GYM

• Monday 31st May       Just back from the gym, oh the gym what a nightmare, full of knobs. I hate it when the gym guys that pump far to much weights, just throw the weights on the floor, then they shout ahhhhhhhhhh. It's like there is no need to bounce the weights on the floor, your not entering strongman. I mean you will be back to the gym the morn, wearing your wife beater shirt and no doubt drinking Stella, you knob jockey. Then you have the guys that go on the cross trainer, but go at such a low setting there legs are going that fast, they look like bloody road runner, wonder they don't go meep meep. Next time your in the gym look at them, you will see a Wile E Coyote behind them preparing a acme sling shot.  You want to tell them, here mate you are not working out at all going that fast, try it on a harder setting. However they would get all upset and that would cause a atmosphere and I don't think the gym needs that with Brutus, Spartcus and Bluto  grunting every 10 reps, effing  twwwwwwwwwwwattss, till the morn 

Vietnam x

• Monday the 30th of May Gooooooooood Morrrrrnnnnniing Vietnammmmmmm. What a film, it has everything, emotion, love story, conflict, war, death, asshole*. I have not watched it for years. Still good as I remembered it. Love Robin Williams. I'm about to show my age but I loved Robin Williams since his Mork and Mindy days. There was a big discussion in Scotland about him stealing a Kevin Bridges joke. However I don't think he stole it, one of his writers would of. I don't know if he has done that his whole career, who knows?. Also I don't know what it is about Nam war films, I just have a greater interest. Not sure if it's cause of the jungle or the weather. I can't stand word war 2 films. However Nam films I just sit back relax and could watch them for hours. Maybe it's cause all the blockbuster films are made regarding Nam, Accpolcypse Redux Now, Platoon, and Full Metal Jacket etc. Same can be said for video games, I would rather battle my may through VC territory than Nazi Germany, no idea why i'm so memerised with Vietnam films, mind boggles. I hope VC (vietcon) is a non racist term?  well till the morn x

Formula 1

• Sunday the 29th of May     neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiowwwwwwwwwwwwwww, what's that is it a plane, is it a train nope, yawn it's a Formula 1 car. I ,don't get how people can watch Formula 1 and get excited about a car going round and round a track. There is little or no opportunity for overtaking, that's why when someone doe;s it seen as a groundbreaking move. Let's face it you only watch it for the first corner, then that's it, once the first corner has been and gone, it's pretty dull for 58 laps. I think I would rather go and do some dishes than watch that cac'k and I hate doing dishes. I feel sorry for the parents that that take there kids to the race track for the first time. oh hear we go kids this is Alonso coming round the neeeeeeiiiiiiooooooooooowwwwwww, was that Alosno daddy, not sure, he went by so fast could of been anyone to be honest, wish I never forked out £80.00 a ticket, plus there has not been a single crash. Oh sod it kid's let's get out of here this blows, should of knew that as I was bored with scalectrix after going round the track twice and the car coming off the track 14 times. Oh well could be worse, could be at Thorpe Park, and have some cheeser red coat trying to entertain us.

Donut in the bakery, tonight's the night

• Saturday the 28th of May,     Right, bloody annoyed the day, was in the baker after the gym, there was a queue that you would find at a bloody nightclub on a sat night. This guy is being served and decides to answer his mobile phone, tells the lady to hold on. Bloody cheek, I mean could he not got the call after he paid, you heard everyone one muttering under there breath, what a A-Hole,. I mean I wanted to say here mate, I have things to do like drink beer, sleep with many women, go home and put on some washing, I'll let you decide what one I did today. Well tonight I'm doing comedy at the Blue Lamp, I have written my strongest set since I was came out of the nut house. I'm on the same bill with one of the funniest and charismatic guys I have met, Paul Pirie, awesome. Can't wait. I have practiced for a hour etc.. and ready to go and do it, however I better not blow it like b-rabbit at the start of the rap battle in 8 mile. It's my time to shine, i''m ready to knock it out of the park, commmmmmme on ye bas xx

Freindly bacteria, coc* off

• Friday 27th of May   I write this thinking of all the children that might of perished since 1992, you know the kids we lost to the bacteria. I mean what a crock of shi*, I mean what's next eat 5 a day, wait a minute they have already hit us with that scam. Now they are targeting children with there subliminal message. What will middle class suburbia do, they will have to go out and buy them. Have you seen the price of them, there like £3.00 for 8. I mean without sounding like my granddad I survived on mum's burgers mixed with a tin of ravolli, I mean only if pro biotic yoghurt's were there for me when I was younger I could of been somebody, doctor, a contender. Instead of getting daily reports home from the school, I could of been top of the class. Maybe if my mothers boyfriend had a pro biotic yogurts, he would of not battered me about the house and we could of went fishing instead. Like I said before what a crock of shi*   Till the morn x

Robin Willams

Thursday the 26th of May, Hey super day, NOT, still looking for a bloody job, however there is a plus side. I get to watch all of Scrubs, Two and half men and King of Queens. However I mean how much time do they have to show the same adverts for comedy central. The only thing is that comedy central is on Sky, so in two weeks time, they will show the same bloody episodes. Speaking of Sky, I have set the recorder to tape Good Morning Vietnam, I think it has to be Robin Willams best picture, mind you there was Toys, (don't ask). I'm about to show my age here, however I loved Mork and Mindy and his stand up about golf, is amazing. So jimmy you hit the ball, walk around 4 hours to hit the ball again. Anyway nice and short and sweet today, one love xx

