Last day of May, Twitter, BT, QUEEN and Schwopping

This weeks blogg.

• First of all, how annoying is it when you follow someone and they don't follow you back. Peers is the worst. Born ballbags. 

• What a total balls up I have had with BT engineers. My phone is not working, I can't hear what the other person is saying, it frequently cuts out. Enter the first BT Engineer, he might as well as turned up with spurs and a horse, he basically came out and turned up the volume on the phone. What a numbnuts, why did I not think of that, of course it's the volume on the phone. So needed to call out BT Engineer number 2, this guy was older, but his chat was so bad I thought he was a divorced male taxi driver. He did some tests, where he listened out for things, at one point I thought he was going to put his ear to the ground and say that number one engineer is approaching. IE Cowboy, and he's the Indian then he Say's well sorry son, ran out of time be back tomorrow, can they not finish the fucki*g job!. I can't turn around in my job and say that's dinner time, fuc* the boats waiting for this load. He says's that "I will be back tomorrow and fix the phone don't need access to the house", fair enough. Problem not resolved. You know what he did  he falsely mentions in his report that he contacted me. What a knob!. No I never seen his cock as engineer one was not with him. Now there wanting me to stay in on Monday, no way you stupid fuck*. They don't advertise this on there BT captain speedy adverts it's just that desperate housewife ginger  cun* trying to get in about a girl that has as much interest in him as she has in the other little cun* that has much personality as a divorced male taxi driver, or alt a BT engineer. In the words of cher LLyod grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (song I want you back)

• Speaking of Cher Llyod, I was reading in a article that she is not getting along with Cheryl jimmy super fly cole (cause of the jump off the stage on BBC the Voice). They have fallen out as Cher Llyod says that she can't sing, which is a true statement. No one goes against the girl from Tyneside though, so she said and I quote, "Be careful who you knock, it's a long drop from the top".and being Cherly she done it through Twitter. Don't know John Terry and your cun* of a husband seem to be dropping front the top.Wait Super cunt and super cunt 2 they never seem to get any form of comeuppance , (still waiting). However when you say that. your fall from grace was hilarious, and your comeback has not been that spectacular, some pap song that will be in and out the charts quicker than Rik Waller going through a KFC bargin bucket.  

• God save the Queen, wait for it lovely jubilee and England and some turncoat Scots love her. I going to buy a commemorative plate and have a massive dump on it. I can't stand the Royals, there not for me. But up and down the country we will be performing false genocide. As no-one really likes the Queen, they just want to be like everyone else and have a identity  to our country. Hang your head in shame you Royal Twat* 
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• Lastly Joanna Lumley is now schwopping, or whatever it's called. Marks and Spencer are firmly behind it. Basically people take all there clothes and shwop them. Another scheme that Joanna Lumley needs to get behind, first there was the gherkins and then schwopping. What's next climate change, saving forest's making Jenefir Saunders funny again, You are turning into a female Bono but you love it, AB FABOFF 

Speak Soon

Peter Wood

Catch my random bloggs and podcast's and i'm also on Twitter, @peterpolishwood

xx

Well it's almost June,

• This year is going quicker than a spider scrambling across the floor when you have not squsihed him hard enough with the toilet tissue.. We have been all there, clambering around on the floor as your girlfriend, mother, daughter, basically anything that is from Venus, is acting like a elephant that has just spotted a mouse. I don't think I have met any female out there that are not scared of spiders, supposedly we pass fears from one generation to another. Women say that they could easily live without a man!, hmm I have a feeling that we need each other, as if we were not here, there would be just wall to wall of spiders ruling earth. Mind you if we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, (as the other one is now being used to squish the spider, before the little fly bastar* runs under the crack in the floorboards, (which we were suppose to fix, two months ago). The spider has made his getaway and our blunder of not getting him. Is now backfired, as the spider is now a distant memory and fixing the effing floorbaords is now hers. Thanks spider, i'm going to get you good next time, ya little pric*. OR with her constant moaning every single day for the next two weeks, wish I could climb underneath there with him, lucky bastar*. Now I'm not being all anti women, as man needs women, if there were no women, there would just be men, up and down the country hogging a settee, like a golden Labrador, with his own special brand of flu. "Come here dear I think I have the flu you had, however by the time it gets to us, it has grown 4 different strains and mutated. She had a slight cold, but were off work, We walk about like we have the T-Virus from Resident Evil, (for all you gamers out there). "you OK honey", "think il'l live but it's touch and go. As man unwell, needs attention and cuddles and hugs and bosie's, lots of them.  So Men would  have no-one complain to when they were unwell. So the balance of the planet's equilibrium is held....

