HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD

Hello peeps, here is this weeks blog, enjoy


Undercover boss on Channel 4, this programme plumps a CEO of a company, into a company. The CEO watches the workers work, how they work with there colleague's and how they deal with  customers and then hand out big cash bonuses, there were even promotions within the company and like Micheal Moore at any American tragedy, camera's were there rolling, to record any tears or emition's. Had a undercover boss at my work, he also watched how I inter grated with customers and colleagues, then I was sacked.


Posh Spice, is back in the news!. It was reported that her children encourage her to have a drink. If that sour puss was my mother I would tell her to drink and then drive her car off a bridge.


Abu Hamza? or captain hook or Jamie Andrew the climber, will be extradited to the USA for being a hate preacher. He says that he is here to spread a message. Now is it just me that thinks Abu would of had a longer stint in this country if he was more subtle in his message. Change his nickname from hate preacher to minster of a conflict of interests. He is on benefits, how does he sign on, does he have to scribe his name into bedrock. Also when your at the benefits office they try to match you with the job that you want to do. Alright for Abu , Woman at the benefits office, NO results for hate preacher. Abu would be saying love this country!. "Don't even have to fill in the job report"


Madonna or MAJ, or is that RAJ. Has just released a new perfume called Truth or Dare, where did she come up with the concept. I'm thinking the 80s. OK Truth Maj?, Maj would be like don't  go and see any of my films there shite. OK Dare. Sleep with Sean Penn. Nah your OK. She doe's not show her hands when being photographed for the mass of veins. To hell with her hands, look at her arms. She has veins that huge. I thought they were AA road maps.


Did you hear of the Kangaroo that swam off the animal park. to swim for freedom. Then came back for his friend. What a wallaby. It's not the first time that the Wallaby has made a break for it. You think the gamekeeper that was Australian would of heard of Tie my Kangaroo down sport.


Emma Watson was in the paper for sporting a tattoo. Some people think she is hot. She looks about 12 years old. Wannabe padeo's I guess. I feel the Harry Potter crew, will go the way of the Dodo. Her new film is called Bling Ring. After reading reports and seeing the cast. It will be painful to sit through this. It should be called the aptly Ring Sting.




See you next week xxx

Peter's Blog Thursday April 12th

Another week another rant. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Love writing it, So for anyone that is not reading it, just delete it... Love you all peter x x

• I'm feeling absolutely amazing, I can't describe how I am feeling. I could kiss a cat, stroke a dog (not in that way ), catch a fish, hug people,. OR smile more, eat a Chinese and not feel guilty!. Sign up for a Charity.  Feeling epic, just like Brian from Moneysupermarket.com           aye FUC* OFF!  

• Man VS Food, food always wins. Premise of this show is fat American gets fatter. that's about it!. Strange thing about this show is that everyone encourages him to eat. God knows what his doctor must say, he usually there egging him on. That's right he is cooking another egg to throw on the pile of food. He lost that many battles, that next season people will be jeering instead of cheering. 

• Most pointless job in the world.  Draw master on the National Lottery, they basically stand with a clipboard and do nothing, any health and safety person at your work then. Watching tons of balls being slapped about in a massive clear orb. Anyone that cannot picture that. Just watch Queer as Folk box set. There are so many draws on the National Lottery, it's like watching Falkirk and Dundee and Hibs at home. Dale Winton is so fat. Do you think he played Supermarket Sweep and then just ate the contents, including the bouncy banana bonus!.  I know dale loves meat, surely it's not that fattening?. 

• Oily Murs, don't get me started!. No personality but cheeky, can half sing and he can present. (What he can read words from a proctoractor). Wow what a genius and he's young which = total c*nt . This is another one from the Simon Cowell factory. Sometimes the Devil can take many forms and alter images, to re invent himself.  The devil  has survived for thousands of years...   Pirates he produced a jaunty song, pirates bought then plundered, and murdered people. Created Black Lace, no people were not killed, however thousands of souls lost, has now become Simon Cowell and taken control of the charts, warped all young minds for his assault on the world, you have been warned!.  

• Titanic, 100 years on. Film released again. No-one seems to like this film?. However it was one of the biggest selling films of all time. So just admit you have watched it.  Without Titanic you would not have Leorando Dicaprio in Gangs of New York and the Departed. Di Capro is now as widley know as Iceberg dead ahead and Winslett is as famous as that guy you know from Big Borther Season 3, he had that thing with the blond hair woman, oh never mind!. 

