Week That Was Episode 7

Well what a few weeks it has been. Had a job lost a job, completed the second season of the fantastic wire, fallen out with even more ballbags in the world of comedy and tasted a peculiar cheese for the first time. All part of life I guess.

The Euros have almost finished. Hear women up and down the country cheer with delight, as they get there TVs back

Long time no speak, Trying to find my comedy voice, it's harder than Bruce Willis running around in Die hard over broken glass with no shoe's. Supposedly it take's years to find it, hopefully not like the G-Spot, as after 15 years, I now term it the Holy Grail. 

In the month of June, the Queen's Jubilee Concert. Prince Philip was unwell, standing in the rain for 4 hours, meaning he will be handed another medal. He has seen less action than a plastic action man dating a plastic barbie. Also Tulisa Consti* boyfriend was given angry death threat's, about the sex tape, Amazing, that the sex tape is released same time as her single. I would call it porn, although, I have seen better blow jobs by sock puppets. *lyrics of We are young should be, forgive me for what I have done, he won't cum, I'm just young, Forgive me for what I have done, I can't make you cum, why won't you cum. Cheryl Cole has released a new song and showing true to form, she can't sing. The football has ended there were high and lows. A chip that Mc ain would be proud of. Spain were the rightly winners, they play football the right way. Apology for Scottish and Irish for Strachan and Keane. Sorry to the English for Lawerson, Hansen , Shearer, Linkear and Tyldsley and Adrian Chiles. My deepest sympathetic apology to Liverpool for Jamie Carrachger. Although big thanks to Loaded and Nuts cameraman, every time the ball went out of play there was a shot of a gorgeous girl, which shows it was worthy to watch Ireland. Scotland get through that's double the talent. Jimmy Carr is a cun!. Mr too goody shoes, hardest working stand up in the UK. So would you if you knew you were only paying 1% tax. He apologise though, must of thought what a RELIEF. He won't need a break from comedy as all that work has been non taxing. 

Lastly David Cameron is still and always be a supercun* 

Speak Soon 

Peter

Last day of May, Twitter, BT, QUEEN and Schwopping

This weeks blogg.

• First of all, how annoying is it when you follow someone and they don't follow you back. Peers is the worst. Born ballbags. 

• What a total balls up I have had with BT engineers. My phone is not working, I can't hear what the other person is saying, it frequently cuts out. Enter the first BT Engineer, he might as well as turned up with spurs and a horse, he basically came out and turned up the volume on the phone. What a numbnuts, why did I not think of that, of course it's the volume on the phone. So needed to call out BT Engineer number 2, this guy was older, but his chat was so bad I thought he was a divorced male taxi driver. He did some tests, where he listened out for things, at one point I thought he was going to put his ear to the ground and say that number one engineer is approaching. IE Cowboy, and he's the Indian then he Say's well sorry son, ran out of time be back tomorrow, can they not finish the fucki*g job!. I can't turn around in my job and say that's dinner time, fuc* the boats waiting for this load. He says's that "I will be back tomorrow and fix the phone don't need access to the house", fair enough. Problem not resolved. You know what he did  he falsely mentions in his report that he contacted me. What a knob!. No I never seen his cock as engineer one was not with him. Now there wanting me to stay in on Monday, no way you stupid fuck*. They don't advertise this on there BT captain speedy adverts it's just that desperate housewife ginger  cun* trying to get in about a girl that has as much interest in him as she has in the other little cun* that has much personality as a divorced male taxi driver, or alt a BT engineer. In the words of cher LLyod grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (song I want you back)

• Speaking of Cher Llyod, I was reading in a article that she is not getting along with Cheryl jimmy super fly cole (cause of the jump off the stage on BBC the Voice). They have fallen out as Cher Llyod says that she can't sing, which is a true statement. No one goes against the girl from Tyneside though, so she said and I quote, "Be careful who you knock, it's a long drop from the top".and being Cherly she done it through Twitter. Don't know John Terry and your cun* of a husband seem to be dropping front the top.Wait Super cunt and super cunt 2 they never seem to get any form of comeuppance , (still waiting). However when you say that. your fall from grace was hilarious, and your comeback has not been that spectacular, some pap song that will be in and out the charts quicker than Rik Waller going through a KFC bargin bucket.  

• God save the Queen, wait for it lovely jubilee and England and some turncoat Scots love her. I going to buy a commemorative plate and have a massive dump on it. I can't stand the Royals, there not for me. But up and down the country we will be performing false genocide. As no-one really likes the Queen, they just want to be like everyone else and have a identity  to our country. Hang your head in shame you Royal Twat* 
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• Lastly Joanna Lumley is now schwopping, or whatever it's called. Marks and Spencer are firmly behind it. Basically people take all there clothes and shwop them. Another scheme that Joanna Lumley needs to get behind, first there was the gherkins and then schwopping. What's next climate change, saving forest's making Jenefir Saunders funny again, You are turning into a female Bono but you love it, AB FABOFF 

