with a very big beard, a jumping dog and someone that can consume 10 or more jaffa cakes up his arse 

See you Soon 


Love 


From 


Peter Wood 

As you can see there is not a blogger everyday. This is not down to the fact that I cannot be arsed. It's down to the fact that the news if written about every day , moves very slowly.  You would not think that would be true. However I can assure it is. I did 3 gigs last week, one of them hosting and loved every minute on stage, even though gig number 3 at the Blue Lamp. I was very nervous. If I can just conquer this I could be really good. I have lisitend to some great adivice from Rik Molland and Gus Lynburm and I am trying to put that into practice. I have a lot of gigs coming up. As for the news , Cheryl Cole is getting someone else to write her songs for her, and she will take all the plaudits, I love that, that's like me stealing a joke and someone else taking it and saying cheers bud.

Bonus Blog

Thanks for taking the time to read the blog. I know that Whitney Houston is in there again, I can only write what the news gives me. Anyway as a way of thank you to everyone. I have decided to do another blog today. As I'm having this weekend off. What you mean yeahhhh, Ill be back on Monday.   Gerald Butler is going into rehab in America, now he's one of the A-List actors. As every actor in Hollywood needs to have rehab to truly have made it, so much for Law Abiding Citizen!. Although no matter if he punched his wife, and pissed all over her couch on a night of drinking. All the women would still do him!. I watched 300 the other night, it's a bit homo erotic, so I thought I'm not being caught watching this and put on Top Gun instead. Cher is coming back out of retirement and going back on the road. That's right the woman that sang IF you could turn back time. More plastic on her than can found on barbie. Probably less of a plastic ming* on barbie than Cher has. If Cher  is making a come back. "God shoot me now".  Russel Bland (Brand) . Has been seen giving yoga to a second girl, in what resembles a homeless costume. I heard that Russel Brand kept a page 3 model up all night, not with sex, she had to guess her last name. OK I heard it was sex, I would feel sorry for her if it was his material,     see you Monday xx 

Friday 24th of January xx

Another day in the fast lane. After losing my car I have had to take the bus. My god it is truly awful, especially the night bus. The driver's are on a go fucki*g slow. I want to go up and say I know you don't have a life, but I do. Step on the gas pedal you kno*. Then you have the courteous, "thanks driver". Who started this should be shot!. Half our country doe's not celebrate our troops in Iraq and Afghanstan. However were quick enough to say "thanks driver", "you the man driver". I sometimes say it, sometimes don't. However when everyone else is getting off the bus and saying it and you don't. You can feel the passengers thinking what a argoant wee shite. I can feel there breath of disapproval on my neck.Why should I be treated as a leper cause I never thanked a bus driver. I tell you what il'l go into all the wards at the hospital and thank the nurses then ill stop past the child line centre and thank all the call workers, then I will stop past the police station and , come on now that won't be happening not in my lifetime  In the news Grave Robbers, no not (Calrista Flockhart and Cathrine Zeta Jones) but at the coffin of  Whitney Houston as she was buried with over 300,000 pounds worth of gold, oh well least she will have another a rush in heaven a gold rush!. Could you imagine if someone boosted the coffin.. That would be one of the funniest things you would ever see, a coffin being carried into cash for gold. Lastly something to cheer us all up, British Gas have slumped in 30% profits, ha ha ha ha ha ha ah cause of the mild winter there off the boil, fu** em !

News reporter dies?

Well the biggest news story today is the journalist Marie Colvin was killed. That's right killed in a WAR torn country what's the chances of that happening?. Now supposedly there is going to be a cease fire for one reporter. It takes one Guardian reporter to cause this. However the death toll is in it's thousands. Mind boggles. I had to laugh when I seen the advert for the Sun newspaper is about to be published on a Sunday. That's right a Sunday, Rupert Murdoch owns both news corporations. . So to be blunt they have just got rid of the News of the World and replaced it with the Sun. Celebrites that were doing coke on a saturday night, having affairs and mudering people, will have to avert from the Saturday shenagiings and do it earler in the week. Cause the News of the World, ahem the Sun will report you. So technically apart from pay offs to certain celebrities and non entities, all they have done is change the name of the paper. Yes that's right, mind boggles again. Not one of my hero's pers'ee however a comic in his own right died Frank Carson. One of his memorable jokes "Didn't see you at camouflage practise today"!. Long live the Frank! Lastly due to the success of the Artist (film) Jack Russel's are in big demand. Idiot's are buying dog's cause there cute in the film. I liked Jaws does not mean I want to go and purchase a Great White Shark, knob*     see you tomorrow xx

Wednesday 22nd of Feb , Mr Sheen and Justin Bieber ?

