BLOG March 24-29

Hello and welcome to the mad, week, month that is March. Soon onto Aprils fool. Watch out for left handed mars bars!.

• Jeremey Clarkson is in the news slagging metrosexuals, yes men that look after themselves. OR is it the mere thought of the word Metro (really old car). Clarkson states men should be men. Wait il'l get my stag horns, we can tussle on the lawn, knowing Jeremy. He probably shoots stags. Clarkson being men of men. Still gets thrills with playing with cars and blowing things up. Most men grow out of that when they stop coming home with grass stains on there knees. What a tit!. Oh and if you would like the right to complain to Clarkson, you will find him at his mate DAVE. As doe;s a bear shit in the woods, Does Andy Gray like Super Sundays, Doe's the Spar/Nisa/Co-op like a queue, Does Dave like Top Gear.  
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• On the pages of the press this morning is Grodon Ramsay and his LEEKed sex tape. Was it in the Kitchen, When his wife found out, she went mad, screaming divorce. That would be a hot potato if his wife found out. His goose would of been well and truly cooked. He swears more times than Eddie Murphy, when he was shagging MEL B. I'm on about the morning, What the FUc* was I doing, Fuc*, Fuc* , Fuc*, why MEL B. Mr Ramsay having sex would be more foul language than would be found in a Adult Channel 1am commercial. Everyone seems to releasing sex tapes, it's not taboo anymore. They only tape that I want to hear about celebs is  gaffa tape. 

• Justin Bieber is in hot water, should be a cauldron after he has been desiccated,. He thought it would be funny to tell everyone to call this number. However he forgot to check if people acutally had this number. And we all know Americana's favourite girls name is SUE. Bieber ye wee scamp,  what next a botched pregnancy. Did you know in 2010 that he was almost arrested for  hitting a policeman with a water bomb. If only he did and then we could of got a re- enactment of Rodney King, We can live and hope 

• You can now bet on Wrestlemania at the Ladbrokes....... I think betting shops are the con of man and let's not be Jermey clarkson IE sexist con of women. I think the clue is in the title. LAD BROKE.. As I know a few gamblers. No I'm not on about the guys that go bareback in Thailand. I mean people that have lost lots of money. I bet the guy in the gay spandex wins, if not the big guy with baby oil and steroids. 

• Frankie from the Saturdays is depressed.... For anyone that doe's not know the Saturdays. It's a girl group that is not as good or as popular as Girls Aloud. But god there triers. They release a single, more times that I lose a flipping sock. i.e every other week. There almost as desperate as Step's. Least they could dance. Now let me see if I can remember there names there was Scott. Lisa, , Claire and H, No not rimmer from Red Dwarf, mind you he was gay so you could call him rimmer). ..... Now let's take time to feel sorry for Frankie as she is depressed. How can we cheer her up, find her a man, buy her a cake. No it's OK, she dosent' need any of that. She has just appeared on the front page of Glamour and has another sexy shoot in Zoo. Oh well maybe people that are depressed don't need any anti depressants, we just need a cover shoot. Go Figure 

• Tax has went through the roof, now the government have decided to tax, pies, and sausage rolls. Yes that's right give the oil company's some tax relief and tax all bugger else. Who ate all the pies, Who ate all the pies, you fat bastard with the higher based salary, you ate all the pies.

• Lately the biggest event of the world is about to kick off, no not the execution of the Spice Girls. The Olympics. London has been gearing up for them, since Lord Cole got his hole, Let's face that how he got them, he shagged some delegate.Personally I'm not really looking forward to them. Eussain Bolt, will be the big draw, however if you drop your tax ridden sausage roll , by the time you have picked it up that will be over. Unless you can pick it up in around 9.58 seconds, event over. 
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• We do have the swimming which will be comical, as if the droughts go on. Looks like there will be a water ban. Although to be honest it would be funny to watch a dry pool swim. Without sounding to hack, Do you think Micheal Barrymore would of wished for a drought, March 2001! Then we have Also I bought a wispa gold the other day and it said keep Team GB pumped, yeah I would pump most of them. Apart from the long distance runners that have a chest like a table. I would not know to feel her top half. Or to just rest my dinner up there. 

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Good week to you all and thanks for stopping by.......   Please feel free to comment on my blog. Enjoy Lot's of love Peter.  