Speak Soon

Peter Wood

Catch my random bloggs and podcast's and i'm also on Twitter, @peterpolishwood

xx

Well it's almost June,

• This year is going quicker than a spider scrambling across the floor when you have not squsihed him hard enough with the toilet tissue.. We have been all there, clambering around on the floor as your girlfriend, mother, daughter, basically anything that is from Venus, is acting like a elephant that has just spotted a mouse. I don't think I have met any female out there that are not scared of spiders, supposedly we pass fears from one generation to another. Women say that they could easily live without a man!, hmm I have a feeling that we need each other, as if we were not here, there would be just wall to wall of spiders ruling earth. Mind you if we put the shoe on the other foot for a minute, (as the other one is now being used to squish the spider, before the little fly bastar* runs under the crack in the floorboards, (which we were suppose to fix, two months ago). The spider has made his getaway and our blunder of not getting him. Is now backfired, as the spider is now a distant memory and fixing the effing floorbaords is now hers. Thanks spider, i'm going to get you good next time, ya little pric*. OR with her constant moaning every single day for the next two weeks, wish I could climb underneath there with him, lucky bastar*. Now I'm not being all anti women, as man needs women, if there were no women, there would just be men, up and down the country hogging a settee, like a golden Labrador, with his own special brand of flu. "Come here dear I think I have the flu you had, however by the time it gets to us, it has grown 4 different strains and mutated. She had a slight cold, but were off work, We walk about like we have the T-Virus from Resident Evil, (for all you gamers out there). "you OK honey", "think il'l live but it's touch and go. As man unwell, needs attention and cuddles and hugs and bosie's, lots of them.  So Men would  have no-one complain to when they were unwell. So the balance of the planet's equilibrium is held....

• I have just completed a month's voluntary work at Remploy. It was pure crap. Working for no money sucks more than a Dyson. However I would encourage anyone that has had a lengthy lay off from work to do it. This Monday was eventful I have accepted a job and will begin work next Monday. No more sitting on my arse for me, yes ready to take on the world, grafting, head down and get on with it, in my office based role, pmsl. Fuck**g right, if your going to work, you do the least possible work. I'm not as daft as I look, don't answer that. 

• There is not much happening in the news apart from Alex Salmond asking to vote for our independence. No!, your OK, you keep it. I don't think that it's a wise decision to leave something that we know for something that we don't. That's the equivalent of a 30 year old, man from Aberdeen, leaving a well paid job, to teach in Asia. (fucking* stupid). So when you get the chance to vote, tell that fat retarded beaver IE Alex Salmond to fuck* clean off. I heard that he is going to be having a tent at T in the Park. Could you imagine that going up to Ned's, excuse me can I interest you in Independence, nah mate I just bought a bag of coke....................

Speak Soon 

Peter

  

Also Please have a listen to Inside the Comedy Studio, with Robin Valo, Robert Starr and Scott Jeffery







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BGT , that's right Britain's got talent rant. 


I have watched this telly cancer all week, more shit that can be seen if 2 monkeys in the zoo covered in shit, holding a shit protest. We have had in no particular order a cun* that raps about his keys and phone, some dodgy German bloke, going on about how this is his song, sure is tit, no one else would sing that shi*.  then some woman that fancies Simon Cowell?. Yes that deserves a big question mark!.


On to the final and there is 10 rejects, more fuckin* rejects that could be found in a raggy doll bin, That Irish kid that broke down, as he got blown out from a girl, and Alesha soon to be the face of Dixon's, Is like it's her loss, I'm pretty sure that she is thinking thank fu**, what a tosser, yes he can write his own songs, but my god he must go through some amount of tissues, on about crying not wanking!



Then we have Amanda Holden by the fucking throat and duck her head in sulphuric acid, for 35 Min's at a time, and still we could not get back to her natural cheek bones, and lips, She is actually crying inside that face suit. Looking well just now, well sort of, if you want to masturbate to Freddy the krugger with added collagen 




As for the judges, I never ever thought that Little Britain and trans gender, fuck wit was as funny as salt on your bell end and guess what in 7 hours, nope as funny as a fanny fart when giving head. I wish he would swim the channel again, swim back to fuckin* BBC 1. 


The Welsh, choir is total shite. How much choir boys does it take to blow off a conductor, as much as that man can get his lips round.  however many is that band. Doe's anyone think that the manager looks like the guy from Shawshank Redemption, the warden. You remember the guy, blew himself away, why do that, when you have a whole choir. Yes I went there.


As for the MEND, soon to be called the METH, as there career goes out quicker, than Brain Harvey after announcing a E binge on national radio. Oh but they are so UK, yes Ugly and on a KilmanGIRO, cun**


Also we have Jonathan oh fuc* me my face is up the creek, has it been hit with a paddle, Yes they can sing. However would you want a poster of teeth of a landscape looking down to you. Good alarm clock quasamdo saying the bells , the bells 


Ashely and Pudsey won it, a fucking dancing dog act, a fucking dancing dog act, UK hang your heads in shame. You are the biggest fuc*wits going. The exact same tricks, If pudsey was ran over I wouldn't feel to bad, in fact I would probably reverse back over what I had done........ 

Well the good thing is that the Queen is to suffer this telly cancer, ha ha ah ah a, get it down ya cun*. You could imagine her in the royal box, Look Philip dancing dogs, Philip oh is Fergie and Ann dancing 


gr gr gr rg rg rgr rgr gr grg rgr      






HASH TAG          FUC* BGT 

HUNGOVER BLOG , be afraid very afraid lol

I'm very hungover today so take this blog as a pinch of salt. It might contain a lot more swearing and sea of negativity. So please read the discalmer before reading it, ya plums

First of all Time Team. This show is effing terrible. Tony Robinson fuc* off you total plank. No in fact come here so I can kick you in the baldricks. Let's go and dig up some shit. Then well take our dinosaurs and virgins on a expedition where we sit with a trowl as big as my pinkie and claw away at dirt for channel 4. In fact there is that much virgins kicking around time team, that pagans would have a field day sacrificing.Here pagans here is the knife, I have tied down the virgin, let's do this!