Wednesday 22nd of Feb.              Pretty lethargic today to be honest, just done my training. I know what your thinking, sculpting the guns, lots of cardio. Nope a clubland DVD that I bought that I have been training to for the past 3 months. Trying to sculpt the six pack, it's forming I can see it and feel it. So looking forward to that.. However will not be walking about with my top off, like half the nutters when there is a spot of sun. I used to do that 5 years ago, without the can of beer in the hand!. Breaking news Charlie Sheen, is going to back on our TV screens, yes that's right you can't keep a good coke head down. Is the TV show about the discovery of human tiger blood. No he plays a ex-baseball player that becomes a shrink. So cue lots of half naked girls, references to Scotch and the half slacks will be back. Hopefully it will be funny unlike two and a half men. Emma Watson (hermione Granger from the Harry potter) is happy at just relaxing and taking time off from shooting movies. Yeah like fu** Emma Watson is sitting at the phone like a girl from babestation, come on ring ya bastar**, baby needs a pair of new shoes or a film. Justin Bieber (brat) is about to publish his personal photo book, there is one with him punching his minder, and the other one is him shoving into a girl's belly button and shouting bingo. The baby sham, Justin Bieber thought his penis was a pube until he pished out of it. Also it's a wonder the child didn't come out black, as his minders do everything else for him. He's the sort of child that has everything and still say's i'm bored. Fuckin* wee pric*

Brit Awards , more like Shi* Awards

Hello guys and dolls. Ding Dong. News   Gigs (ryan) lifts gag off of Imogen, is that ball and gag. No it means that she can talk to the press. Hmm has she not been doing that anyway!. I had that Imogen Thomas back at a party at my flat, she had to much to drink and trashed the place, she is banned bloody home wrecker. In other news it was the Brit's last night, yes the British Musical Calender of the year, basically when over inflated ego's give themselves another pat on the back for another great marketing year. As hardly any of the artist's write there own tracks. Blur were nominated for life time achievement award, life time achievement, showing that Oasis front man Noel Gallagher must of been lying when he said that Damon Albarn had aids. The big story of the Brits is that Adelle flipped her middle finger, as James Corden rushed her on for taking to long, The true story is that she heard that the buffet cart was closing.  Read all about it alien spacecraft seen hovering over New Mexico. I have just watched the footage and I don't think that I'm about to meet a alien, however maybe they have been here for years , as Katie Holmes could be one. Let's look at the fact's she stays with a SCIENtiologist, she never gets to leave the house, like roger the alien from American Dad. She has weird alien eye's. Also she eats her young. Well I have never seen her child since it's birth. Oh and she is a bitch, like from the film alien not  sigourney weaver , the alien. 

Get a load of this x

Well after my day off. I'm ready to blog again. Bad news for me today, the car is gone. After constant payments for a blown exhaust and a burst radiator and wheel's needing to be balanced. I have decided to put it out it's misery and now old Betsy will be joining the likes of Besty elite, Samantha and Escort Mark II (names of my car's). It will be crushed and sold for scrap. In the scheme of things, probably what they will be doing with Joe Mcelderey career. In other news Take that singer Gary Barlow has just come a dad again, that mean's he will be cleaning up sick and changing nappies and feeding, and that's just for Robbie Williams. Singer Adelle has been back in the news with the cyber bullying. I mean the fat jokes are appalling , but one that caught my eye. was that Adelle stated that Brit school kept her from having kids. Some bloke wrote no the fact that you were fat and ginger did that. Now that's funny , cruel but funny. Also in the news is that were making Gypsies steal, yes that's right cause we take them out at night hand them a set of bolt cutters and tell them if they don't steal that bike there not a real Gypsy, but a imposter!. One Gypsy said that being  a Gypsy I have to hate the police. Well if that's the case I must be a Gypsy, I'll ask my mam if I we were constantly moved on from the council. Lastly get your eggs quick for egging your teachers house as there is supposedly a pancake rush. Not that kind of rush, mind you with teenagers snorting plant feeder wonder there not rushing out to get there next fix of a pancake rush. If you could get such a rush would the quip I'm off to powder my nose, would be I'm off to flower my nose. Till the morn peeps xx

Sunday, and yep you guessed it there is fuck all on TV and yes that's right I have Sky!. I mean why do I pay for it?. Whitney Houston funeral has died and Daily Star  lead with Whitney Houston had her drug dealer pretending to be a autograph hunter to sell her cocaine. Strange, that. So to fool the DEA in America, just pretend your a autograph hunter.  The biggest news story of the day is the video that was released with the two boxers having a fight, David Haye and Chisora. The funny thing was that David Haye was trying to bate Kiltichso. Then Chisora decided that he would approach Haye and square up to him, think home and away fight scence. The thing that puzzled me, not a scratch of any of the boxers the trainer is bleeding (ROcky 3). Then Chisora shouts out you bottled me Haye. No you bottled it against Klitischo. The police have put out a description for the boxer David Haye, as they cant find him anywhere. They are even thinking of staging a fake fight and asking people to come in barefooted so they can check for a broken toe. See ya tomorrow x 

Lost Plans?