• Tulisa Constovials, constatine I'll have a constant please carol, the girl from the x-factor has a new man. She was rumoured to be sleeping with Mark Wright from TOWIE fame?. However Tulisa tweeted, Why am I suppose to be banging every man I meet. I have not shagged Mark Wright, (what a treasure). I mean all this mud slinging from the press, she not got enough N Dubz. 
• Cheryl Cole is making a come back. with her new album in the can, in the bin more like. It is rumoured that she will have a chat show for the BBC, for a reported, 75,000 salary, they should devote some of that money to subtitles, as trying to make out what Cheryl is saying is like trying to decipher what Sly Stalone says after a bottle of vodka.She was also out living it up in swanky London. She tweeted, Should I leave my bag with a sobna friend....... imagine calling your mum a bag. 
• Kerry Coketona was on This Morning, trying on a Big Fat Gypsy (if the shoe fit's) wedding dress. She told Philip and Holly. My main concern with this dress is going to the toilet. Wow Kerry, even when she has a wedding she is still concerned with how much people you can fit into the cubicle to snort coke. 
• Bought a car from Cheap as Chips, David Dickson, within a week the head gasket blew, Dicksons Raw Deal. 
• Russel Bland, throws I phone through a window in America. In his defence he made a quip about the I-phones inventor Steve Jopps and making a tribute to his memory. What a cheap shot at Apple's creator, struck me right to the core. Russel Brand is still trying to get over his divorce to Katy Perry, aww did it blow ,  hot and cold. 
• One Direction have conquered the States, There album is set to be number 1, if they have a number one, in the American charts, they would of succeeded the Beatles. Showing that how shit the charts are!. The Beatles were around 60 years. One direction 6 minutes............ 15,000 fans turned up to see them. However no child catcher, grrrrrr 
• Doctor Who, who you ask well  Matt Smith that's who,  is smitten with, Karren Gillian they have been spotted in hugs and kisses and even sharing a cheeky burger king. You got it your way at BK you got it. Good to see it's not just me that take's my dates to Burger King. Karen Gillina doe's like a wee drinky poos. infact Karen Gillan got so hammered that she ended up in a corridor , crying and naked. Wonder if she was singing Total Eclispe of the Heart, all the women I used to know used to sing that when they were drunk. 
• JLO, or Supercun* of a Cun*. Has a body double of a man, doe's the body double pull the same Diva fit's as that cun*, probably. She had her boyfreind, soon to be husband number 124. Pop doughnuts into her mouth, as she could not get any sugar on her popstar fingers. I mean god forbid, worlds MVP (most vaulable player) would get sugar on her. I mean talk about one hand feed the other, in her case, just a get a guy that is half your age and wollah. 
• Cher Llyod, Cheryl Cole clone, almost identical, apart from I can understand Cher Llyods accent. Is not a happy puppy, she just moved into her million pound house. As soon as she moved her parents have turned her room into a dinning room. Hmmmm, I think they must believe that she is going to be in her opinion the next Madonna. I don't think they realise how shit she really is, Mr and Mrs Llyod. Don't go renovation just yet, she could be back any minute. 
• Jessica Simpson has fairly put on the beef. Yes I know she is preggers. However that's not a bun in the oven that's the whole bakery and then some. She must be eating like a Susan Boyle (pig) 
• Danielle Llyod woke up in a pool of blood, why be swimming in a pool of blood. No her implants had burst, yes that's right her boobs were not real, not any of them. They looked real to me. No the fun bags were not. She says and I quote that I feel like a 12 year old boy, Now Danielle Paedophilia is not the way to go 
• Jordan AKA Katie the price is right, I'll deal for that story. Has been warned by a Surgeon that she cannot carry on having fillers for her lips, or they will go rock hard. She looked like a duck, she is a duck, Let's look at the facts, She puts her head down for periods of time, She can't get enough of bread ie. money. And she is effing quackers. 
• Jenifer Anstion  (Black Widow). Has been in and out of love, more times than the whole cast and crew of sex and the city. She meets a man, has a few dates, then it's all hooped. What is this woman doing wrong. I think she is clique. I mean people like there cuddles and stuff. But I think she is the sort of a woman that you take home and say. Your in bed and next thing you know. I would do a 3some to keep you happy, or Hey Jen you got kids, Nope I have never been blessed.......... Cya Jenifer , x Or as Ross Geller would say Oh Boy. 
• Britney Spears, yes mother of the year 2012. Says that her hair is so damaged that it just falls out in clumps. Maybe you should go and speak to your hairdresser. No wait that's you.... Infact just leave it to grow, you Nut job. Ever think in 5 years Britney will be the new Cascada (happy hardcore chick)  
• Jessie J is about to start her new career in the BBC flagship show. The Voice, she is reported to be earning a six figure figure after she refused a five figure, as for Jessie J, it's not about the money, money ,money. For anyone that doesn't know about the premise of the voice. Basically there are 4 judges and they pick the singers based on there voice. So after they have been selected, it's just a singing show. Yes think fame academy but without Nigel Lightow and some big red chairs, so bollocks then, to right 
• GILF NOT, Madonna, has cut her arms, and sadly not her throat. From rehersals. Madge as she likes to be called should be slowing down. Instead of jumping around like a mum that has got pissed at the bingo and got a St Andrews cross win. She even posted the photos of her cut lip, saying ow and oh, here's one you missed Madge, Whhhoo give's a fuc* 
• Posh Spice or VB, has been helping Eva Lonoria's man hunt. As Eva would like to date another sportsman. So has called on BFF, to help her snare a man. VB to Eva, just get a man that kicks a ball, ask's no questions and is dumb as dogshit, Eva but you already have David Beckham. 
• Lastly Britain has more fuckin* reatards from the glue factory. No I'm no on it this year. Yes it's that time of the year, when Simon needs a new chin, Aleshia needs more money, Wallams need more excuses to be not funny and Amanda needs new cheek bones. Britain has got talent, however we would rather show, a man with a very big beard, a jumping dog and someone that can consume 10 or more jaffa cakes up his arse 

See you Soon 


Love 


From 


Peter Wood 

As you can see there is not a blogger everyday. This is not down to the fact that I cannot be arsed. It's down to the fact that the news if written about every day , moves very slowly.  You would not think that would be true. However I can assure it is. I did 3 gigs last week, one of them hosting and loved every minute on stage, even though gig number 3 at the Blue Lamp. I was very nervous. If I can just conquer this I could be really good. I have lisitend to some great adivice from Rik Molland and Gus Lynburm and I am trying to put that into practice. I have a lot of gigs coming up. As for the news , Cheryl Cole is getting someone else to write her songs for her, and she will take all the plaudits, I love that, that's like me stealing a joke and someone else taking it and saying cheers bud.