• Dappy chiich chagi bang bang. Is not happy, he's trying to write a album, but spells it ablum. Could be there for a while. He is a gangster as one of his song's suggests. He's misunderstood. Well stop speaking in bloody slang. TIT!.  Gangster seen a bigger gangster on Bugsy Malone. Dappy could not perform a drive thru never mind a drive by. He would be like at McDonald's, can get IIIII Chickenn Royale ,,, dog!!!. 

• Watched Shrek, other night and have to say. It's not that good. There is not enough of the King and Eddie Murphy is as annoying as Louis Spence on Coke, at a party, TV. Fuc* it anything!!!. Shrek is suppose to be a Scottish accent. However not sure where Mike Myers was staying to pick up a accent as bad as that, maybe Dundee.

• Jordan AKA Katie Price is right, I'll sell you my marriage, child birth and death. Has lost her show on UK living. That's because people have a choice on Sky. People choose not to watch. I heard that Katie Price is a big lover of Polo. When she first asked to play it, she went into the shops bought a packet and consumed them, saying what have I won. Which some TV producer laughed so much and said a show on ITV 2. 

• Lastly the hooker Jenny Thomson that has bedded every footballer,  now sleeps with dwarf's. So let's see you have Sleepy (Peter Coruch), Randy (Wayne Ronney), Bashful (Any cun*), womaniser  (John Terry), Shit in Bed (Ashley Cole), Rent boy (David Becham) Wife beater (any of the back four of the England team after a night out!!!) 

Anyway I'm spent see you all next week xx 

MISC April 4th to 7th Sn

• Hi all and thanks for all the support and love, also for taking the time to read my Blog. Also a big thanks to people that have seen me on a stage recently and appreciated what I have to offer to stand up.

• Channel 5, no not the perfume. The terrestrial station. Has Cowboy Traders with Dominic Littlewood and Melinda Messenger (former page 3 girl, no she is not now on page 5). They go and investigate all the dodgers (Nick Clegg, no sadly not)  in the UK armed with there bag of onions. As they both need human tears for this show to work. The best bit is when they go and find free stuff, for example. If they need a venue or chairs, beds. Page 3 girl, will work her magic and get either for free, or discounted. So does that mean we can all just jump into a furniture store and plead that our big day is hooped from a rouge trader. The shop owner would say, wait a minute I don't remember you being on the third page of a national newspaper, or you have not a camera crew, so piss off. 

• Watched kids that think there a vampire. Kids that run around cutting themselves and drinking there blood. Total muppets, infact Count on Seasme Street is a bigger vampire than any of  these socially inept retards. Each to there own I guess. The best bit was when one of them said that we are vampires. However were not like Hollywood vampires, we sleep in our own beds, Well least these make shift vampires get there own beds instead of coffins..... bloody coffin dodgers 

• Watched the mental storage hunters. Series on Dave, what not Top Gear. No they do have other programmes. A ex boxer goes around and buys tat, from lock ups. Think Bargin Hunt with balls. There was a fight on it, when two rivals clashed. Imagine that on Bargin Hunt the Red Team punching f*ck out of the Blue Team over a silver spoon set. There was a guy from Iraq, did two tours and they were haggling over Yankees baseball memorabilia. However he supported Boston Redsox. Just think Celtic and Rangers and he said this. There are two things I will never touch in my life Nazi Pamperphillia and Yankee memorabilia.......... Good to see Uncle Sam is still producing moral citizens. 

• Ever noticed Ramsden Gold employee's all look like they should be playing on line bingo, on plenty of fish or should be a receptionist for a debt companies. 

• Funny how McDonald's, is the main sponsor of the Olympic Games. The fattest food that you can have. I mean even a bulimic could not hold down there produce. Why would McDonalds be promoting sports, bit backwards, like Jack the Ripper promoting prostitution. As in this country we are more senstive about our weight. Have you been to a McDonalds. People look down  at you going into there, almost as humiliating as walking  into a Cash Converters.. No I have not been in there, since I came off the Meth and stopped robbing houses. 

• George Galloway is re elected in Bradford.  Politics is seen as that pis* in England, that they have elected a total arse wipe, See how cheesy he was on that open top bus, really showing why he has the last name of Galloway, (name of a cheese). He looked like the cat that got the cream. Yes George UK wont forget of your big brother pussy stint. 