What's on the news agenda today, terrorists of course it seems to be the Vogue with the news stations. Were getting worse with our terror alert. Bombs this and bombs that. Soon people will be scared to say see that guy he's the Bomb, for fear of a van screeching and taking him away as a terror suspect.  In the news today some titjob form Hartlepool, downloaded a nuclear plant power stations weakness and left it on a USB stick in India. Of course if he left it say in Portugal. It would be less of a threat, but cause it's India. Were on Terror alert defcon 4. Seem's a little racist to me, but that's the Sun newspaper for you!.  I think a lot of people that find the USB stick will be like, wow it's Hartlepool's power plant. Where the fuc* is Hartleppol. No they will be  thinking , cool a extra USB stick. I'll download a movie on this!. I mean it's hardly the blueprint to the Death Star. Maybe in Star Wars that's what happened. Some stormtrooper called Eric, head of Death star safety, went to the toilet and lost the plans to the battlestation. Then he thought  "shi* i've lost the plans to the battlestation". "Oh well it's not like it's going to land into the rebels hand". "Plus they think this place is a moon"!. |Then when the rebels are attacking, the death star. Stromtrooper Eric, is like "shit, I'm going to have to go to a empire tribunal, over this". "Could lose my job over this fuc* up".  "I Could be demoted to Endor, filling tax bills for the Empreor. Great wont able to afford the Tie fighter. What am I going to tell the wife!. 


Also in the news is that the military have decided to slash their budget's. By a whopping 14%. The Taliban are absolutely delighted at this news. As they have been buying from us and the Americans for far to long. They thought the sale would come sooner. The UK and American governments say that they want to award there customers for being so faithful to them!. They would also like to thank the Taliban for there contribution to there sales of weapons in the middle east. One Taliban spokesman says's "that this is great news from the West", he knew if the Taliban showed faith in the consumer, they would benefit overall    See you Monday                      PEACE OUT x 

Kindling?

Well, Well, Well, Is where water is stored. Anyway "howdy partners". Biggest news story of the year has to be that Towie Stars?are under attack!. In a separate attack one of them was attacked in a nightclub instead of GBH it could be a GHD moment. Second attack was on there hair salon. It was firebombed, now i'm no Columbo, however it would not surprise me that it was not one of them. I mean these fame hungry cow's would do anything for some publicity!. Another theory is that they were to stupid to figure out what a on/off switch means. Supermum Victoria Beckham (VB) , be peter if she was called Victoria Deckham, as then she would be (VD). Who decides that she is a supermum, cause she has a nanny looking after the kids. Surely a supermum would be a mum that takes the time to look after there kids on a limited budget and keeps the kids from turning into menaces, or at least tries to. That's a supermum, not a egotistical workshy , pounting  cun*. Kindles are coming down in price. Ah the kindles, the pad that is a book, that is a pad that is not a book but is a book. Hmmm small problem with a kindle, there nothing like a book!. First off there battery powered. You can't swat a fly with them for fear of braking the screen. Also if your out of bog paper you can't take it into the toilet and rip a couple of pages off. So there nothing like a book. Plus looking into a pad would cause more strain to the eyes than a book ever could. So you purchase a kindle, and then you have to pay money for the e- books, that you want to read. What a offer. Bill Gates would be proud of this marketing strategy. As basically he has been reeming humans for many years, with his pentium processors, 4, 5,, 7.8 ,Infact it was not until Bill Conman Gates got his hands on Microsoft that electronics even dealt in decimals. Bill Gates king of ballbags!!! . 

Greecy Sponge

Hello all, just munching into a packet of Salt n Vinegar crisps, McCoy's to be infact. Only thing is have to wipe your fingers every two minute's to type on the Keyboard. Almost as messy as a orange. I hate orange's and that not a dig at Protestants or Rangers FC. Who now have the theme tune to the beetles. The taxman taking all my dough.Euro news = Greece is pretty much stuffed. It has been asking for more financial help than half of the resident's at Onthank Scheme. Wonder they don't do a fly on the documentary called the Greecy Scheme on BBC 1. Could you imagine what that would be like. Here we have Marvrin the politician, he has just been down the Eurocenter (jobcenter) for a crisis loan. He has to await for his decision. Later in the afternoon, Marvrin has had a call from the Eurocenter(jobcenter) to say that he has been successful, he's over the moon, could not be happier cries the politician and now he's off to collect the money and then for a visit to Farm foods.  I'm not far wrong off that. I did a gig last night at Breakneck Comedy. Went well, raised the energy as noticed from my recent gigs that there was control and timing. However when you strive for this you lose your energy on stage. It was a good night overall and enjoyed it. In local news is that a nightclub in Aberdeen is promoting having sex with strangers on their fliers, The Aberdeen University student society, slammed the fliers. Mind you there is not much chance of that happening with half of them. They would still not score in a bucketful of fannies 