The Voice, how can something go from Epic to pure pish in the matter of weeks. The blind auditions was incredible HULK, yes that's right I went to see the Avengers. However they were awesome. But they have went from Mark Ruffalos performance as the Hulk to that useless cun* with the bow and arrow, hawk eye is that his name fuc* knows, bloody pointless as any Jhonny Depp film nowadays. Anyway the voice battles were just cats shouting at each other. I wanted to go in and throw a shoe at them. There are 3 good singers and the rest are like a Charity night open spot, cannon fodder. If the voice was set in Roman times. I would have my thumb down that much that people would think that I was hitching a lift on a  Chariot

Also why are all the comments positive, Jessie J, is like I'm just going to be honest, yeah when will that be kicking in. Sam buttery on his rolls in the morning,m as I eat bar's of butter, so bite me as if you don't I will bite myself cause I'm so effing buttery. Is pure and utter shite, yes as shite as Time Team. But no one commented and Bono ( the Irish kid from the script, yeah he will be). Once Bono corks it, Danny O doonmue or whatever his name is will be doing Live Aids and helping the environment. Can we no recycle, aye let's start with your band, your band mates and your albums. I have had more fun listening to WILL I AM. Yes one of my guys that I look up to was amazing, but is now cringing. Is everything a standing ovation. Fuck me people don't even do that at the end of a good film. In a restaurant. sorry the waiter came unwell here's your bill for the crystal that you drank, Waiter what the hell you doing, giving you a standing ovation. FU** OFF. Just produce records and get to fu**



RIGHT THAT@S ME RANTS OVER

STAY TUNED

PETER WOOD

Hello peeps, here is this weeks blog, enjoy


Undercover boss on Channel 4, this programme plumps a CEO of a company, into a company. The CEO watches the workers work, how they work with there colleague's and how they deal with  customers and then hand out big cash bonuses, there were even promotions within the company and like Micheal Moore at any American tragedy, camera's were there rolling, to record any tears or emition's. Had a undercover boss at my work, he also watched how I inter grated with customers and colleagues, then I was sacked.


Posh Spice, is back in the news!. It was reported that her children encourage her to have a drink. If that sour puss was my mother I would tell her to drink and then drive her car off a bridge.


Abu Hamza? or captain hook or Jamie Andrew the climber, will be extradited to the USA for being a hate preacher. He says that he is here to spread a message. Now is it just me that thinks Abu would of had a longer stint in this country if he was more subtle in his message. Change his nickname from hate preacher to minster of a conflict of interests. He is on benefits, how does he sign on, does he have to scribe his name into bedrock. Also when your at the benefits office they try to match you with the job that you want to do. Alright for Abu , Woman at the benefits office, NO results for hate preacher. Abu would be saying love this country!. "Don't even have to fill in the job report"


Madonna or MAJ, or is that RAJ. Has just released a new perfume called Truth or Dare, where did she come up with the concept. I'm thinking the 80s. OK Truth Maj?, Maj would be like don't  go and see any of my films there shite. OK Dare. Sleep with Sean Penn. Nah your OK. She doe's not show her hands when being photographed for the mass of veins. To hell with her hands, look at her arms. She has veins that huge. I thought they were AA road maps.


Did you hear of the Kangaroo that swam off the animal park. to swim for freedom. Then came back for his friend. What a wallaby. It's not the first time that the Wallaby has made a break for it. You think the gamekeeper that was Australian would of heard of Tie my Kangaroo down sport.


Emma Watson was in the paper for sporting a tattoo. Some people think she is hot. She looks about 12 years old. Wannabe padeo's I guess. I feel the Harry Potter crew, will go the way of the Dodo. Her new film is called Bling Ring. After reading reports and seeing the cast. It will be painful to sit through this. It should be called the aptly Ring Sting.




See you next week xxx

Peter's Blog Thursday April 12th

Another week another rant. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Love writing it, So for anyone that is not reading it, just delete it... Love you all peter x x

• I'm feeling absolutely amazing, I can't describe how I am feeling. I could kiss a cat, stroke a dog (not in that way ), catch a fish, hug people,. OR smile more, eat a Chinese and not feel guilty!. Sign up for a Charity.  Feeling epic, just like Brian from Moneysupermarket.com           aye FUC* OFF!  

• Man VS Food, food always wins. Premise of this show is fat American gets fatter. that's about it!. Strange thing about this show is that everyone encourages him to eat. God knows what his doctor must say, he usually there egging him on. That's right he is cooking another egg to throw on the pile of food. He lost that many battles, that next season people will be jeering instead of cheering. 

• Most pointless job in the world.  Draw master on the National Lottery, they basically stand with a clipboard and do nothing, any health and safety person at your work then. Watching tons of balls being slapped about in a massive clear orb. Anyone that cannot picture that. Just watch Queer as Folk box set. There are so many draws on the National Lottery, it's like watching Falkirk and Dundee and Hibs at home. Dale Winton is so fat. Do you think he played Supermarket Sweep and then just ate the contents, including the bouncy banana bonus!.  I know dale loves meat, surely it's not that fattening?. 