• Snowfall in England and it's total chaos. Snowfall in Scotland and we just put on another jacket, maybe wear some sensible footwear for that day. England has gridlock and power cuts and total panic. Why do they treat snow like the end of the world. When they see snow, they all envisage the 4 horsemen of the accoplylse and the end of the world. Do you think there are nutters standing on the street with signs saying the "End of the world is upon us, expected snow showers"! 

• The big fuel crisis was upon us, where you going, no were fine, there is fuel. Thought you were about to rush out and buy some fuel. We love panic buying. Car's being overfilled and people on fire. There has not been this much panic buying since the Romans foreseen a shortage in crucifixes. 

• Neil Lennon was targeted by the terrorists of Wallace and Gromit, two dunderheids. Now I know it's not a nice story!. However these two dunderhieds, went in plain clothed to Staples and bought thousands of staples. Now I'm no FBI agent or even MI5. However even the largest of offices go through 40 staples a week. However staff at Staples, Just said that's a lot of staples, lots of binding to do. However why did they not cover there tracks. Not like Taliban go into B and Q for 40, 000 gallons of kerosene. Also supposedly if you buy a pirate DVD, we fund terrirsiom, Taliban Eric "hey keep copying Legally Blonde another 400 of these and we will have another war missile". "I'm copying but do you not think that we should be copying HUGO", No you infidel, the copies are not so good" "No one will buy them" 

• Duke and Duchess have been made into wax at Maddame Tussards. So now they get even more on my wick than ever, boom boom. I cant stand these two. However newsreaders love them, every time they say there name they have a multiple orgasm's. Could you imagine them in bed, "oh was that good for you honey", "It was OK", "why you smiling so much then". "Oh just thinking of that Wills and Kate story that I covered today" 

• Lastly the Apprentice is back on our screens, no not a bumbling, tenneager missing  a day , spotty fumbling kid, that gets more bullied on a work yard than a goth in American school.The show on  BBC 1.  Everyone sucks up to sugar like there all effing bee's around the honey pot. Boardroom just over inflated ego's arguing with each other for 10 minutes. " I was not born with a silver spoon, I have a degree, Sugar    " It's whoever can suck enough of Sugar's Cock" that's who will get the job, as 11 candaites looking for one Job that job being a blow job. 

• See you next week xxx

BLOG March 24-29

Hello and welcome to the mad, week, month that is March. Soon onto Aprils fool. Watch out for left handed mars bars!.

• Jeremey Clarkson is in the news slagging metrosexuals, yes men that look after themselves. OR is it the mere thought of the word Metro (really old car). Clarkson states men should be men. Wait il'l get my stag horns, we can tussle on the lawn, knowing Jeremy. He probably shoots stags. Clarkson being men of men. Still gets thrills with playing with cars and blowing things up. Most men grow out of that when they stop coming home with grass stains on there knees. What a tit!. Oh and if you would like the right to complain to Clarkson, you will find him at his mate DAVE. As doe;s a bear shit in the woods, Does Andy Gray like Super Sundays, Doe's the Spar/Nisa/Co-op like a queue, Does Dave like Top Gear.  
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• On the pages of the press this morning is Grodon Ramsay and his LEEKed sex tape. Was it in the Kitchen, When his wife found out, she went mad, screaming divorce. That would be a hot potato if his wife found out. His goose would of been well and truly cooked. He swears more times than Eddie Murphy, when he was shagging MEL B. I'm on about the morning, What the FUc* was I doing, Fuc*, Fuc* , Fuc*, why MEL B. Mr Ramsay having sex would be more foul language than would be found in a Adult Channel 1am commercial. Everyone seems to releasing sex tapes, it's not taboo anymore. They only tape that I want to hear about celebs is  gaffa tape. 

• Justin Bieber is in hot water, should be a cauldron after he has been desiccated,. He thought it would be funny to tell everyone to call this number. However he forgot to check if people acutally had this number. And we all know Americana's favourite girls name is SUE. Bieber ye wee scamp,  what next a botched pregnancy. Did you know in 2010 that he was almost arrested for  hitting a policeman with a water bomb. If only he did and then we could of got a re- enactment of Rodney King, We can live and hope 

• You can now bet on Wrestlemania at the Ladbrokes....... I think betting shops are the con of man and let's not be Jermey clarkson IE sexist con of women. I think the clue is in the title. LAD BROKE.. As I know a few gamblers. No I'm not on about the guys that go bareback in Thailand. I mean people that have lost lots of money. I bet the guy in the gay spandex wins, if not the big guy with baby oil and steroids. 