Good morning and I really mean that. That is two days in a row that I have been up at 8am. As a man I have to go through the mundane, brush, shit and shave. Every second morning it's out with the bloody razor to shave off the stubble. I get so sick of this ritual, ah gone are the days that I had bum fluff. Or a top lip tache that would emulate my sister. (She will kill me for writing that)!. What's happening in the news today, same as yesterday. The fundamentalist is being banned from the school run. Wonder what he will do all day with his spare time. I wonder if fundamentalists play Bomberman all day on the old Super Nintendo?. Surely they must do!. I didn't lay bombs in real life, but loved playing Bomberman. I would imagine that would be one of there past times. SCENE, "Ah Abdul look at you laying the bomb in the corner", "ya divvy!". "Yes Abdul you lay it as bad as a western would" "Oh shut, up your puttting me off"  In other news  Jamie pucker, pookah , Oliver, has found a million while shifiting stuff, yes that's right 1 million pounds. I think all of us should have a extra look down the back of the sofa and move the living room about. I never found a million pounds worth of weaponry. However I did find half a chocolate digestive, a sock and a writing pen. To end on a Art Attack quote "Try it yourself, change around your house to see what you can find!. And I will see you next time xx 

Houston and Blah

Hello, the weekend has been and gone and it's back to the blog. I always find it tough to write on the Monday. No idea why. It's like I have had the school summer holidays as a youngster and back at school and forgotten how to hold a pen. Strange how I never forgot  how to get into mischief!. I think my teachers were thinking the same!. I was at the dentist today, getting a filling and lovely injection. I don't mind the needle it's the numbness of your lip, not bad when it's like that when your high on cocaine eh Whitney Houston, but a pain in the backside when there is no high. Plus you have a top lip that would make Clint Eastwood proud, although there are only so many times where you can say do you feel lucky punk, well do ya. As referenced before Whitney Houston died at the weekend and the jokes were flying thick and fast. Here is my homemade one. I heard that Whitney Houston is making a sequel to the Bodyguard it's called Body bag. Is it a shame that she died, well she did have a weekend binge and then had a lie down in  the bath. See if she was skint, or living in a deprived home your lucky to get your head under the water, let alone get your feet wet. The other story in the news is that Rangers Football Club is about to go into administration, could you imagine it was Celtic, instead of "youll never walk alone". It would be "youll never get a loan".....    Till the morn guys and dolls,  Oh and special mention to Bizz and Emma Smart for saying that they enjoy my Blog xx 

Spinning the news x

Last night I was down in Edinburgh doing @ the Shack Comedy club. It should of went better, but ended up speaking about my peppercorn sauce rash, which is really getting on my tit's, literally. Learnt a lot but need to lose the self awarness and have more fun. Coming home from the Shack, I thought I was in a epilouge of Evil Dead. I could not see anything. I thought it was a foghorn that I heard. But then I realised it was the Dundee accent!.
      My car broke down and I was lay by at the garage. Asked the guy at the garage if he had any coolant, he spent 10 minutes looking for it, come back and said "No we don't have any coolant". Then this guy helps me with the car says you need coolant. Asks the garage attendant if he has Antifreeze, guy said yeah we do. I was like that is bloody coolant, as everyone knows antifreeze is coolant!!!, Apart from a man that works in the garage and people say there is not enough irony in this world. Just as well I never asked him for a double decker (choc bar), he would of come back with a bus. 
   Macaulay Culkin is looking gaunt and unwell, like he has been stung by a bee if anyone remembers and dies's in my girl. If only he was allergic to bee stings, I would planting  a big plot of sunflowers at Makuly CUlkins garden. Funny how is he now detorationg quicker than Scotland's Six Nations hopes.  Micheal Jackson and Mackuly Culkkin became good friends, MJ, couldn't wait to introduce himself when he found out a minor was home alone. 
    In other news Lady Ga Ga, goes topless for her promo for her new tour. She plans to tour the whole of the US, with a stop in a state called Tennesee. Once she has arrived it will be called Pennisesee. Which people will be saying yeah I did and it was gross. 

Unwell , glum face

Oh well not feeling to great today, and yesterday as I ate some peppercorn sauce and have a nettles rash all over me. For fu** sake. However over the worst of it now. But skin is burning badly. Have to go to a gig in Edinburgh as I'm a gig whore. In fact when it comes to gigging, it's like I just open my mouth and take it. I mean gigs obviously. Fabio Capello is sacked from the FA and of course Harry Rednapp is in line to take the job he just needs to transfer his money into a offhsore account and out some of the revenue under his dog's name. In other news the classy paper the Sun, is creating a campiagn to kick out Abu Quata out of this country, Sun goes with the title help the Sun kick out Abu Quata by signing the petition to hand to the Prime Minster. Oh and guess what, they will even pay his air fare home. Wow the Sun will do all that just for column inches and profit. Yes they will stump up 114.99p for a easy jet fare. Hmmm why if we were kicking out a fundamentalist would we want to delay his flight for several hours. Would we not want him out of the country asap. Seems pretty reckless to put him with easy jet, for instance his luggage will get lost and he will be sitting at a airport with more time to plot. Also the security at Easy Jet are that incompetent that they make the Taxi Marshall's look competent, TWAT*