• Oily Murs, don't get me started!. No personality but cheeky, can half sing and he can present. (What he can read words from a proctoractor). Wow what a genius and he's young which = total c*nt . This is another one from the Simon Cowell factory. Sometimes the Devil can take many forms and alter images, to re invent himself.  The devil  has survived for thousands of years...   Pirates he produced a jaunty song, pirates bought then plundered, and murdered people. Created Black Lace, no people were not killed, however thousands of souls lost, has now become Simon Cowell and taken control of the charts, warped all young minds for his assault on the world, you have been warned!.  

• Titanic, 100 years on. Film released again. No-one seems to like this film?. However it was one of the biggest selling films of all time. So just admit you have watched it.  Without Titanic you would not have Leorando Dicaprio in Gangs of New York and the Departed. Di Capro is now as widley know as Iceberg dead ahead and Winslett is as famous as that guy you know from Big Borther Season 3, he had that thing with the blond hair woman, oh never mind!. 

• Dappy chiich chagi bang bang. Is not happy, he's trying to write a album, but spells it ablum. Could be there for a while. He is a gangster as one of his song's suggests. He's misunderstood. Well stop speaking in bloody slang. TIT!.  Gangster seen a bigger gangster on Bugsy Malone. Dappy could not perform a drive thru never mind a drive by. He would be like at McDonald's, can get IIIII Chickenn Royale ,,, dog!!!. 

• Watched Shrek, other night and have to say. It's not that good. There is not enough of the King and Eddie Murphy is as annoying as Louis Spence on Coke, at a party, TV. Fuc* it anything!!!. Shrek is suppose to be a Scottish accent. However not sure where Mike Myers was staying to pick up a accent as bad as that, maybe Dundee.

• Jordan AKA Katie Price is right, I'll sell you my marriage, child birth and death. Has lost her show on UK living. That's because people have a choice on Sky. People choose not to watch. I heard that Katie Price is a big lover of Polo. When she first asked to play it, she went into the shops bought a packet and consumed them, saying what have I won. Which some TV producer laughed so much and said a show on ITV 2. 

• Lastly the hooker Jenny Thomson that has bedded every footballer,  now sleeps with dwarf's. So let's see you have Sleepy (Peter Coruch), Randy (Wayne Ronney), Bashful (Any cun*), womaniser  (John Terry), Shit in Bed (Ashley Cole), Rent boy (David Becham) Wife beater (any of the back four of the England team after a night out!!!) 

Anyway I'm spent see you all next week xx 

MISC April 4th to 7th Sn

• Hi all and thanks for all the support and love, also for taking the time to read my Blog. Also a big thanks to people that have seen me on a stage recently and appreciated what I have to offer to stand up.

• Channel 5, no not the perfume. The terrestrial station. Has Cowboy Traders with Dominic Littlewood and Melinda Messenger (former page 3 girl, no she is not now on page 5). They go and investigate all the dodgers (Nick Clegg, no sadly not)  in the UK armed with there bag of onions. As they both need human tears for this show to work. The best bit is when they go and find free stuff, for example. If they need a venue or chairs, beds. Page 3 girl, will work her magic and get either for free, or discounted. So does that mean we can all just jump into a furniture store and plead that our big day is hooped from a rouge trader. The shop owner would say, wait a minute I don't remember you being on the third page of a national newspaper, or you have not a camera crew, so piss off. 

• Watched kids that think there a vampire. Kids that run around cutting themselves and drinking there blood. Total muppets, infact Count on Seasme Street is a bigger vampire than any of  these socially inept retards. Each to there own I guess. The best bit was when one of them said that we are vampires. However were not like Hollywood vampires, we sleep in our own beds, Well least these make shift vampires get there own beds instead of coffins..... bloody coffin dodgers 

• Watched the mental storage hunters. Series on Dave, what not Top Gear. No they do have other programmes. A ex boxer goes around and buys tat, from lock ups. Think Bargin Hunt with balls. There was a fight on it, when two rivals clashed. Imagine that on Bargin Hunt the Red Team punching f*ck out of the Blue Team over a silver spoon set. There was a guy from Iraq, did two tours and they were haggling over Yankees baseball memorabilia. However he supported Boston Redsox. Just think Celtic and Rangers and he said this. There are two things I will never touch in my life Nazi Pamperphillia and Yankee memorabilia.......... Good to see Uncle Sam is still producing moral citizens. 

• Ever noticed Ramsden Gold employee's all look like they should be playing on line bingo, on plenty of fish or should be a receptionist for a debt companies. 

• Funny how McDonald's, is the main sponsor of the Olympic Games. The fattest food that you can have. I mean even a bulimic could not hold down there produce. Why would McDonalds be promoting sports, bit backwards, like Jack the Ripper promoting prostitution. As in this country we are more senstive about our weight. Have you been to a McDonalds. People look down  at you going into there, almost as humiliating as walking  into a Cash Converters.. No I have not been in there, since I came off the Meth and stopped robbing houses. 

• George Galloway is re elected in Bradford.  Politics is seen as that pis* in England, that they have elected a total arse wipe, See how cheesy he was on that open top bus, really showing why he has the last name of Galloway, (name of a cheese). He looked like the cat that got the cream. Yes George UK wont forget of your big brother pussy stint. 

• Snowfall in England and it's total chaos. Snowfall in Scotland and we just put on another jacket, maybe wear some sensible footwear for that day. England has gridlock and power cuts and total panic. Why do they treat snow like the end of the world. When they see snow, they all envisage the 4 horsemen of the accoplylse and the end of the world. Do you think there are nutters standing on the street with signs saying the "End of the world is upon us, expected snow showers"! 