• I have just completed a month's voluntary work at Remploy. It was pure crap. Working for no money sucks more than a Dyson. However I would encourage anyone that has had a lengthy lay off from work to do it. This Monday was eventful I have accepted a job and will begin work next Monday. No more sitting on my arse for me, yes ready to take on the world, grafting, head down and get on with it, in my office based role, pmsl. Fuck**g right, if your going to work, you do the least possible work. I'm not as daft as I look, don't answer that. 

• There is not much happening in the news apart from Alex Salmond asking to vote for our independence. No!, your OK, you keep it. I don't think that it's a wise decision to leave something that we know for something that we don't. That's the equivalent of a 30 year old, man from Aberdeen, leaving a well paid job, to teach in Asia. (fucking* stupid). So when you get the chance to vote, tell that fat retarded beaver IE Alex Salmond to fuck* clean off. I heard that he is going to be having a tent at T in the Park. Could you imagine that going up to Ned's, excuse me can I interest you in Independence, nah mate I just bought a bag of coke....................

Speak Soon 

Peter

  

Also Please have a listen to Inside the Comedy Studio, with Robin Valo, Robert Starr and Scott Jeffery







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BGT , that's right Britain's got talent rant. 


I have watched this telly cancer all week, more shit that can be seen if 2 monkeys in the zoo covered in shit, holding a shit protest. We have had in no particular order a cun* that raps about his keys and phone, some dodgy German bloke, going on about how this is his song, sure is tit, no one else would sing that shi*.  then some woman that fancies Simon Cowell?. Yes that deserves a big question mark!.


On to the final and there is 10 rejects, more fuckin* rejects that could be found in a raggy doll bin, That Irish kid that broke down, as he got blown out from a girl, and Alesha soon to be the face of Dixon's, Is like it's her loss, I'm pretty sure that she is thinking thank fu**, what a tosser, yes he can write his own songs, but my god he must go through some amount of tissues, on about crying not wanking!



Then we have Amanda Holden by the fucking throat and duck her head in sulphuric acid, for 35 Min's at a time, and still we could not get back to her natural cheek bones, and lips, She is actually crying inside that face suit. Looking well just now, well sort of, if you want to masturbate to Freddy the krugger with added collagen 




As for the judges, I never ever thought that Little Britain and trans gender, fuck wit was as funny as salt on your bell end and guess what in 7 hours, nope as funny as a fanny fart when giving head. I wish he would swim the channel again, swim back to fuckin* BBC 1. 


The Welsh, choir is total shite. How much choir boys does it take to blow off a conductor, as much as that man can get his lips round.  however many is that band. Doe's anyone think that the manager looks like the guy from Shawshank Redemption, the warden. You remember the guy, blew himself away, why do that, when you have a whole choir. Yes I went there.


As for the MEND, soon to be called the METH, as there career goes out quicker, than Brain Harvey after announcing a E binge on national radio. Oh but they are so UK, yes Ugly and on a KilmanGIRO, cun**


Also we have Jonathan oh fuc* me my face is up the creek, has it been hit with a paddle, Yes they can sing. However would you want a poster of teeth of a landscape looking down to you. Good alarm clock quasamdo saying the bells , the bells 


Ashely and Pudsey won it, a fucking dancing dog act, a fucking dancing dog act, UK hang your heads in shame. You are the biggest fuc*wits going. The exact same tricks, If pudsey was ran over I wouldn't feel to bad, in fact I would probably reverse back over what I had done........ 