Snippets of news

Naked Pedalo pair abandon their third Atlantic crossing trip. Had to take a second glance at this title of a news story. Yeah I thought it was Padeo, the news story is not important. Watch out for the Piranhas, yes we have the cougar , older women that want to be with younger men. Now you have the Piranha, any woman that gets into bed with a rich man and becomes pregnant and then lives off there life style. Like most men I have more chance of meeting a Piranha on a voyage on a boat down the Nile, than meeting a real life Piranha as like most men I'm skint. Fashion label, Umbro? have sacked John Terry after the race trial goe's to court, What I was more concerned was that Umbro was seen as a fashion item, Umbro is fashionable as John Terry fragrance, (Prejudice). Yes this is a made up name,  he Doe's not have a fragrance. You could of had Asshole, Cu** etc..  The Sun newspaper is in court for the Leveson Enquiry, for the phone hacking scandal, however the Sun editor boasts that although it can be questioned for the unlawful and inhumane phone hacking it has been there for Cervical Cancer and fought to give Breast Screening. Also brought the country to a stand still with the fuel crisis, supported the war in Iraq, Supported Tony Blair,  and  Supports the Queen. I don't want to be writing to much about the Sun Newspaper as lets face it it's just over hyped shit roll!!. Oh and also supported a man that punched another man that was on fire. Wrote his columns for him. Also tried to get him as a politician into the Scottish Parliament. Yes that's right the Sun did that!!!.  Lastly Denise Welch, has reported a Internet troll, to the police for saying vial things about her, maybe the police should have a look under a bridge, they would of been there before. Not now though as England  introduced toll bridges.    Till the morn xx 

Superbowl , Madonna

Tuesday the 7th of February. Did anyone watch the biggest show on earth. No me neither?. I use to love the Superbowl when I was younger. However that was when there were hardly any adverts. I mean soon as the ball goes in the air and looks like it will be caught, but the player will be sacked. Boom, advert, advert, advert. They have really ruined that sport. Madonna was performing or as I like to call her the incredible sulk, as one she is a total BITCH, and 2, she is built like a HULK, so but them both together and you have the incredible sulk. Queen? Madge, is not happy as a rapper was the focal point and not her. Get a grip. I mean you were performing in front of millions , you are the age to qualify for a AXA, life assurance policy. Can you not just grow up a little!. Kayne West is back in the paper saying that he only drives around with people that wear 100% cotton. Now wait a cotton picking minute. Why have such strange demands. Just because you become famous, doesn't mean that you have to change your whole vision on the world. I mean why could he not be, if your not cool, nice, friendly you don't travel with him. Also why cotton, I mean is that not what slaves had to pick many years ago. Seems a bit of weird one, considering some of his descendants might of been picking cotton. However that is Kayne way out West!. Just to clarify, "That is not a racist quote, just a observation and generally in black America that is what most of African Americans done for a living". xx 

Terry Choc Orange

Gddday, I cant not believe what I woke up to this morning, politician caught speeding, then the downright cheek of Chris Hume thinking he can get away with it. No mate in the words of Alan Bast*rd, I mean Alan Sugar your FIRED!!!. Also in the news the arse wipe of football has been stripped of the England captaincy, again. Shagging your best mates wife, he got away with. Street brawl he got away with. Saying racist comments to other black players. He should be banned for 2 years. He is a total asshole, the biggest prick in football (he wishes). Also in the news well 5 news, so no one was watching it. Was that all 20 premiership's clubs will support coming out if your gay. So far not one player has come out to say there gay. Could you imagine the chants, "Does your boyfriend know your here". I mean it is shocking that we live in 2012 and people are scared to say there sexuality for fear of harassment. Mind you in yob culture, which basically still is living and breathing in the football terraces, why would you!. As I fear that "Does your boyfriend know your here". Would have more swear words and anti gay innuendos than would be said by Graham Norton on a night out. Also Pipa Middleton is in the news as alas she dates some twa* from Hogwarts. No not Daniel Radcliffe, or Voldemort, mind you out of the whole of hogwarts he would at least pump her, as out of 10 years all the wizards do is snog. However in the first book Harry Potter and the Philosphers Stone. Harry is playing with his wand under the duvet(Jk Rowlinginit words not mines!). Speaking of Daniel Radcliffe. Do you think he can shake the shackles of Harry Potter, I don't think he will, He will always be a half muckle to me. I mean I fear that he might end up like Mark Hammil, bleat about how he should be more recognised than the rest of the cast of star wars. Even RD-D2 is more famous and likeable than Mark Hammil and he's played by a midget. Got to love midgets though, people that don't see a midgets for who they are long sighted instead of short sighted   BOOM BOOM xx

Unwildly Prepared and Gwyneth Paltorw

Did a gig last night for the guys at Wildly Unprepared. Improv can be hit and miss. Also the sceptic in me noticed they were younger, so thought here we go lots of inapporpiate swearing, more usage of the word cu** than would be used on me meeting the cast of the Only Way is Essex. However I was shocked at the high standard of comedy and for the fresh approach to comedy that they bring to Aberdeen. Well done guys!. News story today is that Gwyneth Paltrow keeps her husband and marriage happy because of her diet. No Mrs Paltrow as you are both blander than bland, I mean why would you argue with each other. Coldplay instead of going out getting smashed, fuck*ing groupies, trashing hotels. The members of Coldplay go home and go to bed ROCK AND ROLL, (insert rift on gutair,). shhhhh not to loud Chris Martin is trying to sleeep!. Imagine all Gwyneth Friends, OK lets for this example pretend that she has friends. Having Coldplay and Paltorw all in one room, Chris Martin to Gwyneth, pass over the Ryvita honey. Gwyneth to Chris, I think the band have eaten them all. Aww you guys. I told you to go nuts, but come on guys a little respect.! ROCK AND ROLL. Funny if one of the band members went a bit mental that night and ate some APPLE, x 