• The big fuel crisis was upon us, where you going, no were fine, there is fuel. Thought you were about to rush out and buy some fuel. We love panic buying. Car's being overfilled and people on fire. There has not been this much panic buying since the Romans foreseen a shortage in crucifixes. 

• Neil Lennon was targeted by the terrorists of Wallace and Gromit, two dunderheids. Now I know it's not a nice story!. However these two dunderhieds, went in plain clothed to Staples and bought thousands of staples. Now I'm no FBI agent or even MI5. However even the largest of offices go through 40 staples a week. However staff at Staples, Just said that's a lot of staples, lots of binding to do. However why did they not cover there tracks. Not like Taliban go into B and Q for 40, 000 gallons of kerosene. Also supposedly if you buy a pirate DVD, we fund terrirsiom, Taliban Eric "hey keep copying Legally Blonde another 400 of these and we will have another war missile". "I'm copying but do you not think that we should be copying HUGO", No you infidel, the copies are not so good" "No one will buy them" 

• Duke and Duchess have been made into wax at Maddame Tussards. So now they get even more on my wick than ever, boom boom. I cant stand these two. However newsreaders love them, every time they say there name they have a multiple orgasm's. Could you imagine them in bed, "oh was that good for you honey", "It was OK", "why you smiling so much then". "Oh just thinking of that Wills and Kate story that I covered today" 

• Lastly the Apprentice is back on our screens, no not a bumbling, tenneager missing  a day , spotty fumbling kid, that gets more bullied on a work yard than a goth in American school.The show on  BBC 1.  Everyone sucks up to sugar like there all effing bee's around the honey pot. Boardroom just over inflated ego's arguing with each other for 10 minutes. " I was not born with a silver spoon, I have a degree, Sugar    " It's whoever can suck enough of Sugar's Cock" that's who will get the job, as 11 candaites looking for one Job that job being a blow job. 

• See you next week xxx

BLOG March 24-29

Hello and welcome to the mad, week, month that is March. Soon onto Aprils fool. Watch out for left handed mars bars!.

• Jeremey Clarkson is in the news slagging metrosexuals, yes men that look after themselves. OR is it the mere thought of the word Metro (really old car). Clarkson states men should be men. Wait il'l get my stag horns, we can tussle on the lawn, knowing Jeremy. He probably shoots stags. Clarkson being men of men. Still gets thrills with playing with cars and blowing things up. Most men grow out of that when they stop coming home with grass stains on there knees. What a tit!. Oh and if you would like the right to complain to Clarkson, you will find him at his mate DAVE. As doe;s a bear shit in the woods, Does Andy Gray like Super Sundays, Doe's the Spar/Nisa/Co-op like a queue, Does Dave like Top Gear.  
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• On the pages of the press this morning is Grodon Ramsay and his LEEKed sex tape. Was it in the Kitchen, When his wife found out, she went mad, screaming divorce. That would be a hot potato if his wife found out. His goose would of been well and truly cooked. He swears more times than Eddie Murphy, when he was shagging MEL B. I'm on about the morning, What the FUc* was I doing, Fuc*, Fuc* , Fuc*, why MEL B. Mr Ramsay having sex would be more foul language than would be found in a Adult Channel 1am commercial. Everyone seems to releasing sex tapes, it's not taboo anymore. They only tape that I want to hear about celebs is  gaffa tape. 

• Justin Bieber is in hot water, should be a cauldron after he has been desiccated,. He thought it would be funny to tell everyone to call this number. However he forgot to check if people acutally had this number. And we all know Americana's favourite girls name is SUE. Bieber ye wee scamp,  what next a botched pregnancy. Did you know in 2010 that he was almost arrested for  hitting a policeman with a water bomb. If only he did and then we could of got a re- enactment of Rodney King, We can live and hope 

• You can now bet on Wrestlemania at the Ladbrokes....... I think betting shops are the con of man and let's not be Jermey clarkson IE sexist con of women. I think the clue is in the title. LAD BROKE.. As I know a few gamblers. No I'm not on about the guys that go bareback in Thailand. I mean people that have lost lots of money. I bet the guy in the gay spandex wins, if not the big guy with baby oil and steroids. 

• Frankie from the Saturdays is depressed.... For anyone that doe's not know the Saturdays. It's a girl group that is not as good or as popular as Girls Aloud. But god there triers. They release a single, more times that I lose a flipping sock. i.e every other week. There almost as desperate as Step's. Least they could dance. Now let me see if I can remember there names there was Scott. Lisa, , Claire and H, No not rimmer from Red Dwarf, mind you he was gay so you could call him rimmer). ..... Now let's take time to feel sorry for Frankie as she is depressed. How can we cheer her up, find her a man, buy her a cake. No it's OK, she dosent' need any of that. She has just appeared on the front page of Glamour and has another sexy shoot in Zoo. Oh well maybe people that are depressed don't need any anti depressants, we just need a cover shoot. Go Figure 

• Tax has went through the roof, now the government have decided to tax, pies, and sausage rolls. Yes that's right give the oil company's some tax relief and tax all bugger else. Who ate all the pies, Who ate all the pies, you fat bastard with the higher based salary, you ate all the pies.