Well the good thing is that the Queen is to suffer this telly cancer, ha ha ah ah a, get it down ya cun*. You could imagine her in the royal box, Look Philip dancing dogs, Philip oh is Fergie and Ann dancing 


gr gr gr rg rg rgr rgr gr grg rgr      






HASH TAG          FUC* BGT 

HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD

Hello peeps, here is this weeks blog, enjoy


Undercover boss on Channel 4, this programme plumps a CEO of a company, into a company. The CEO watches the workers work, how they work with there colleague's and how they deal with  customers and then hand out big cash bonuses, there were even promotions within the company and like Micheal Moore at any American tragedy, camera's were there rolling, to record any tears or emition's. Had a undercover boss at my work, he also watched how I inter grated with customers and colleagues, then I was sacked.


Posh Spice, is back in the news!. It was reported that her children encourage her to have a drink. If that sour puss was my mother I would tell her to drink and then drive her car off a bridge.


Abu Hamza? or captain hook or Jamie Andrew the climber, will be extradited to the USA for being a hate preacher. He says that he is here to spread a message. Now is it just me that thinks Abu would of had a longer stint in this country if he was more subtle in his message. Change his nickname from hate preacher to minster of a conflict of interests. He is on benefits, how does he sign on, does he have to scribe his name into bedrock. Also when your at the benefits office they try to match you with the job that you want to do. Alright for Abu , Woman at the benefits office, NO results for hate preacher. Abu would be saying love this country!. "Don't even have to fill in the job report"


Madonna or MAJ, or is that RAJ. Has just released a new perfume called Truth or Dare, where did she come up with the concept. I'm thinking the 80s. OK Truth Maj?, Maj would be like don't  go and see any of my films there shite. OK Dare. Sleep with Sean Penn. Nah your OK. She doe's not show her hands when being photographed for the mass of veins. To hell with her hands, look at her arms. She has veins that huge. I thought they were AA road maps.


Did you hear of the Kangaroo that swam off the animal park. to swim for freedom. Then came back for his friend. What a wallaby. It's not the first time that the Wallaby has made a break for it. You think the gamekeeper that was Australian would of heard of Tie my Kangaroo down sport.


Emma Watson was in the paper for sporting a tattoo. Some people think she is hot. She looks about 12 years old. Wannabe padeo's I guess. I feel the Harry Potter crew, will go the way of the Dodo. Her new film is called Bling Ring. After reading reports and seeing the cast. It will be painful to sit through this. It should be called the aptly Ring Sting.




See you next week xxx

Peter's Blog Thursday April 12th

Another week another rant. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Love writing it, So for anyone that is not reading it, just delete it... Love you all peter x x

• I'm feeling absolutely amazing, I can't describe how I am feeling. I could kiss a cat, stroke a dog (not in that way ), catch a fish, hug people,. OR smile more, eat a Chinese and not feel guilty!. Sign up for a Charity.  Feeling epic, just like Brian from Moneysupermarket.com           aye FUC* OFF!  

• Man VS Food, food always wins. Premise of this show is fat American gets fatter. that's about it!. Strange thing about this show is that everyone encourages him to eat. God knows what his doctor must say, he usually there egging him on. That's right he is cooking another egg to throw on the pile of food. He lost that many battles, that next season people will be jeering instead of cheering. 

• Most pointless job in the world.  Draw master on the National Lottery, they basically stand with a clipboard and do nothing, any health and safety person at your work then. Watching tons of balls being slapped about in a massive clear orb. Anyone that cannot picture that. Just watch Queer as Folk box set. There are so many draws on the National Lottery, it's like watching Falkirk and Dundee and Hibs at home. Dale Winton is so fat. Do you think he played Supermarket Sweep and then just ate the contents, including the bouncy banana bonus!.  I know dale loves meat, surely it's not that fattening?. 