• Frankie from the Saturdays is depressed.... For anyone that doe's not know the Saturdays. It's a girl group that is not as good or as popular as Girls Aloud. But god there triers. They release a single, more times that I lose a flipping sock. i.e every other week. There almost as desperate as Step's. Least they could dance. Now let me see if I can remember there names there was Scott. Lisa, , Claire and H, No not rimmer from Red Dwarf, mind you he was gay so you could call him rimmer). ..... Now let's take time to feel sorry for Frankie as she is depressed. How can we cheer her up, find her a man, buy her a cake. No it's OK, she dosent' need any of that. She has just appeared on the front page of Glamour and has another sexy shoot in Zoo. Oh well maybe people that are depressed don't need any anti depressants, we just need a cover shoot. Go Figure 

• Tax has went through the roof, now the government have decided to tax, pies, and sausage rolls. Yes that's right give the oil company's some tax relief and tax all bugger else. Who ate all the pies, Who ate all the pies, you fat bastard with the higher based salary, you ate all the pies.

• Lately the biggest event of the world is about to kick off, no not the execution of the Spice Girls. The Olympics. London has been gearing up for them, since Lord Cole got his hole, Let's face that how he got them, he shagged some delegate.Personally I'm not really looking forward to them. Eussain Bolt, will be the big draw, however if you drop your tax ridden sausage roll , by the time you have picked it up that will be over. Unless you can pick it up in around 9.58 seconds, event over. 
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• We do have the swimming which will be comical, as if the droughts go on. Looks like there will be a water ban. Although to be honest it would be funny to watch a dry pool swim. Without sounding to hack, Do you think Micheal Barrymore would of wished for a drought, March 2001! Then we have Also I bought a wispa gold the other day and it said keep Team GB pumped, yeah I would pump most of them. Apart from the long distance runners that have a chest like a table. I would not know to feel her top half. Or to just rest my dinner up there. 

See you again next week 

For all things newsworthy

Have a lovely Week 

I wouldn't but Pete Wood x 

This weeks blog xxxx

Good week to you all and thanks for stopping by.......   Please feel free to comment on my blog. Enjoy Lot's of love Peter.  