• Lately the biggest event of the world is about to kick off, no not the execution of the Spice Girls. The Olympics. London has been gearing up for them, since Lord Cole got his hole, Let's face that how he got them, he shagged some delegate.Personally I'm not really looking forward to them. Eussain Bolt, will be the big draw, however if you drop your tax ridden sausage roll , by the time you have picked it up that will be over. Unless you can pick it up in around 9.58 seconds, event over. 
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• We do have the swimming which will be comical, as if the droughts go on. Looks like there will be a water ban. Although to be honest it would be funny to watch a dry pool swim. Without sounding to hack, Do you think Micheal Barrymore would of wished for a drought, March 2001! Then we have Also I bought a wispa gold the other day and it said keep Team GB pumped, yeah I would pump most of them. Apart from the long distance runners that have a chest like a table. I would not know to feel her top half. Or to just rest my dinner up there. 

See you again next week 

For all things newsworthy

Have a lovely Week 

I wouldn't but Pete Wood x 

This weeks blog xxxx

Good week to you all and thanks for stopping by.......   Please feel free to comment on my blog. Enjoy Lot's of love Peter.  

• Tulisa Constovials, constatine I'll have a constant please carol, the girl from the x-factor has a new man. She was rumoured to be sleeping with Mark Wright from TOWIE fame?. However Tulisa tweeted, Why am I suppose to be banging every man I meet. I have not shagged Mark Wright, (what a treasure). I mean all this mud slinging from the press, she not got enough N Dubz. 
• Cheryl Cole is making a come back. with her new album in the can, in the bin more like. It is rumoured that she will have a chat show for the BBC, for a reported, 75,000 salary, they should devote some of that money to subtitles, as trying to make out what Cheryl is saying is like trying to decipher what Sly Stalone says after a bottle of vodka.She was also out living it up in swanky London. She tweeted, Should I leave my bag with a sobna friend....... imagine calling your mum a bag. 
• Kerry Coketona was on This Morning, trying on a Big Fat Gypsy (if the shoe fit's) wedding dress. She told Philip and Holly. My main concern with this dress is going to the toilet. Wow Kerry, even when she has a wedding she is still concerned with how much people you can fit into the cubicle to snort coke. 
• Bought a car from Cheap as Chips, David Dickson, within a week the head gasket blew, Dicksons Raw Deal. 
• Russel Bland, throws I phone through a window in America. In his defence he made a quip about the I-phones inventor Steve Jopps and making a tribute to his memory. What a cheap shot at Apple's creator, struck me right to the core. Russel Brand is still trying to get over his divorce to Katy Perry, aww did it blow ,  hot and cold. 
• One Direction have conquered the States, There album is set to be number 1, if they have a number one, in the American charts, they would of succeeded the Beatles. Showing that how shit the charts are!. The Beatles were around 60 years. One direction 6 minutes............ 15,000 fans turned up to see them. However no child catcher, grrrrrr 
• Doctor Who, who you ask well  Matt Smith that's who,  is smitten with, Karren Gillian they have been spotted in hugs and kisses and even sharing a cheeky burger king. You got it your way at BK you got it. Good to see it's not just me that take's my dates to Burger King. Karen Gillina doe's like a wee drinky poos. infact Karen Gillan got so hammered that she ended up in a corridor , crying and naked. Wonder if she was singing Total Eclispe of the Heart, all the women I used to know used to sing that when they were drunk. 
• JLO, or Supercun* of a Cun*. Has a body double of a man, doe's the body double pull the same Diva fit's as that cun*, probably. She had her boyfreind, soon to be husband number 124. Pop doughnuts into her mouth, as she could not get any sugar on her popstar fingers. I mean god forbid, worlds MVP (most vaulable player) would get sugar on her. I mean talk about one hand feed the other, in her case, just a get a guy that is half your age and wollah. 
• Cher Llyod, Cheryl Cole clone, almost identical, apart from I can understand Cher Llyods accent. Is not a happy puppy, she just moved into her million pound house. As soon as she moved her parents have turned her room into a dinning room. Hmmmm, I think they must believe that she is going to be in her opinion the next Madonna. I don't think they realise how shit she really is, Mr and Mrs Llyod. Don't go renovation just yet, she could be back any minute. 
• Jessica Simpson has fairly put on the beef. Yes I know she is preggers. However that's not a bun in the oven that's the whole bakery and then some. She must be eating like a Susan Boyle (pig) 
• Danielle Llyod woke up in a pool of blood, why be swimming in a pool of blood. No her implants had burst, yes that's right her boobs were not real, not any of them. They looked real to me. No the fun bags were not. She says and I quote that I feel like a 12 year old boy, Now Danielle Paedophilia is not the way to go 
• Jordan AKA Katie the price is right, I'll deal for that story. Has been warned by a Surgeon that she cannot carry on having fillers for her lips, or they will go rock hard. She looked like a duck, she is a duck, Let's look at the facts, She puts her head down for periods of time, She can't get enough of bread ie. money. And she is effing quackers. 
• Jenifer Anstion  (Black Widow). Has been in and out of love, more times than the whole cast and crew of sex and the city. She meets a man, has a few dates, then it's all hooped. What is this woman doing wrong. I think she is clique. I mean people like there cuddles and stuff. But I think she is the sort of a woman that you take home and say. Your in bed and next thing you know. I would do a 3some to keep you happy, or Hey Jen you got kids, Nope I have never been blessed.......... Cya Jenifer , x Or as Ross Geller would say Oh Boy. 
• Britney Spears, yes mother of the year 2012. Says that her hair is so damaged that it just falls out in clumps. Maybe you should go and speak to your hairdresser. No wait that's you.... Infact just leave it to grow, you Nut job. Ever think in 5 years Britney will be the new Cascada (happy hardcore chick)  
• Jessie J is about to start her new career in the BBC flagship show. The Voice, she is reported to be earning a six figure figure after she refused a five figure, as for Jessie J, it's not about the money, money ,money. For anyone that doesn't know about the premise of the voice. Basically there are 4 judges and they pick the singers based on there voice. So after they have been selected, it's just a singing show. Yes think fame academy but without Nigel Lightow and some big red chairs, so bollocks then, to right 
• GILF NOT, Madonna, has cut her arms, and sadly not her throat. From rehersals. Madge as she likes to be called should be slowing down. Instead of jumping around like a mum that has got pissed at the bingo and got a St Andrews cross win. She even posted the photos of her cut lip, saying ow and oh, here's one you missed Madge, Whhhoo give's a fuc* 
• Posh Spice or VB, has been helping Eva Lonoria's man hunt. As Eva would like to date another sportsman. So has called on BFF, to help her snare a man. VB to Eva, just get a man that kicks a ball, ask's no questions and is dumb as dogshit, Eva but you already have David Beckham. 
• Lastly Britain has more fuckin* reatards from the glue factory. No I'm no on it this year. Yes it's that time of the year, when Simon needs a new chin, Aleshia needs more money, Wallams need more excuses to be not funny and Amanda needs new cheek bones. Britain has got talent, however we would rather show, a man with a very big beard, a jumping dog and someone that can consume 10 or more jaffa cakes up his arse 