• Oily Murs, don't get me started!. No personality but cheeky, can half sing and he can present. (What he can read words from a proctoractor). Wow what a genius and he's young which = total c*nt . This is another one from the Simon Cowell factory. Sometimes the Devil can take many forms and alter images, to re invent himself.  The devil  has survived for thousands of years...   Pirates he produced a jaunty song, pirates bought then plundered, and murdered people. Created Black Lace, no people were not killed, however thousands of souls lost, has now become Simon Cowell and taken control of the charts, warped all young minds for his assault on the world, you have been warned!.  

• Titanic, 100 years on. Film released again. No-one seems to like this film?. However it was one of the biggest selling films of all time. So just admit you have watched it.  Without Titanic you would not have Leorando Dicaprio in Gangs of New York and the Departed. Di Capro is now as widley know as Iceberg dead ahead and Winslett is as famous as that guy you know from Big Borther Season 3, he had that thing with the blond hair woman, oh never mind!. 

• Dappy chiich chagi bang bang. Is not happy, he's trying to write a album, but spells it ablum. Could be there for a while. He is a gangster as one of his song's suggests. He's misunderstood. Well stop speaking in bloody slang. TIT!.  Gangster seen a bigger gangster on Bugsy Malone. Dappy could not perform a drive thru never mind a drive by. He would be like at McDonald's, can get IIIII Chickenn Royale ,,, dog!!!. 

• Watched Shrek, other night and have to say. It's not that good. There is not enough of the King and Eddie Murphy is as annoying as Louis Spence on Coke, at a party, TV. Fuc* it anything!!!. Shrek is suppose to be a Scottish accent. However not sure where Mike Myers was staying to pick up a accent as bad as that, maybe Dundee.

• Jordan AKA Katie Price is right, I'll sell you my marriage, child birth and death. Has lost her show on UK living. That's because people have a choice on Sky. People choose not to watch. I heard that Katie Price is a big lover of Polo. When she first asked to play it, she went into the shops bought a packet and consumed them, saying what have I won. Which some TV producer laughed so much and said a show on ITV 2. 

• Lastly the hooker Jenny Thomson that has bedded every footballer,  now sleeps with dwarf's. So let's see you have Sleepy (Peter Coruch), Randy (Wayne Ronney), Bashful (Any cun*), womaniser  (John Terry), Shit in Bed (Ashley Cole), Rent boy (David Becham) Wife beater (any of the back four of the England team after a night out!!!) 

Anyway I'm spent see you all next week xx 

MISC April 4th to 7th Sn

• Hi all and thanks for all the support and love, also for taking the time to read my Blog. Also a big thanks to people that have seen me on a stage recently and appreciated what I have to offer to stand up.

• Channel 5, no not the perfume. The terrestrial station. Has Cowboy Traders with Dominic Littlewood and Melinda Messenger (former page 3 girl, no she is not now on page 5). They go and investigate all the dodgers (Nick Clegg, no sadly not)  in the UK armed with there bag of onions. As they both need human tears for this show to work. The best bit is when they go and find free stuff, for example. If they need a venue or chairs, beds. Page 3 girl, will work her magic and get either for free, or discounted. So does that mean we can all just jump into a furniture store and plead that our big day is hooped from a rouge trader. The shop owner would say, wait a minute I don't remember you being on the third page of a national newspaper, or you have not a camera crew, so piss off. 