Ashton Kutcher nooooooooooooooooooooo

• Wednesday the 25th of May         Hello my chums, I heard that Ashton Kutcher is taking on the role of Charlie Sheen on two and a half men. Please god no, I missed when Ashton Kutcher was funny, yes I have seen that 70s Show. However I have to say he was not funny in that either. I watched most of his rom-coms to, no I was held at gun point. Why choose him though, I mean there are plenty of people out there that are funny. Plus when people are getting out of it, its better to say I'm on Charlie Sheen, than I'm on Ashton kutcher. I watched many things with the Sheen's in it. Now I might be wrong here, however have you ever noticed that when Martin Sheen and Charlie Sheen are on screen together that, Martin Sheen, just have a constant look of dissaproval. You check it out, and then you will be like yeah I see that, until Thursday in the word's of porkie pig that's a folks, or in the words of a tortilla that's a wrap, xx

Al Pacino and 50 Cent, No way

Tuesday 25th of May    Hello, that's why I'm easy, easy like a Sunday morning. No wait it's Tuesday. I'm watching Carlitos Way. It's OK, no scar face, some people say it's the thinking mans Scarface. There's nothing really happens in it. Apart from the annoying Sean Penn being well annoying. I mean what has happened to Al Pacino's film choices. Doe's he even read the scripts, how bad was Righteous Kill, so bad that the 50 pence, turned up and hammed it up even further. I mean how much did that coc* have to pay to be in that movie. Maybe i'm being a little harsh on bullet proof pest (50 cent). I mean he did make one good album, then nothing. Wow his next album was that bad, that even if he was executed in a drive by, people would still be saying, I knows he dead, but man that album I whack, I ain't buying that shittt. As for Al Pacino, just stop doing shit films and pissing all over your legacy

Wind

Tuesday the 24th of May       Woke up this morning and feel like a freight train had run over my body, the effects of the gym. I feel good, pumped fit, To good, need to keep myself in check. When your diagnosed with BPD, you have to tread carefully on your emotions. If your to high, what ultimately comes is a low, as most bellends that take M-KAT would agree, what comes's up must come down. It's so windy just now, it's blowing a gale, 70mph winds, bloody nightmare on elm street. We drove to do comedy in Edinburgh and there were vans overturned, and Lorry's had been blown over, I thought I had seen superman, it was not though, just a guy holding a large rectangle piece of plastic being blown into a field,  it was no fun, it's so bloody cold just now. So much for the predicted heat wave, I swear weather forecasters, should just tell us the truth, it's going to be a piss poor summer, don't blame us  you do live in effing Scotland x

Chairty , hmmmmmmmmmm

Saturday 21st of May        Hello everyone, yes as you see in the title, today blog is about charity. I had one of them round at my door, would you like to sponsor a child, no they don't do anything anymore, not even a sponsored walk. I mean all the money they have received over the years, what  do they do with our yearly 23 million, I'm sitting eating beans on toast while there wine and dinning on lobster and crystal champagne. Anyway I told the woman no thanks, I already do comedy gigs for half price, so no I won't be donating any money. She looked at me like I just shit on her sponsor form. It's for cancer she said, I said I have already donated goodbye. I closed the door and there were four sponsor people circling downstairs like vultures, they got someone details, then they phoned there company immideaditley to take the 8 pounds twenty, they don't give a shit about the charity. I swear they horde all these kids that did not make it into the Jehovah witness school and arm them with a clipboard and a big cheesy smile, bloody dickheads the lot of them, this week I have been listen to screams, as I have now put a electronic shock on the door, that will keep the bastard* away

Funny man?

Friday the 20th May        Hello, watched Judge Dread last night, you know the film with Sly Stallone and the awful Rob Schrieder. I mean here is a great premise for a movie, future setting, judges that execute people, heaps of criminals running about. However we get treated to a dire cast, a dire script and dire acting. The only thing that is remotely good about that film is the baddie in it. Also how many times doe's Stallone have to say, I knew you were going to say that. Even the heroine in it is mediocre at best. Someone please tell me, when was Rob Schrieder funny, he's as funny as 7 month piles. How doe's he get work, he is as much use in that film, as Sarah Palin was in Jhon Mcain president campaign. Infact pump Rob Schrieder over to Alaska in a bear costume and then ask to go hunting with Sarah Palin,  she shoots him and the world can breathe a sigh of relief, we never have to see him in any other movie....

Bloody pi@h actors

Thursday the 19th May          Bloody armature actors in adverts, let's take insurance churchill for instance, the twat that comes in all silky smooth, picks up a magnet and everything flys off the shelf. Or the woman that comes in and knocks everything over, or the guy that has a one of his special hugs, where do they find these tossers. Why would they do that, audition for a part, yeah that was me in the churchill advert, what the one when that total twat comes in, NEXT. I mean how dumb do they think people are!. What's next for the churchill advert they go back to the 80s and cast someone with shades on. I use to think meercats were quite cute, now they are just effing annoying, simples, as a cock another shot of my hunting gun, ahhhhhhhhhhhh, don't even get me started on the Go compere fat cun*, they have been to outer space, 1920s, and back to egyptian times, not bad when was there insurance for spacecraft, gangsters cars and bloody mummys, over and out

Hello, guess who's back, back again, shadey's back tell your friends, well peter

Thursday the 18th of May.... Sound the trumpet's, raise the alarm, squash the tomatoes. Yes guys and dolls, i'm back, from the Exodus. I was out for a walk on the wild side, with Lou Reed, decided it was not such a perfect day and returned. I am back so that means more ranting and raving about, situations, pigeons, comedy, books, life in general. First of all thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read my bloggs and musings. It's been fun. I know what you are thinking what a lazy bastar*, he just thought he would stop writing. Nope I dropped my laptop and it broke. To be honest it was bound to happen. Then I try to reboot it, nope nothing, then it was working it took it a year to come on, so I bounced it off the floor a few times. take that dell. See you the morn xx