See you Soon 


Love 


From 


Peter Wood 

As you can see there is not a blogger everyday. This is not down to the fact that I cannot be arsed. It's down to the fact that the news if written about every day , moves very slowly.  You would not think that would be true. However I can assure it is. I did 3 gigs last week, one of them hosting and loved every minute on stage, even though gig number 3 at the Blue Lamp. I was very nervous. If I can just conquer this I could be really good. I have lisitend to some great adivice from Rik Molland and Gus Lynburm and I am trying to put that into practice. I have a lot of gigs coming up. As for the news , Cheryl Cole is getting someone else to write her songs for her, and she will take all the plaudits, I love that, that's like me stealing a joke and someone else taking it and saying cheers bud.

Bonus Blog

Thanks for taking the time to read the blog. I know that Whitney Houston is in there again, I can only write what the news gives me. Anyway as a way of thank you to everyone. I have decided to do another blog today. As I'm having this weekend off. What you mean yeahhhh, Ill be back on Monday.   Gerald Butler is going into rehab in America, now he's one of the A-List actors. As every actor in Hollywood needs to have rehab to truly have made it, so much for Law Abiding Citizen!. Although no matter if he punched his wife, and pissed all over her couch on a night of drinking. All the women would still do him!. I watched 300 the other night, it's a bit homo erotic, so I thought I'm not being caught watching this and put on Top Gun instead. Cher is coming back out of retirement and going back on the road. That's right the woman that sang IF you could turn back time. More plastic on her than can found on barbie. Probably less of a plastic ming* on barbie than Cher has. If Cher  is making a come back. "God shoot me now".  Russel Bland (Brand) . Has been seen giving yoga to a second girl, in what resembles a homeless costume. I heard that Russel Brand kept a page 3 model up all night, not with sex, she had to guess her last name. OK I heard it was sex, I would feel sorry for her if it was his material,     see you Monday xx 

Friday 24th of January xx

Another day in the fast lane. After losing my car I have had to take the bus. My god it is truly awful, especially the night bus. The driver's are on a go fucki*g slow. I want to go up and say I know you don't have a life, but I do. Step on the gas pedal you kno*. Then you have the courteous, "thanks driver". Who started this should be shot!. Half our country doe's not celebrate our troops in Iraq and Afghanstan. However were quick enough to say "thanks driver", "you the man driver". I sometimes say it, sometimes don't. However when everyone else is getting off the bus and saying it and you don't. You can feel the passengers thinking what a argoant wee shite. I can feel there breath of disapproval on my neck.Why should I be treated as a leper cause I never thanked a bus driver. I tell you what il'l go into all the wards at the hospital and thank the nurses then ill stop past the child line centre and thank all the call workers, then I will stop past the police station and , come on now that won't be happening not in my lifetime  In the news Grave Robbers, no not (Calrista Flockhart and Cathrine Zeta Jones) but at the coffin of  Whitney Houston as she was buried with over 300,000 pounds worth of gold, oh well least she will have another a rush in heaven a gold rush!. Could you imagine if someone boosted the coffin.. That would be one of the funniest things you would ever see, a coffin being carried into cash for gold. Lastly something to cheer us all up, British Gas have slumped in 30% profits, ha ha ha ha ha ha ah cause of the mild winter there off the boil, fu** em !

News reporter dies?

Well the biggest news story today is the journalist Marie Colvin was killed. That's right killed in a WAR torn country what's the chances of that happening?. Now supposedly there is going to be a cease fire for one reporter. It takes one Guardian reporter to cause this. However the death toll is in it's thousands. Mind boggles. I had to laugh when I seen the advert for the Sun newspaper is about to be published on a Sunday. That's right a Sunday, Rupert Murdoch owns both news corporations. . So to be blunt they have just got rid of the News of the World and replaced it with the Sun. Celebrites that were doing coke on a saturday night, having affairs and mudering people, will have to avert from the Saturday shenagiings and do it earler in the week. Cause the News of the World, ahem the Sun will report you. So technically apart from pay offs to certain celebrities and non entities, all they have done is change the name of the paper. Yes that's right, mind boggles again. Not one of my hero's pers'ee however a comic in his own right died Frank Carson. One of his memorable jokes "Didn't see you at camouflage practise today"!. Long live the Frank! Lastly due to the success of the Artist (film) Jack Russel's are in big demand. Idiot's are buying dog's cause there cute in the film. I liked Jaws does not mean I want to go and purchase a Great White Shark, knob*     see you tomorrow xx

Wednesday 22nd of Feb , Mr Sheen and Justin Bieber ?