• Watched kids that think there a vampire. Kids that run around cutting themselves and drinking there blood. Total muppets, infact Count on Seasme Street is a bigger vampire than any of  these socially inept retards. Each to there own I guess. The best bit was when one of them said that we are vampires. However were not like Hollywood vampires, we sleep in our own beds, Well least these make shift vampires get there own beds instead of coffins..... bloody coffin dodgers 

• Watched the mental storage hunters. Series on Dave, what not Top Gear. No they do have other programmes. A ex boxer goes around and buys tat, from lock ups. Think Bargin Hunt with balls. There was a fight on it, when two rivals clashed. Imagine that on Bargin Hunt the Red Team punching f*ck out of the Blue Team over a silver spoon set. There was a guy from Iraq, did two tours and they were haggling over Yankees baseball memorabilia. However he supported Boston Redsox. Just think Celtic and Rangers and he said this. There are two things I will never touch in my life Nazi Pamperphillia and Yankee memorabilia.......... Good to see Uncle Sam is still producing moral citizens. 

• Ever noticed Ramsden Gold employee's all look like they should be playing on line bingo, on plenty of fish or should be a receptionist for a debt companies. 

• Funny how McDonald's, is the main sponsor of the Olympic Games. The fattest food that you can have. I mean even a bulimic could not hold down there produce. Why would McDonalds be promoting sports, bit backwards, like Jack the Ripper promoting prostitution. As in this country we are more senstive about our weight. Have you been to a McDonalds. People look down  at you going into there, almost as humiliating as walking  into a Cash Converters.. No I have not been in there, since I came off the Meth and stopped robbing houses. 

• George Galloway is re elected in Bradford.  Politics is seen as that pis* in England, that they have elected a total arse wipe, See how cheesy he was on that open top bus, really showing why he has the last name of Galloway, (name of a cheese). He looked like the cat that got the cream. Yes George UK wont forget of your big brother pussy stint. 

• Snowfall in England and it's total chaos. Snowfall in Scotland and we just put on another jacket, maybe wear some sensible footwear for that day. England has gridlock and power cuts and total panic. Why do they treat snow like the end of the world. When they see snow, they all envisage the 4 horsemen of the accoplylse and the end of the world. Do you think there are nutters standing on the street with signs saying the "End of the world is upon us, expected snow showers"! 

• The big fuel crisis was upon us, where you going, no were fine, there is fuel. Thought you were about to rush out and buy some fuel. We love panic buying. Car's being overfilled and people on fire. There has not been this much panic buying since the Romans foreseen a shortage in crucifixes. 

• Neil Lennon was targeted by the terrorists of Wallace and Gromit, two dunderheids. Now I know it's not a nice story!. However these two dunderhieds, went in plain clothed to Staples and bought thousands of staples. Now I'm no FBI agent or even MI5. However even the largest of offices go through 40 staples a week. However staff at Staples, Just said that's a lot of staples, lots of binding to do. However why did they not cover there tracks. Not like Taliban go into B and Q for 40, 000 gallons of kerosene. Also supposedly if you buy a pirate DVD, we fund terrirsiom, Taliban Eric "hey keep copying Legally Blonde another 400 of these and we will have another war missile". "I'm copying but do you not think that we should be copying HUGO", No you infidel, the copies are not so good" "No one will buy them" 

• Duke and Duchess have been made into wax at Maddame Tussards. So now they get even more on my wick than ever, boom boom. I cant stand these two. However newsreaders love them, every time they say there name they have a multiple orgasm's. Could you imagine them in bed, "oh was that good for you honey", "It was OK", "why you smiling so much then". "Oh just thinking of that Wills and Kate story that I covered today" 

• Lastly the Apprentice is back on our screens, no not a bumbling, tenneager missing  a day , spotty fumbling kid, that gets more bullied on a work yard than a goth in American school.The show on  BBC 1.  Everyone sucks up to sugar like there all effing bee's around the honey pot. Boardroom just over inflated ego's arguing with each other for 10 minutes. " I was not born with a silver spoon, I have a degree, Sugar    " It's whoever can suck enough of Sugar's Cock" that's who will get the job, as 11 candaites looking for one Job that job being a blow job. 

• See you next week xxx