Tweety pie

Sky called today, at around 2pm to go offer some information. The last few months of the bill. That was it. I could find this information off my bank statement. So next time maybe ring with a offer or don't call at all!. Another day, another celebrity scandal on the twitter Cheryl Cole has fallen out with Harvey, nope I have no idea who is either. Sun newspaper leads with headline "your having a laugh", with no actual evidence from both sides. They take the side of Cheryl, former singer ahem member of Girls Aloud fame, ahem minor status. Good ol Cheryl Cole, a national treasure, cause she won x-factor with her Alexandra Burke, whos went onto to song 2 songs and that's about it!. Mind you did like one of them, bad boys, (no I'm not gay). Where do they have there fall out in a restaurant, in a cafe, in a bar, nope on a social networking site. Yeah what happened to the keep your privacy. Instead of airing your virtual dirty washing. Of course arse made of Teflon  Cheryl Cole, will come out of this squeaky clean. Of course I mean after her troubled time last year with her public humiliation of being axed from the American X-Factor. Not because of her accent, as people in America were like "who"?, "she was in what"?   from Girls Aloud, "sounds like the sign that Charlie Sheen has on his dressing room door". No Cheryl you were sacked cause you were shit. As for the other guy Harvey, Again still don't know even after a rummage through Wikipedia. I thought it was the name of Cheryl's dog, but then of course that is Nicola Roberts. 

Potholes and Burns Unit

Driving in Edinburgh is murder, especially when trying to leave the bloody place. It's like the perfect storm, you go down one road and then another and just when you think your getting out of the place, just like the 50m wave in the film. There is a road work sign, saying Due to unforeseen circumstances, there are roadworks for the next god however. Here's another thing in my native Aberdeen there are potholes everywhere, now before all the student stoners run out and start searching for holes of hashish, no I mean holes in the road. So big that if you look down them you can see spurlocking going on. When is Aberdeen City Council going to take there finger out of there arse and wipe it clean it and sort these roads. This is murder for any car drivers, although it is amusing when you see a smug cyclist falling down one, reminiscent  from a scenes from a Charlie Chaplin film. I was at the Beach Ballroom on Saturday waiting on ass hole's for a Charity night. And they were having a Burns Supper, yes I know ladda da. Then the addressed the haggis, this took 2 poems and a song and then a 10 minute spiel. I was beginning to think that the the Royal Mail was part of the addressing and the haggis was  lost in the post. Have a good night everyone xx

Saturday 28th of January

The Royal Bank of Scotland, Sir Philph Hamilton rejects his 1million pound bonus. My god the Llyods Tsb banking chief, Antonito did as well. That's because there are on 1.6 million a year. Who decides to pay them this bonus. That's right politicains not the bank, the goverment. However were they not the ones that were doing all the complaining about handing the bonus back!. Pot kettle, kettle black.  Supposedly thousands of people sent a letter in protest. If I was one of them. Mines would of said. Dear Sir Philph. I am wrting to say please give up your bonus. As this is your 4th letter. Please understand that there is a bank charge of 40.50p. on every letter I send.Just like the that bleeding bank doe's. In other news Demi Moore has been taking drugs, I knew the wheels were coming off of her. I would be overdosing if I done that car wreck that was Charlies Angles Full Throtle. Lastly the spice girls, well old spice, are to renuite for a reuioion for the Queen's diamond , pearl, chirty ball. Just another excuse for her Maj and TV, to ram the royals down our throats this June. There is reports that the Spice Cun*'s will not be lip syncing. God I feel bad for the corgis. xx 

TALK TALK

Cause we are rainbows, life is beautiful. Is it f***. What a lot of shite that Talk Talk company  spiel, wafts total BS. I went with Talk Talk for a effing day. Then decided that there service is crap. So phones them up, got to listen to One Direction, then JLS, then some Bros. So efffing raging beyond belief. Should we not have a number to opt out of listing to anything, Bring back Green Sleeves instead of listing to that pish!. So anyway gets on the phone. Then its all the details crap, to not one but three people. Then tells them I would like to cancel the Talk Talk services. "You know you will incur a 230.00 charge". "No I wont, I still have a 14 day cooling off period. Oh can we reduce your monthly payments. "God just let me leave, like a (16 year old girl that is leaving her mothers house for the first time, let go of my leg I want to go).  I just want to get away from Talk Talk. So that's me almost away from them 7 letters stating my terms and conditions and then a letter to say you are due us 43.00 pounds. I phoned them and said I'm not paying it, I will be sending a letter of complaint and I want to speak to a supervisor. Good Luck with that bloody supervisors are never there, are they!. Coming to think of it any company you phone you ask to speak to the supervisor, there never there. There always on a break, wow they must eat a lot of Kit Kats!!.  I cant wait until I am completely away from Talk Talk, then and only then will I be a rainbow, life is beautiful x  For everyone that reads this blog, you will be donating your time and effort into avoiding this cowboy company.  I heard there offices are a ranch and that they all wear,  spurs and they all go to work in a wagon instead of a bus, efffffinnnnngggggg ballbagggss 

POlice there amazing !