Wednesday 22nd of Feb.              Pretty lethargic today to be honest, just done my training. I know what your thinking, sculpting the guns, lots of cardio. Nope a clubland DVD that I bought that I have been training to for the past 3 months. Trying to sculpt the six pack, it's forming I can see it and feel it. So looking forward to that.. However will not be walking about with my top off, like half the nutters when there is a spot of sun. I used to do that 5 years ago, without the can of beer in the hand!. Breaking news Charlie Sheen, is going to back on our TV screens, yes that's right you can't keep a good coke head down. Is the TV show about the discovery of human tiger blood. No he plays a ex-baseball player that becomes a shrink. So cue lots of half naked girls, references to Scotch and the half slacks will be back. Hopefully it will be funny unlike two and a half men. Emma Watson (hermione Granger from the Harry potter) is happy at just relaxing and taking time off from shooting movies. Yeah like fu** Emma Watson is sitting at the phone like a girl from babestation, come on ring ya bastar**, baby needs a pair of new shoes or a film. Justin Bieber (brat) is about to publish his personal photo book, there is one with him punching his minder, and the other one is him shoving into a girl's belly button and shouting bingo. The baby sham, Justin Bieber thought his penis was a pube until he pished out of it. Also it's a wonder the child didn't come out black, as his minders do everything else for him. He's the sort of child that has everything and still say's i'm bored. Fuckin* wee pric*

Brit Awards , more like Shi* Awards

Hello guys and dolls. Ding Dong. News   Gigs (ryan) lifts gag off of Imogen, is that ball and gag. No it means that she can talk to the press. Hmm has she not been doing that anyway!. I had that Imogen Thomas back at a party at my flat, she had to much to drink and trashed the place, she is banned bloody home wrecker. In other news it was the Brit's last night, yes the British Musical Calender of the year, basically when over inflated ego's give themselves another pat on the back for another great marketing year. As hardly any of the artist's write there own tracks. Blur were nominated for life time achievement award, life time achievement, showing that Oasis front man Noel Gallagher must of been lying when he said that Damon Albarn had aids. The big story of the Brits is that Adelle flipped her middle finger, as James Corden rushed her on for taking to long, The true story is that she heard that the buffet cart was closing.  Read all about it alien spacecraft seen hovering over New Mexico. I have just watched the footage and I don't think that I'm about to meet a alien, however maybe they have been here for years , as Katie Holmes could be one. Let's look at the fact's she stays with a SCIENtiologist, she never gets to leave the house, like roger the alien from American Dad. She has weird alien eye's. Also she eats her young. Well I have never seen her child since it's birth. Oh and she is a bitch, like from the film alien not  sigourney weaver , the alien. 

Get a load of this x

Well after my day off. I'm ready to blog again. Bad news for me today, the car is gone. After constant payments for a blown exhaust and a burst radiator and wheel's needing to be balanced. I have decided to put it out it's misery and now old Betsy will be joining the likes of Besty elite, Samantha and Escort Mark II (names of my car's). It will be crushed and sold for scrap. In the scheme of things, probably what they will be doing with Joe Mcelderey career. In other news Take that singer Gary Barlow has just come a dad again, that mean's he will be cleaning up sick and changing nappies and feeding, and that's just for Robbie Williams. Singer Adelle has been back in the news with the cyber bullying. I mean the fat jokes are appalling , but one that caught my eye. was that Adelle stated that Brit school kept her from having kids. Some bloke wrote no the fact that you were fat and ginger did that. Now that's funny , cruel but funny. Also in the news is that were making Gypsies steal, yes that's right cause we take them out at night hand them a set of bolt cutters and tell them if they don't steal that bike there not a real Gypsy, but a imposter!. One Gypsy said that being  a Gypsy I have to hate the police. Well if that's the case I must be a Gypsy, I'll ask my mam if I we were constantly moved on from the council. Lastly get your eggs quick for egging your teachers house as there is supposedly a pancake rush. Not that kind of rush, mind you with teenagers snorting plant feeder wonder there not rushing out to get there next fix of a pancake rush. If you could get such a rush would the quip I'm off to powder my nose, would be I'm off to flower my nose. Till the morn peeps xx

Sunday, and yep you guessed it there is fuck all on TV and yes that's right I have Sky!. I mean why do I pay for it?. Whitney Houston funeral has died and Daily Star  lead with Whitney Houston had her drug dealer pretending to be a autograph hunter to sell her cocaine. Strange, that. So to fool the DEA in America, just pretend your a autograph hunter.  The biggest news story of the day is the video that was released with the two boxers having a fight, David Haye and Chisora. The funny thing was that David Haye was trying to bate Kiltichso. Then Chisora decided that he would approach Haye and square up to him, think home and away fight scence. The thing that puzzled me, not a scratch of any of the boxers the trainer is bleeding (ROcky 3). Then Chisora shouts out you bottled me Haye. No you bottled it against Klitischo. The police have put out a description for the boxer David Haye, as they cant find him anywhere. They are even thinking of staging a fake fight and asking people to come in barefooted so they can check for a broken toe. See ya tomorrow x