• Tulisa Constovials, constatine I'll have a constant please carol, the girl from the x-factor has a new man. She was rumoured to be sleeping with Mark Wright from TOWIE fame?. However Tulisa tweeted, Why am I suppose to be banging every man I meet. I have not shagged Mark Wright, (what a treasure). I mean all this mud slinging from the press, she not got enough N Dubz. 
• Cheryl Cole is making a come back. with her new album in the can, in the bin more like. It is rumoured that she will have a chat show for the BBC, for a reported, 75,000 salary, they should devote some of that money to subtitles, as trying to make out what Cheryl is saying is like trying to decipher what Sly Stalone says after a bottle of vodka.She was also out living it up in swanky London. She tweeted, Should I leave my bag with a sobna friend....... imagine calling your mum a bag. 
• Kerry Coketona was on This Morning, trying on a Big Fat Gypsy (if the shoe fit's) wedding dress. She told Philip and Holly. My main concern with this dress is going to the toilet. Wow Kerry, even when she has a wedding she is still concerned with how much people you can fit into the cubicle to snort coke. 
• Bought a car from Cheap as Chips, David Dickson, within a week the head gasket blew, Dicksons Raw Deal. 
• Russel Bland, throws I phone through a window in America. In his defence he made a quip about the I-phones inventor Steve Jopps and making a tribute to his memory. What a cheap shot at Apple's creator, struck me right to the core. Russel Brand is still trying to get over his divorce to Katy Perry, aww did it blow ,  hot and cold. 
• One Direction have conquered the States, There album is set to be number 1, if they have a number one, in the American charts, they would of succeeded the Beatles. Showing that how shit the charts are!. The Beatles were around 60 years. One direction 6 minutes............ 15,000 fans turned up to see them. However no child catcher, grrrrrr 
• Doctor Who, who you ask well  Matt Smith that's who,  is smitten with, Karren Gillian they have been spotted in hugs and kisses and even sharing a cheeky burger king. You got it your way at BK you got it. Good to see it's not just me that take's my dates to Burger King. Karen Gillina doe's like a wee drinky poos. infact Karen Gillan got so hammered that she ended up in a corridor , crying and naked. Wonder if she was singing Total Eclispe of the Heart, all the women I used to know used to sing that when they were drunk. 
• JLO, or Supercun* of a Cun*. Has a body double of a man, doe's the body double pull the same Diva fit's as that cun*, probably. She had her boyfreind, soon to be husband number 124. Pop doughnuts into her mouth, as she could not get any sugar on her popstar fingers. I mean god forbid, worlds MVP (most vaulable player) would get sugar on her. I mean talk about one hand feed the other, in her case, just a get a guy that is half your age and wollah. 
• Cher Llyod, Cheryl Cole clone, almost identical, apart from I can understand Cher Llyods accent. Is not a happy puppy, she just moved into her million pound house. As soon as she moved her parents have turned her room into a dinning room. Hmmmm, I think they must believe that she is going to be in her opinion the next Madonna. I don't think they realise how shit she really is, Mr and Mrs Llyod. Don't go renovation just yet, she could be back any minute. 
• Jessica Simpson has fairly put on the beef. Yes I know she is preggers. However that's not a bun in the oven that's the whole bakery and then some. She must be eating like a Susan Boyle (pig) 
• Danielle Llyod woke up in a pool of blood, why be swimming in a pool of blood. No her implants had burst, yes that's right her boobs were not real, not any of them. They looked real to me. No the fun bags were not. She says and I quote that I feel like a 12 year old boy, Now Danielle Paedophilia is not the way to go 
• Jordan AKA Katie the price is right, I'll deal for that story. Has been warned by a Surgeon that she cannot carry on having fillers for her lips, or they will go rock hard. She looked like a duck, she is a duck, Let's look at the facts, She puts her head down for periods of time, She can't get enough of bread ie. money. And she is effing quackers. 
• Jenifer Anstion  (Black Widow). Has been in and out of love, more times than the whole cast and crew of sex and the city. She meets a man, has a few dates, then it's all hooped. What is this woman doing wrong. I think she is clique. I mean people like there cuddles and stuff. But I think she is the sort of a woman that you take home and say. Your in bed and next thing you know. I would do a 3some to keep you happy, or Hey Jen you got kids, Nope I have never been blessed.......... Cya Jenifer , x Or as Ross Geller would say Oh Boy. 
• Britney Spears, yes mother of the year 2012. Says that her hair is so damaged that it just falls out in clumps. Maybe you should go and speak to your hairdresser. No wait that's you.... Infact just leave it to grow, you Nut job. Ever think in 5 years Britney will be the new Cascada (happy hardcore chick)  
• Jessie J is about to start her new career in the BBC flagship show. The Voice, she is reported to be earning a six figure figure after she refused a five figure, as for Jessie J, it's not about the money, money ,money. For anyone that doesn't know about the premise of the voice. Basically there are 4 judges and they pick the singers based on there voice. So after they have been selected, it's just a singing show. Yes think fame academy but without Nigel Lightow and some big red chairs, so bollocks then, to right 
• GILF NOT, Madonna, has cut her arms, and sadly not her throat. From rehersals. Madge as she likes to be called should be slowing down. Instead of jumping around like a mum that has got pissed at the bingo and got a St Andrews cross win. She even posted the photos of her cut lip, saying ow and oh, here's one you missed Madge, Whhhoo give's a fuc* 
• Posh Spice or VB, has been helping Eva Lonoria's man hunt. As Eva would like to date another sportsman. So has called on BFF, to help her snare a man. VB to Eva, just get a man that kicks a ball, ask's no questions and is dumb as dogshit, Eva but you already have David Beckham. 
• Lastly Britain has more fuckin* reatards from the glue factory. No I'm no on it this year. Yes it's that time of the year, when Simon needs a new chin, Aleshia needs more money, Wallams need more excuses to be not funny and Amanda needs new cheek bones. Britain has got talent, however we would rather show, a man with a very big beard, a jumping dog and someone that can consume 10 or more jaffa cakes up his arse 

See you Soon 


Love 


From 


Peter Wood 

As you can see there is not a blogger everyday. This is not down to the fact that I cannot be arsed. It's down to the fact that the news if written about every day , moves very slowly.  You would not think that would be true. However I can assure it is. I did 3 gigs last week, one of them hosting and loved every minute on stage, even though gig number 3 at the Blue Lamp. I was very nervous. If I can just conquer this I could be really good. I have lisitend to some great adivice from Rik Molland and Gus Lynburm and I am trying to put that into practice. I have a lot of gigs coming up. As for the news , Cheryl Cole is getting someone else to write her songs for her, and she will take all the plaudits, I love that, that's like me stealing a joke and someone else taking it and saying cheers bud.