Fucki**, Polis, police, filth , pigs. Pulled over this morning, why you tell me, The long arm of the law, fuc* all to do. So decide to pull me over and do every check, until basically it was a stale mate. Sitting hiding in a corner of a road. Oh the wee sneaky barstewards.  Why were they not wearing wigs, moustaches and camouflage. Have they got nothing better to do than pull over people, for being on phones, tinted windows, stealing kegs. That's the second time I have been pulled over first time when I was hosting Snafu for Naz Hussian at Breackneck Comedy in Aberdeen, I was buzzing after the gig and there was this ball bag of a cyclist, wearing a fluorescent top. I would run him over If I would not get charged. I bet he was one of those got to respect the environment chug over a ssave the seal campaign.  Anyway I sped up and the fuckwi* of a policeman pulled me over, then he had not car so had to drive around in a Renault, he said that he had forgotten his kit, so I had to breathe into his hand, and the drug test was as basic as "have you taken any drugs". No officer. OK then just as well I trust you . I know there is cutbacks, but jeso, whats next paper mache batons, paper hats and paper donuts. knob*. He let me off, but still PC checked me to the maximum. Bloody polis, wank* 

The Estate

In the news today.  The Irish have there own version of the scheme, called the estate. So does that mean that the english will have the block, the welsh will have the bog. The television has just noticed that on every outskirt of a town is a skid mark of a city.  (input your own city, )I wonder what the Irish will be about, right you Catholic you cant walk down this road, during our orange march. Instead of Dana and Marvin, it would be Daffy and Maguire. Did you know that Maguire means son of the beige one, no me either. I didn't even know beige existed until 2008, when I was in DFS, looking around at sofa's. Other news, Demi Moore is suffering from exhaustion, I know what she is talking about my box of tissues were exhausted sitting through Disclosure. I had a cold. Anyway, she is maybe exhausted for putting up with one of the UN funniest men that will ever walk into her life, yes that's right Ashton Kutcher, unless she starts dating James Belushi. Lastly , pensioner aged 77, is dealing heroin. SHOCK, actually he was Jehovah witness DOUBLE SHOCK. I mean could you imagine that. Knock Knock, Hi I wondered if I could talk to you about our lord, he came from us to from the almighty, Some people see his mother as Mary of Bethlehem, she was a heroin, speaking of heroin you wanting to buy a £10.00 bag. till the morn x 

Cun* of a mood

What a night last night. First I go to the Stand with high hopes, Looking forward to knocking it out the park. Nope worst I have ever done. I got some laughs, but a lot of it didn't hit. It was poor from my standards. So I have decided to take my comedy into a different direction. Rather than noticeable punch, pish,m stoppy starty crapy obvious gags. More observation, with subtle gags. I would say that Agnes was a lot better. Maybe I tried to much. SO left the stand and like to take in a wee cheeky bag of Chinese chips for the journey home. Just the pick me up I needed them  after the Stand. However low and behold , life manage's to piss all over them. I went to a chinesse bought chips, went to a chipper and bought something and asked for some salt. The woman said "do you not think that's a bloody cheek". In fact it's a insult". I was like eh, I don't understand, mind you if you stop being a cow, maybe just put that word on my chips and I will be on my way  i.e inSALT. Why not just be cool, I mean Jesus. Then she continued her rant, Jesus, jut take it with a pinch of salt, and put some over my chips. We left the chipper and started the car journey home. It was a long journey, especially when the exhaust went all Pete tong. I think there is a hole in it, However I'm no mechanic and judging by last night I'm no comedian,  However I am a old woman judging by Agnes. Oh that's another thing that's my name Agnes Campbell. I have taken a hit over this week in comedy terms, The punch line gags don't suit  me I have more to offer. So expect a complete overhaul in material from now on. Thanks peter 

Dogs can mind read

Monday , here I go again on my own. Nice re-charged, feeling good. Got a gig at the Stand 10 minutes on my own, then 5 minutes as an old lady. Going down with Jamie,  Will be good. Had a gig on Saturday for the RGU, (student ville). I should of done a lot better, however thought I would write a 15 minute set on students. Next time I will do my material and work it in. Don't get me wrong there were some good laughs, but other parts there were not. However got some cracking material that I am going to keep from Face book, that I can work into a compere set. In the news today benefit caps, and murder and death, so I'm going to report on the news that made me chuckle. Dogs can mind read, yeah that;s right. So when your clapping the dog when your blue, down , depressed that day. The dog knows, your not at your best and comes's over to you. Could you imagine someone that is suffering from depression, the dog would be over saying to himself, god here we go again, Mr I have had a hard time, better go over there and get a couple of pats on the head, It' not like I have anything better to do, maybe I was wanting to lick my balls today, look out the window. I mean my owner is really getting on my nerves. He was dumped a year ago. I mean man up. Oh no he;s crying. He really knows how to kill all the fun in the room. Now he's off to bed. Owner to dog, "sorry pal, I cant take you for a walk today, I'm to depressed". Great mate, no walkies for me, cause he depressed. Why could of my owner not been a junkie, I mean I would not be fed as much, but least I would get out more, down to the chemist every day,  in car journey's well taxis. Got to be better than this life.  

Always happy to help, what a load of twaddle. I was in Asda and went to the counter and asked two girls if they had a measuring tape. When they prised themselves from there idle chat, of who had what for dinner. Put in your own expletives. They handed me a tape with a attitude. "I said how does it work", she said "just put round your neck". I said "oh OK", then she said "your shirt size is 17 in the neck". I was like "it's not I'm pretty sure it's 15 and a half". I was just wanting to make sure. Then she said "no it's a 15". I was like "that's to tight". "I wont be able to breathe let alone wait on tables". Why have donut's and total pies in the George section, surely these would be found in bakery!. Some people would of reported them for shoddy service. I just took a deep breath and shouted cunt* at the top of my lungs. Nah just kidding. I had to bite my tongue, as before I would of reported them. Then I thought nah, they are suffering enough they are working in Asda George, full time. In the words of Jessie J, who's laughing now. Took my motor to kwik fit, guy came out with his tutting sound and said "cost you a good whack to get the car done", "I can see big chunks out of the wheels", I was like "yeah big chunks",. He replied, "Well for starters we will need to replace both the front tyres". Oh yeah I said, "how much will that cost", he said "around 98 pounds, plus repair, and then there is man power". He was using his calculator at the time. I said "give me the calculator and I will give me my estimation", He was like "what you gonna estimate". I said "well say tyres 56 pounds, man power I think your doing yourselves out there, so say 56 pounds each, new muffler?, say 56 pounds, and lets get a spray of Green at 2,000". He said "very funny". I said "no I have 3,000 pounds in the bank. Ill go and get it", He says "fair enough my Friend". I said nah just joking. To be honest I was just needing the parking space as I went in the shop across the road, fuck getting clamped ha ha  Cheers though. ha ha Garage 0 Peter 1 

Paid off, *****

News of the world, pay out 7 celebrities, in phone hacking scandal. They will all need the money. Plus at least the victims of this atrocity have benefited. I mean  Ulirka Jhonson she is skint. Although i'm pretty sure she worked for that paper. She was a bloody pain, my kids this, and I got chatted up today, and how great am I, COCK off you annoying twat!. I remeber they hacked her phone  when she was pumping Sven Goran Erikison.  OK OK   Who else, please tell me not that bell end Ashley Cole. Afraid so, yes dickhea* of the century, who is over 100K a week. They paid him off. Tell me no-more ball bags have been paid out. Least there has been no fat bastar* paid out, like a politician. Afraid so. the man that had been paid that much while supposedly running the country could run two jags. They have all settled out of court. Wait a minute they have all settled out of court. That's right. The pain and agony of having there privacy invaded and teaching the press a lesson. They all got paid off from News International. what a bunch of fu*ck nuggets. In other news Simon Cowell uses fruit to stay young, hmm wonder why he looked young for his age. Mind you I think I would rather grow old than have a sultana/sinata climbing up my arse. Lastly shamless sex scene on politics show, nude woman in background having a bit of rumpy pumpy, there was a RISE in viewers for that show. 5 top shows coming to a TV near you, 1, Have I got nudes for you , 2, Alan TITmarsh Show, 3, Breastenders, 4, Nude girl, 5, anything on channel 5, after 9pm. OVer and out mofos x  x 

Fishy hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Well, well, well. What a eventful time in Aberdeen, the Union Terrace Gardens is getting a bit of work done to it. 50 million pounds worth. Supposedly Haliburton have heard there is  money and oil in this city. So America is about to invade. They were only stopped when they were told the prouncation is Aberdeen not Abideen. Also in the news, salmon fishing is beiging in the Tay. If you catch a fish you have to throw it back. What's the point of fishing. I thought you caught a fish and took it home with you. No one is going to belive the catch. "Honey I caught a fish it was huge",  at least a 1 hour fight on the rod". |"Great not been to Tesco yet, where is the fish". "Oh I threw it back". You could see the kids to there dad, "come on now dad, im sure it was a tadpole"?, honestly boys it was massive, sons would be "yeah yeah dad good one". Last piece of news that made me chuckle. The Tibetan priest is coming over to Scotland to visit. Inverness, Edinbrugh and Dundee. You can see 10.000 residents of Dundee turning up at the prospect of him dishing out peace, them thinking its a sandwich. see you all tomorrow x